My Soul vs. My Meat

I'm embarrassed to admit that I spend most of my days doing nothing much. Sometimes, I make our bed and sweep the floor. Some days I might even wash all the dishes after all the meals to alleviate the guilt I feel about living with my parents-in-law. Usually, I sleep in, eat, wander from coffee shop to coffee shop, and watch a ridiculous number of CSI reruns on TV. And everyone I talk with makes wonderful, compassionate excuses for my month of sloth.

The thing is, I have to figure out what I'm doing. I can't keep doing nothing. It's easier and I'm sick of myself taking the path of least resistance. I've been given an amazing time to prepare for this pregnancy, to accomplish so many things. Heck, I've been given 10 months to DO WHATEVER I WANT. How many people get this opportunity? How many people are running through their busy lives wishing for what I've been given? And here I am, having wasted the first 5 months of my time "off."

What really makes me sick is that I know all the time-management techniques. I know how to organize my time, turn big lofty goals into small actionable to-do lists, use 10 minutes productively. I just don't. Kurt Vonnegut once did a really good job of paraphrasing Romans 8:  My soul knows my meat is doing bad things, and is embarrassed. But my meat just keeps right on doing bad, dumb things. This is exactly how I feel now. I'm embarrassed when Kenny comes home in the evenings and asks me what I did that day. I sometimes don't have anything to tell him. And luckily, I have the most amazing husband in the world, who thinks writing blog posts and making vlogs and desigining in Photoshop count as legitimate tasks that deserve my time and attention.

I'm ashamed of how much time I've wasted. I'm ashamed at how easily I've allowed myself to continue making bad decisions. And I'm scared. I want to find some overarching sense of direction and purpose before Jude comes, because if he comes and falls into that spot, I think it becomes dangerous. I have the time to make sure that I'm not completely alienated when this boy comes into our world. Whether he speaks English with me at home or not, most of his world will take place in Korean. And if I'm not privy to that world, I'll be quite alone.

So, here's hoping my meat and my soul get it together. This post is the first step of many.
blog comments powered by Disqus
Blog Widget by LinkWithin