2. I got my new passport in the mail today. Reads Christina Danielle Park. Although I've been officially married since December, my name hasn't really been an issue because I was in no position to change it legally until we got to the States. And my bank account and check card here are still under Buckley, so I'm not signing Park to anything. Yet.
3. I have had a series of mild neurotic breakdowns over the past month. Most of them can probably be chalked up to birth control pills wreaking havoc with my hormones, adjusting to my country all over again with husband in tow, and generally being seriously disappointed in myself for all of the things I'm not accomplishing. I remember wishing every day last year that I was unemployed and of all the things I would get done if I only had the time. And yet, here I've been unemployed and not traveling for almost 2 entire months, with one left to go, and I've achieved NOTHING, except gaining weight and beating myself up about it constantly. I wanted to write some stories I outlined while traveling, some travel essays, and a random story about my grandmother who is slowly spiraling into the deep mysterious behavior of Alzheimer's. I wanted to revamp the blog; I wanted to keep my weight at a reasonable place by running again (was going good on that until Florida happened); I wanted to get rid of The Belly for good; I wanted to serve my sister and get to know her and be friends with her; I wanted to read up on some teaching philosophies and stuff to feel a bit less unprepared for my job; I wanted to learn a bit more Korean vocabulary before returning; I wanted to not drive my husband crazy, but be a good wife and tour guide; I wanted to scrapbook something important, like my wedding or bits of our honeymoon; I wanted to be comfortable. Instead, nothing. Nothing except struggling to get out of the bed before 10am and trying to remember to take a shower at least once a day and not strangling my husband because he is always wanting to do something. Ultimately, I feel I have failed at summer. How pathetic is that? Who fails summer?? Me, that's who.
4. ChubbO is here to stay. It really is something inside me. A disease. I have thoughts about food almost constantly, especially now that I'm on the "Eat Whatever the Hell I Want and then Feel Awesomely Guilty About it Later" diet. My thoughts run along these lines: "Hmm... what do I want for lunch? Are we going to eat out? Should I have a large sweet tea or a java chiller while we ride around in the car? Is Mom going to give me the look if I ask for Starbucks? Can I get away with eating chocolate today without feeling judged? Why are there never any Doritos in this house? Mmmm... what's for dinner? Is it going to be good? Is it going to be enough? Will I have to share?" You get the idea. If there is food in front of me, but it seems like I'm having a conversation with you, you're being lied to. I'm obsessed. Help!
5. I LOVE KIMCHI. Yes, I love the food, but I'm talking about my cat. And I also hate her, too, because she has taken to cuddling with and purring for the HubbO instead of me. Jealous much? Definitely. It's just nice to have her around, leaving large chunks of cat hair trailing around the house, snagged on table corners, and embedded in blankets. Her little meow is adorable. I wish we could take her back with us, but it would be torture, really. Here she has a huge house to rule and also a big backyard with two very fast bunnies to chase and squirrels to tease.
6. Sometimes, only sometimes, I find myself having baby envy. I know. That's a what the crap moment if there ever was one.
Hey didn't you just travel around S.E. Asia.. It is time for a rest! While you are there you can note the social differences between Korea and America.
ReplyDeleteSometimes doing nothing is a gift in life. When you return to work and are tired you will look back on your "nothingness" days.
Hello There. I normally just lurk but I had to comment today as you touched on something that I feel, no hope, that I can help you with. I too understand the whole chubbo thing. I was always a chubbo, my whole stinking life until one day I up and left the US and what do you know became a skeleton of my former self. I was terrified of gaining the weight back when I returned. It was literally my worst fear, I turned down amazing jobs because they involved a desk, I got wrapped up in a waitressing lifestyle because I beleiived that the extra movement each day would prevent it from coming back. I crash dieted, I cried, I moaned, I gained a lot of it back. For. A. While.
ReplyDeleteOne day, an old friend (at the time my ex, current day my husband) who knew me on both sides of fat said this to me, "You won't ever let it stay again Carrie, trust yourself, you might go there again, but now that you know the difference you won't ever LIVE that way again". Well he was right, I spent the next 8 years in America, having to work at it harder than living in a major city outside the US, and my weight went up and down and I joined weight watchers and became a lifetime member and then gained that back and then lost again. I guess you can say I am the typical example of the fluctuating dress size woman, the one that they all say we all are.
I am pregnant right now, with twins. And I am wathcing the kilos (out of the US again) creep back on again and even though I know that it's okay, necessary I can't help but feel slighted, angry, "what the hell, I was suppossed to be able to get skinny again without having to work so hard at it when i finally left my country again". But eh - the only thing i can do is trust that advice that I won't let it stay, it won't become my normal again.
You need to trust yourself to know the difference, know that you are going back to Korea in a month, know that you love the way you feel whern you are on the thinner side of your healthy range and in the meantime, enjoy the food woman!! I am living vicariously through you because I don't have those calorie laden, preservative filled, naughty naughhty eats at my disposal!!! It won't last forever, only one more month in fact right?
Oh and the last thing is that yes, you are right Chubbo is a lifelong thing, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean that you can't change your blog's name once you find more balance with how much of your mind the chubbo consumes.
Don't feel guilty! Just realize that you got healthy and active in Seoul, a place v. different prolly from where you grew up/lived. It's easy to fall into old habits when you go to old haunts. Just take it step by step like you did when you began. That and it is good not to internalize the crazy voice of skinniness that induces GUILT. Guilt sucks.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for a while but not left a comment. So here! Comment! It's okay if nothing gets done. Vacation isn't supposed to be a job XD
When you get back to Korea, take up Taekwondo; trust me, it takes weight off.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever had a look at http://kateharding.net ? It can be hard to be overweight, I am too, but I find reading this blog has helped a lot.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteRead this book: 'overcoming overeating, breaking the diet/binge cycle' by Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter
You're a wonderful young woman.
If only you could love yourself as much as your husband already does, your powerful inner beauty will truly shine through.
Please don't call yourself Chubbo. Call yourself anything but that, because your not!
Love your blog.
xox from Belgium