I Refuse to be Warm and Fuzzy

Contrary to recent opinions expressed by a friend, I do not "love" everyone, nor do I think everything is "amazing." In response to this misapprehension, I have prepared for your cataloguing delight, a series of lists.

List One: Things/People I Hate:

1. Seagulls, a.k.a. Crap Bags. (Not to be confused with Phoebe Bouffet's fiance Mike, also known as Crap Bag for a moment.)
2. Paris Hilton
3. Oprah Moments. Have your own moment. You don't need Oprah's.
4. Those who consistently don't wash up or clean up after themselves, especially when they've used my dishes/stuff to make the mess.
5. The phrase "That was before your time."

List Two: Things/People I Double Hate:

1. Income Tax. I fully support the FairTax. Research and jump on board, my friend.
2. When I'm sewing something and the string gets in an irreversible, impossible to untangle knot FOR NO REASON, even if it's on the backside and doesn't matter. This usually elicits strong language, not for PG audiences.
3. Shaving my legs. Hence, the lovely leg hair I have been cultivating for over a month now.
4. Paris Hilton on the Simple Life.
5. People who watch the Simple Life.

List Three: Things/People I Loathe Entirely:

1. When I specifically ask for No Lettuce on my taco/burger/whatever, and receive my meal complete with lettuce. Enraging.
2. Cruelty to animals. Except for the Seagulls. You can kill them, but do it fast and as painlessly as possible.
3. The Anatomy of Criticism by Northrop Frye.
4. People who bring their children to movies and do not beat them until they are quiet, but instead, allow them to ask questions like, "Mommy, what's Alaska?" during the entire film.
5. Paris Hilton.

See? I have antipathy towards many things. I do not "love" everyone. However, since this has been brought to my attention, I will henceforth be much more sparing and careful with my adjectives. I will try to understand that not everyone is able to interpret my many degrees of enthusiasm.
Not Yours,

1 comment:

  1. LOVE the friends reference. Seriously, I must be rubbing off on you. There is a Friends reference for everything in life I think...


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