Time to Be a Big Girl

0ver the past week, I've had some serious revelations about my character. Well, perhaps I shouldn't say revelations because that hints that I immediately came upon these things within myself, like stumbling and banging your shin against an out-of-position coffee table in the middle of the night. No, it's not like that. It is more like I finally decided to stop ignoring the large, lumbering ghost tapping on my shoulder from behind.

It is this: My main source of motivation, my main goal in life at this moment is to get from one comfortable place to the next. I think about hard work. I romanticize hard work. I admire people who work hard. I pretend sometimes that I do this kind of hard work. But, not really. I work hard to get back to comfortable. I work hard for short periods of time with shallow goals ahead of me. I sometimes aspire to discipline, but when I find it's more difficult than I planned, I easily let my aspirations slide out of memory. If I chance to look behind me, I can see pile after pile of abandoned intentions, shirked responsibilities, and avoided obligations littering the path I've come down.

I have been a child. I have not held myself accountable. It's time to grow up. It's time to accept that "comfortable" is not a worthy achievement. Comfortable is easy. Comfortable has little value and doesn't like to stay for dinner. It is short-lived, short-sighted, and temporary. It is best friends with indulgence. I'm tired of pursuing comfortable. I want to pursue something that matters and is meaningful.

I think I'm finally ready to figure out what that is. And chase it without restraint, no matter how much hard work it takes to get there. And no matter how little comfort accompanies me on the way.

"Virtue —even attempted virtue— brings light; indulgence brings fog."  -C.S. Lewis
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