What the Crap Wednesday in Wonju

I have never been happier; I have never been more disappointed.
In myself.

Everything is good. I'm sure you're all so tired of my peachy outlook and all the gushing. You are longing for the Rage in the A.M. days, no? When every post was boiling over with the anger of adjusting to this country and adjusting to myself in this country. But no, now it's all sunflowers, gardens, and kitty sharts. And it really is good. I feel like I'm learning what it means to be a teacher. I am learning Korean with wonderful friends and teachers. I am learning about what it means to be a wife. And it's all good.

Except for the me part. I haven't achieved anything I've set out to achieve. I am still sleeping way too much, which sounds like a small problem but is ballooning into a big one. I am spending too much time wishing I was eating better instead of eating better. ( I am officially invoking ChubbO Chubbington status once more. Dang.) I am not keeping up with my email. I am not keeping my house in order. I am not making time for the small things- coffee on the veranda in the morning (impossible if you're sleeping through the morning), reading books in bed with the HubbO, following through on the tiny things I say to my students.

It's strange. My life could be so incredibly good. In fact, it is good, in spite of my totally crappy self. I can only imagine what it would be like if I finally got my shit together.... It's a weird feeling. To love your life, but to despise yourself. What the crap?