The Thoughts In My Head

It makes me think that the thoughts in my head that make me feel the most lonely because I don't think anyone else thinks them are also the thoughts that have the most potential to make me feel connected. —ze frank, A Show, episode 9

I write occasional letters to my son at Hey Jude, a blog that I hope will capture most of the precious moments I get to share with him. But those moments are not the full picture of motherhood. I don't walk around inside my days rejoicing every minute. Actually, a lot of my time is spent wishing for 7 pm to arrive. 7 pm is the magical hour that I am able to lay Jude in his bed after his bath and watch him put himself to sleep. Mostly this involves finding his fingers, inserting them as far as they will go into his mouth, and sucking like he's getting paid for it. It's pretty much the highlight of my day, the time I find him most charming, feel the most at peace with my role as a mother.

And how pathetic is that? I love my son the most when he is asleep and I get to do other stuff than hold him. I do enjoy waking up early with him and pulling him into bed for morning cuddles and smiles after he eats. That's probably my favorite time of the day. But between the morning bliss and 7pm? I wish for naps. I wish for content time spent in the swing while I write. I wish for long, slow lunches where I can breathe between bites instead of holding my high maintenance child in one arm and shoveling food in with the other. I wonder how I am going to do this another day. I wish it was easier.

And while I'm wishing away, time is passing and I'm missing it. I'm missing that this stage is so momentary and short-lived. So the guilt begins! I should be doing more with him, but I feel like I exhaust him if I take him out too many places with me. I should be more patient with him when he fusses because it's honestly not that often. I should be cherishing this time where he wants me to hold him and love on him. I should be more productive during nap time! I should already be using my cloth diapers since we are back home now! I should be doing ALL THE THINGS!

These are some of the thoughts in my head. So when I watched episode 9 of A Show, I knew I had to share my thoughts. Because these are the ones that make me feel less than a mother, isolated, and alone. And that makes me think that these are the thoughts that other mothers are feeling that are making them feel less than exactly what their child needs.

So there it is. I look forward to 7 pm all day. And I also know that I am exactly what Jude needs, thoughts and all.

*This post was sponsored by an unexpected 10:30am nap! Praise God.
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