And I was going to write this on Wednesday, but then I had to clean the litter box, and eat dinner, and wash the dishes, and do laundry, and watch TV in English! Also, I had to read a bit more of Middlemarch because I really have no idea how this story ends. And then, of course, I had to sleep. In conclusion, welcome to What the Crap Wednesday, Thursday Edition!
So, I want a baby.
But I don't want a baby.
What the crap?
I know. Number one, I can't afford a baby. Number two, I don't want to not be able to watch my baby belly grow because I already have a food-baby belly in place. I'd like to lose weight and then get fat. If that even makes any sense. Number three, I would have to quit my job, because they don't exactly have maternity leave at the ol' hagwon. In turn, we would lose our house because my job provides our apartment. (This might be able to be shoved up into number one, but whatever.) Number four, I have no idea what to do with a baby. Number five, I have a particular aversion to crying children. Number six, I want my sister to be first. She's been wanting a baby for who knows how long. It would feel wrong to have one first. Number seven, I want to travel. Number eight, I want to have more time with the HubbO. Because we've not even been married a year. (But almost, so yay!) Number nine, I can't afford a baby. Number ten, I can't afford a baby. (Also, the HubbO is not completely on board with my children-in-the-future plans. So, that's another strike against the baby fever.)
See? Ten good reasons why I don't want a baby.
But, no.
I still want a baby.
One that looks like this:
This is Sophia, the daughter of some of our good friends, Sandra and Philip. They graciously let us spend New Year's Day with their family and Kenny and I got some great shots. We had a really great time. It made me want a baby even more.
I don't know what it is. There's just this feeling that rises up through the center of my chest when I see babies. It's not just a "so cute let me pinch those cheeks" kind of feeling. It's not necessarily just happy or dreamy, either. It's this kind of sobering and resonating belief in something small and vulnerable being worth whatever I have to give. But then this other feeling pushes the that down with a ripening of my will, my desire for freedom, my search to see the rest of the world. Or at least a bit more of it before I sit down in a rocking chair and sing lullabies. It's strange. Because I want a baby. And I don't want a baby. In the same moment. Am I crazy? Possibly.
To recap: I want a baby. I don't want a baby.
Anybody else feeling me on this one?
Seriously, y'all. What the crap?
(P.S. What the crap do you think about the new WTCW banner?)
