To Facebook or Not To Facebook?

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Is this even a question? For me, it is becoming one. Lately I’ve been thinking about how I connect with people. One day I looked up and wondered why I was even scrolling through the news feed. It had become a habit, something I did between teaching classes; when I was bored, it was something I did to delay the inevitable work in front of me. Lately though, it’s becoming clear that Facebook is not working for me. I’m not making or maintaining deep relationships there. I’m not meeting new interesting people there. I’m not hearing what people really have to say. And are we really saying anything important? I’ve been reading some interesting articles and posts about Facebook, about what it’s becoming and what we are becoming as we use it.

(This one is lengthy, folks. This post is not limited to 420 characters.)

Gwen Bell, one of the most respected social media guru’s on my radar recently wrote a post entitled Defanging Facebook. She and her friend Patrick talk about moderating or abstaining from the site altogether. For me, I don’t think I’ll ever completely give up Facebook, because it is a way to keep in touch with my mom and my sister, both of whom refuse to start using Twitter. Facebook mainly serves as a jumping off point for Skype conversations or longer in-depth email exchanges. And for that reason, I’ll keep it around, at least for now.

Another point of view to consider is Don Miller’s look at Digital Clutter. (Recently, Don has been rocking my world daily with his “Creator” posts, which are basically simple directives about who creators are and what they do.) But he got rid of his Facebook after asking himself some questions:

the question I ask myself with digital communication is different: Did I or anybody else benefit from this the past year? That’s a harder question to answer. Did anybody benefit from seeing my pictures from that retreat? Maybe. Did I benefit from knowing it was so and so’s birthday, or that so and so was in a relationship? Maybe, but probably not, to be honest. I’d rather find out that so and so was in a relationship when they came through town, stayed in the guest room and we caught up while listening to whatever music we discovered. So I decided Facebook should go.

Interesting questions, hey?

This article, written by Zadie Smith for the New York Times looks at The Social Network, the movie about Facebook, but the last half is really a reflection on how we are presenting ourselves, how we are being minimized by the site:

When a human being becomes a set of data on a website like Facebook, he or she is reduced. Everything shrinks. Individual character. Friendships. Language. Sensibility. In a way it’s a transcendent experience: we lose our bodies, our messy feelings, our desires, our fears. It reminds me that those of us who turn in disgust from what we consider an overinflated liberal-bourgeois sense of self should be careful what we wish for: our denuded networked selves don’t look more free, they just look more owned.

I agree that sometimes we leave out the “messy” parts. Who wants to project that they’re a miserable piece of garbage at the moment, feeling everyone is happier than they are? It seems that the Facebook “status” is causing serious anxiety for students, or anyone for that matter. Ask yourself how many times you’ve paused before hitting the Share button. How many times did you revise your status because it sounded too depressing, or even too happy? I’m not going to talk about how many times I’ve reworded something or gone back and praised God for the little x lurking in the corner. 

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This college professor dares his students to take a media fast from all technological and traditional media for three months and asks them to journal about their experiences. Could you do it? How much would we really miss? Are important, authentic dialogues taking place that we would miss? Or would we connect more with the people around us, connect more with the people we live with, heck, would we connect more with ourselves as we sit and listen to our brains, instead of constantly hacking out a new status update?

We keep saying that Facebook is a way to “keep in touch” with people. Maybe so, because I keep in touch with my family across the world, but is it really making us more social? Slate has an interesting article that says it’s doing the opposite:

By showcasing the most witty, joyful, bullet-pointed versions of people's lives, and inviting constant comparisons in which we tend to see ourselves as the losers, Facebook appears to exploit an Achilles' heel of human nature. And women—an especially unhappy bunch of late—may be especially vulnerable to keeping up with what they imagine is the happiness of the Joneses.

and then there’s this:

Facebook is "like being in a play. You make a character," one teenager tells MIT professor Sherry Turkle in her new book on technology, Alone Together. Turkle writes about the exhaustion felt by teenagers as they constantly tweak their Facebook profiles for maximum cool. She calls this "presentation anxiety," and suggests that the site's element of constant performance makes people feel alienated from themselves. (The book's broader theory is that technology, despite its promises of social connectivity, actually makes us lonelier by preventing true intimacy.)

When I read that last line, “preventing true intimacy,” I thought about the relationships that are only played out on Facebook and if they really contain any true intimacy. Are your relationships through social media authentic? Or are you part of the play?

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There’s this video about how to use Twitter and they mention that 150 connections is the maximum number of meaningful relationships you can have and still be getting something out of them. So when I saw that I had over 300 friends on Facebook, I went straight for the “defriend” button. My new criteria for friends are that they have to have written something on my wall, left a comment, or sent me a message within the last year. If you haven’t communicated with me in any way over the past year, it’s not likely you’re ever going to. And you can always look me up and write a message without being my friend.  ;)

I can’t completely knock Facebook, because at this point, I do use it and I’m not willing to give it up. Although, if I did, I’m sure I could still find ways to get in touch with family and friends to make Skype dates. But for now, I’m wary and cautious of what I’m projecting, how seriously I take what other people are projecting, and who I’m allowing Facebook to say I am. 

What about you? Are you your Facebook status?

Imagine All the People: Saralyn

[This post is one in a series that gives you a picture of the people I love, the people who put up with me, and the people who refine my character by choosing to be in my life even after I take the last piece of chocolate. You can read the others here and here. (Yeah, it's a long-drawn-out-never-ending-whenever-I-feel-like-it-or-bother-to-remember-it-series.)]

I like to say that Saralyn got lucky because she was assigned the desk next to mine. But really, I'm the lucky one. Saralyn is my opposite. Perhaps that's why I like her and also why she interests me. She's interesting to listen to because she's never going to have the same perspective on something as I am. She's also the calmest, most together, laid back person in my life. Her refusal to allow unpleasant things or situations to ruffle her or undo the rest of her day is pure inspiration. I love having my ever-frequent freak outs in the next desk because she allows me to freak out, and then, she gets busy suggesting extremely reasonable solutions that I could have thought of if, well, I wasn't me.

I like her because she is straight-forward. When she says, "I don't mind. Either is fine with me," or "Whatever you think. I'm up for anything," she actually means it. Our friendship works so well because I'm all decision-making queen and hardly ever "don't care" which place we eat, what place we go, or how we get there. And she so rarely has her own agenda that when she does express a certain wish, I'm glad to oblige her. (Not that she doesn't have her own agenda in general. But I mean inconsequential agenda. Like which coffee shop we're going to or how many other coworkers I share the fresh-baked, still-warm, chocolate banana bread with.) I guess I like her because she helps me to relax by example.

Saralyn has also taught me more about teaching in the last 5 months than I learned from experience in the last year and a half. She is generous; she emails test templates, shares lesson plans, and takes the time to look at others' work. She is helpful; she listens, she thinks, and she takes the time to give solid advice. She is cheerful; she laughs often, she sees the bright side, she takes the time to encourage others to stick to their goals. I can tell she's an amazing teacher without ever having the privilege of sitting in on one of her classes. Also, she can do theoretical math on top of simple math and addition. So it's like having a human calculator with you at all times. This is a benefit when you function under Danielle Math.

I am already mourning the month of August, when I lose yet another Tim Horton's-loving friend to distance and that land of space and ice, although she tells me they do have summer in Canada (and a Prime Minister, not a President. Get it right or pay the price). She will be missed. I am afraid of who will sit in that desk next to mine in a few months. They have a daunting role to fill. Maybe I should start taking applications?

And of course, Saralyn likes my cats, and thinks they're cute, and talks to them in the little voice sometimes. That always helps.

[ a big chubby Thank You ]

So, remember how this used to be ChubbO Chubbington? Before I moved on to Wonju Wife? Well, I haven't exactly stopped being a ChubbO, as we are all well aware. And because ChubbO's make amazing friends despite their donut-dependencies, I got one of the best presents EVER in the mail the other day. It was from my friend Bennett, who is a crazy, smart, and all-around strawberry to hang out with. (Yeah, remember how we're calling people strawberries instead of peaches here at Wonju Wife? Just a reminder: I don't like peaches. I loooooove me some strawberries.) I met him through my oh-my-god-have-we-been-friends-for-half-our-lives-already friend Melanie. Because they are crazy people who run marathons. Unlike me. I am one of those people who stands on the side of the road with a sweet tea in one hand and a funnel cake in the other while yelling for the crazy marathon runners. Right, sorry. To the point!

So appropriate, no?

Bennett found this book at a flea market, and of course, thought of me! I'm honored, actually. And the note inside was just as thoughtful: "Thought of you when I saw this book. Not that I think you are a ChubbO, but because of your blog. And because you are not good at sharing. maybe this book could teach you something." OH MY BACK FAT. He is so right. We all know I'm not good at sharing. Especially when it comes to food. This beautiful book tells the story of one hippo named Chubbo who doesn't like to share his pool with any other animals. I was amazed by the watercolors. Usually, I'm not a fan of watercolor, but perhaps Chubbo has changed my mind!

Chubbo getting comfy in his lovely watering hole.

Chubbo actively not sharing.

The illustrations are gorgeous and the story is touching. Besty Lewin, author and illustrator, writes in her author's note, "This is a fictional story inspired by my experience in Botswana's Okavango Delta with a real hippo who refused to share his part of the river with anyone else."

Thanks, Bennett! I love it. It's perfect. And I'm not sharing it. So there.

[Four Cakes and a Stomachache: Birthday Recap]

So, the above stash is what ended up being the sum of all my beautiful birthday gifts last week. My birthday was Wednesday, the 27th, and I am now officially 27 years old. (Or, 28 if you count it the Korean way, which still doesn't make sense to me because 9 months does NOT equal a year. No matter what kind of math you do.)

My students gave me a number of unexpected gifts and sweet cards. But the best card I got was from my new friend, GeumOk 금옥, who works at the front desk at school. She is kind, thoughtful, gentle, and encouraging. And her card was so perfect. I wasn't sure if you could read her writing, so I typed the text below:

On my birthday, all day, I walked around in a daze of feeling loved. It was one of the most dreamy birthdays I've ever had, but I'm going to blame that on the four cakes I had. (No, Mom, it doesn't top any of your surprise parties or amazingly orchestrated birthdays.)

Yep, four cakes. And that's not bad Danielle Math, either. Right, so I'll tell you how to get four cakes on your birthday just in case you wanna try to pull the massive sugar high and then sleepless stomach ache of a night I had.

First, you should promise your incredibly fluent, bright, and intelligent high school students who have signed up for a daily English class DURING THEIR HOLIDAY before they go to university- you should promise them that you will buy them an ice cream cake. Then you should proceed to meet them at Baskin Robbins and buy a ridiculously expensive ice cream cake, which shouldn't even be called a cake, because there's no cake. You heard me, people. Ice cream cake in Korea is a SHAM! It's just a cake-shaped lump of ice cream frosted and decorated to make you want cake. So, you should eat only a few bites of this cake because it is before lunch time, y'all.

After you eat a bit of Ice Cream Just Kidding There's No Cake Number 1, you should head to your favorite restaurant for Shindukk Ddeokbokki. You shouldn't order the fried mandu, because you will get 6 of them on the house because it's your birthday. While you are there, you will be called by one of your coworkers who will tell you, "Hey, there's a meeting in 10 minutes. You know that, right?" And you will say, "What the crap?" And it will be totally appropriate because your birthday was on a Wednesday! Imagine that. So, you eat your free mandu in a hurry and rush to school for some "meeting." But it's not a meeting. No! It's a surprise party with, you guessed it, Ice Cream Masquerading as Cake Number 2! You should eat some of this cake ice cream, which was accompanied by another gift of a caramel macchiato from Sandra and her baby Sophia (squee-worthy pictures coming soon!) because it's after lunch now.

Then, after work is over, you should head to a new Italian restaurant to meet your husband and dear friends. Your husband should call the restaurant ahead of time and when they ask if they should make a cake for the occassion, he should tell them that his wife generally doesn't like Korean cake because it's not cake, it's like bread. Also, that she really likes chocolate. He should also buy another Ice Cream Minus Real Cake Number 3 to take to the dinner because he thinks there should be cake and is unaware of  the amount of Ice Cream Not Cake formerly consumed by his wife and also because he thinks he told the restaurant no cake.

At the end of the dinner, the restaurant should present you with REAL CAKE (Number 4 if you're still counting), that they especially made for you with EXTRA SERIOUS AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE in the SHAPE OF A HEART! And although you are already full of half of your own entree and half of another person's entree, you should try this cake. It is awesome and you should eat it because they made it just for you! But when they bring the chocolate heart cake that you share with everybody because you're stuffed, they will follow that with already cut slices of the Ice Cream Minus Real Cake Number 3. Because apparently, we eat a lot of cake. Or Ice Cream with a Cake Complex. Whatever. And because the Not Really Cake has already been cut and served so nicely with cute little dessert forks, once again you shove some down because, well, I mean, it's ice cream.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get 4 cakes on your birthday, 3 for free.

I whined all the way home in the taxi and had the hardest time falling asleep. I had a terrible stomachache. But my heart was more full than my stomach and aching a bit, too. Because I had no expectations for my birthday and it ended up being so sweet. I felt special, cared for, and of worth. What more could a girl ask for on her birthday?

Thanks to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday on Facebook, as well. I know amazing people all over the world. I am grateful for everyone who constantly shows me love and support, even though I rarely deserve it.

[P.S. The Internet has been down at our place. It's infuriating. I never realized how many things I looked up on the Internet in a day. Or a weekend. Goodness. I sometimes choose to take a break from blogging, or get busy and don't have enough time for everything I'd like to do, but involuntary breaks are the worst! I've msised you guys. Also, if you're reading this in your Google Reader or other feed, pop on over here to check out the new February design! Inspired by one of my lovely birthday presents! And make sure you scroll to the bottom of the page to see Kenny's new thief illustration!]

 

Hanji Weekend Recap

*Warning:This post is picture heavy. 

A few weekends ago, my dear friend Angie came down to Wonju to visit with us and to see the kitters. We worked together last year and you might also recognize her as the amazing woman who did my hair for the wedding! Anyway, we love us some Angie.

So, first we hit up a coffee shop and then we rode the bus up towards Chiaksan. We meant to have a look around the national park and to hike in for about an hour or so and then back out, but we didn't have time and the weather was kind of crap. So, we settled for a craft session at the Hanji Museum (it's really more like a store than a museum though). Hanji is Korean handmade paper and Wonju hosts the Hanji Festival, although there are other hanji spots around Korea. We purchased small DIY hanji kits and then proceeded to an upstairs room with big tables and a hanji expert.

 Clearly, we went straight to work. Well, Kenny did anyway.

Angie and Kenny finished well before I did. Mostly because every other step I would freak out because it wasn't perfect. And the hanji lady would come over and fix it for me. I liked painting the glue on the paper and then painting the paper onto the box with even more glue. We walked around downstairs in the "museum" part of the building while we waited for our hanji products to dry.

This is part of a series they have set up in the museum. It depicts the hanji-making process. Each step in the process is made of hanji. Pretty cool, huh? They had all sorts of furniture, dishes, art, and even a hanbok made entirely out of paper. I liked this little paper guy.

Angie's masterpiece.

Kenny did the big green thing with the bird. And when I saw his bird, I wanted one. So I begged the hanji expert lady for one. And what do you know, she went and found one for me! So I have a little blue bird box. I had a great weekend with Angie, and I'm pretty sure she had a great weekend with the kitters!

This one's for you, Ang!

What a Weekend!

Last Saturday, we headed to Seoul for an excursion with our friends Sandra and Philip. They are expecting a baby in November! (Squeeeeeeeee! I pour an enormous amount of my baby cravings all over Sandra, but she takes it well!) We picked them up from their doctor's appointment early on Saturday morning, and after one tiny, inconsequential, life-threatening left turn, I drove us all to Seoul successfully. We had a great time stuffing our faces with Kraze Burger and shopping around Coex. Although we are running out of money, AND HOW, I still managed to purchase three new albums of Korean music and two Korean movies. I am serious about this language immersion thing and trying my best to study hard, or at least study some, everyday. Also, you may congratulate me. 
I spent about half an hour in a bookstore and DIDN'T BUY A SINGLE BOOK. It's like a world record for me, seriously. I can't remember ever walking out of a bookstore empty handed.

Anyway, two things that made me happy: One, my husband's smiling face and getting to spend some quality time with him after a week apart. Two, HOTDOGS from Costco!! Thanks Sandra and Philip for indulging my craving for both pizza AND hotdogs, because the ChubbO is still thriving!

We headed back on the deluxe bus with enough room for our feet, seats that seriously reclined, and an old Korean man behind me giving a serious lecture on Taoism to his poor neighbor. After he stopped talking, I slept almost the entire way home. Never riding standard buses again! Now we're spoiled.

On Sunday, my friend Jennifer came down to Wonju on a day trip. We had lots of fun and visited the Wonju Herb Farm. That's where most of the pictures are from. It was a beautiful garden with pond and after pond of waterlilies, beds of flowers, rows of birch trees, and a greenhouse full of herbs they encouraged you to touch and smell. Here are a few highlights... okay, a LOT of highlights!

(This is Lamb's Ear, or Lam's Ear if you're Korean.

It was indeed soft and like a lamb's ear!)

(Creative use of roof tiles.

Made me want to start my own roof tile garden.)

(Me and Jennifer looking lovely,

with cleavage conveniently cropped out!)

(We bought two basil plants and got to decorate the pots. But the battery on our camera went dead.

The pot on the left was done by Kenny and the one on the right was done by Jennifer. Miso was very curious about our basil. It smells so good and always makes me want pizza with basil on top!)

It was a beautiful weekend for us, filled with lovely friends and wonderful outings. (Do I sound 60 years old? Yes.) Still loving it here in Wonju. Except when it rains. And I don't have an umbrella. And the skies are gray and making me want to sleep through all my classes instead of teach them. But other than that, still loving it.

My New Crush: They're Very Sparkly

Last night was probably one of my best nights in Seoul. For the past nine months, I've been lugging this sense of isolation and loneliness and un-bliss around inside The Belly. And last night, I feel like the ol' uterus of my soul gave it up and I birthed friends. A community, really. A community of like-minded and beautiful people who drink good beer and have deep, authentic conversation and at the same time have ridiculous non-conversations and laugh really hard at each other because we are happy and not alone. Well, at least, I was happy and not alone. 

I know I'm being Cheesy McCheesington, but it can't be helped. For the first time since I have been in this country I have found a table I can sit at and be entirely comfortable and open and vulnerable and safe all at the same time. I was my fullest self (okay, maybe a little more than myself after 5 hours of talking and listening and imbibing delicious beverages) and I felt as if I was spreading out, leaking right out to the borders of who I am, filling in all the cracks and spaces of who I am supposed to be. Because real people make you feel things like that. And I met so many real people. Real, kind, generous, caring, thinking, loving people. And it was the first time I'd met any of them and I felt home. 

And yes, I could qualify all that and cover my insecurities by saying something like Oh, maybe I'm so lame and they didn't really like me, but whatev. Forget that. I like them and I know them! This clip is exactly how I feel. I feel giddy and happy and warm. Just replace "Santa" with "Sparklers!" 

And of course, I'm totally also freaking out about Christmas. So this is uber-appropriate. It's coming, people! Christmas is coming! And I might just have some friends to celebrate with!

We Interrupt The Scheduled Series....

Eh, who needs a series all in a row anyway, right? How about I just leave you thirsting for more and make you read all the stuff in between that you might otherwise skip over if you weren't waiting for the latest installment of Life of Anonymous Celebrity!

I went to dinner at a friend's house tonight for the first time since living in Korea. Keun Ha's family doesn't count. Keun Ha's friends don't count. This is my friend. She is wonderful and generous and kind and Kiwi (or from New Zealand!). And man, can she cook! I've been terribly ill with the worst 감기 (Korean for cold) I've ever had for close to a week and tonight was kind of like my first foray out into the social world. And it was lovely. I guess I realize the more I hang out with My Kiwi, the more I realize how isolated I've become. My world, despite opening up in huge ways to another culture and another way of life, has also shrunk when it comes to personal relationships and friendships. And this is mostly due to my weird and inexplicable desire to be left alone by any and all Westerners I come into contact with. I want to complain of loneliness, but in fact, I'm enabling this isolation by being closed off and reserved. ( I know, those of you back home may close your mouths and manually push your eyebrows back down your foreheads. Danielle? Closed off and reserved? Surely not!) But with My Kiwi, it's like one of those friendships I think only girls experience. One where you fall right into place. From our first coffee and croissant, there was fellowship, a kinship almost. Although we come from two different places, our experiences here have been freakishly similar. Our feelings, our reservations, our fears, our discoveries= same same (as my kids at school would say).

Anyway, all this babbling to say that I felt true joy tonight, just speaking with her on the phone and making plans. There are some friends who somehow coerce you into being more of yourself just by being there. And My Kiwi did that for me. I remembered what it was like to be excited about conversation, dialogue, the exchange of ideas and the expression of emotion between women. I was reminded how it felt to be a silly girl and talk about silly girl things. I reveled in the friendship and the good food that brought us together over a small table in a small apartment with small glasses of wine.

I know I don't usually post like this. My posts are usually edited and pasted into Blogger and then edited again. But tonight, I'm just writing. Sorry if you were expecting the normal rage. Good wine and a good Kiwi are definitely on the list of Rage Reducers. (Oh, that reminds me! Coming soon: The List of All Lists- Rage Reducers Vs. Rage Inducers. But you'll have to wait for it. I have so many posts that I need to make and yet I seem to be spending all of my time making notes for posts instead of actually writing them!) And there, I just broke one of my bloggy rules: Never talk about posting in a post.

Eh, what can you do? I'm giddy.