The Gift of Watermelon

I'm seriously beginning to doubt that watermelon is a gift.

When someone gives you a watermelon, sure, your first thoughts are, "How thoughtful! How lovely! How heavy." And then it's basically all downhill from there. Watermelon is a lot of responsibility. First, it's a hassle to get into. And second, where are you supposed to put it?

I am as excited about watermelon in the summer as the next person, but good grief don't give me one. The gift of a watermelon is really someone saying, "I think it's time you rearrange and clean out your fridge." If you do not rearrange and clean out your fridge, your watermelon will not fit in it. Even if you cut your watermelon into lovely lunch box size pieces to take to work with you for the millenia to come (because that's how much watermelon you now have), you have to put it somewhere. I like to keep some sliced up in a plastic Lock-n-Lock with a lid. But that Lock-n-Lock was probably already in use in my fridge. So, when I received the above watermelon, I had to empty out a whole bunch of things to make space for those cut pieces. And then, I still have the other big hunk of watermelon (I guess that's a fourth? Half of a half?) to store somewhere. In our fridge, I get to throw it in the bottom crisper drawer that is just deep enough to hold it.

And then there's the dilemma of how to consume the watermelon. I was only given half a watermelon, and it has turned out to be an inconvenience. I can't imagine anyone gifting a whole watermelon. That's just mean. I like to freeze some of it, but only so much because of freezer space and also, you must get out all the seeds. So, the gift of a watermelon is really someone saying, "Hey, you don't have enough to do. Pick all the seeds out of this with a fork."

Let's face it. You can only make so many watermelon smoothies, fruit salads, and watermelon-on-a-plate-let's-call-this-dessert before you are out of ideas. And let's face it, we are only two people. So, inevitably, we will watch this watermelon rot in our fridge. In other words, the gift of a watermelon is really someone saying, "You're a terrible person." And you believe it because you are such an irresponsible, uncaring, and insensitive person that you will let a wonderful, delicious fruit like watermelon go to waste sitting in your crappy fridge that freezes anything if it's too far back on the shelf.

Unless you believe that someone is in need of a serious fridge purge, needs a hobby that involves a fork, or is simply a terrible person, don't give them a watermelon. Otherwise, go for it.