Jude EoJin Park is here!

Hello my lovelies! I have a brand new baby. He was born on February 15th at 2:32 pm and he weighs 3.02 kilograms! And he's PERFECT. If you want to see all the pictures I post, follow me on Twitter @wonjuwife or on Instagram. Love you all and we are so thrilled with the little guy.

Currently

First, thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who left me a kind comment, wrote a thoughtful email, or sent me a sweet tweet about my last post. I will be honest and tell you that I just sat with all that kindness you gave me. I just sat with it, soaked it in, and didn't bother about making sure I didn't let it go to my head.  Every gentle, encouraging word went straight to my head and I sat still, letting them all sink down into my heart. So, thank you.

Second, I am feeling much better. I wouldn't say I'm fully myself yet, but I'm finding my way back there. Despite the fact that the weather is viciously cold (I take these kind of temperatures very personally), the sun has been shining and that has made a world of difference. For two afternoons in a row, the sunshine has laid a bright square of warm light on the bed covers, and I've snuggled down into it with my kitters, reveling in the luxuriousness of naps in the sun. I've always loved to fall asleep in the sunshine, and it seems to be a special blessing just for me these days. I'm accepting it with open arms and soon-after closed eyes.

I was in the hospital earlier this week in order to receive a few pints of blood. My iron is dangerously low to begin with and it seems Jude was sucking the rest of it right out of me. This definitely could have been contributing to the depressed state I was in for so long. On Tuesday, the non-stop dizziness while I was lying still prompted us to go to the hospital and have things checked out. I'm fine and Kenny has been sneaking spinach into every meal and taking me out for steak on top of my iron supplements to get my blood back on track.

The past two weeks, really since I posted about my depression, have been so precious. I look back on just this last week and I can't count how many times I've doubled over with laughter, unable to hold myself upright any longer because Kenny and I are so tickled at ourselves. We've just been so dang funny this week. Sweet cuddles in the morning, making it a priority to get out of the house together before he goes to work in the afternoons, and the fact that every evening when he's finished I go pick him up from work have been helping me feel so much better. I am getting out of the house, out of our bedroom, and I'm spending more time actually enjoying my showers rather than sobbing through them. I am feeling so blessed that our marriage just seems to be getting even sweeter these days. It's like we're being refreshed and renewed right before everything changes.

Right now, I'm in a place where I know this time we have together is so rich and so limited. I'm trying to soak up all the moments we have just the two of us, because before I know it, there will be three! I'm just so glad to be feeling better, to be given this time of rest before Jude comes. It's a rest that's no longer filled with darkness and I couldn't be more thankful for it. I'm 37 weeks pregnant on Wednesday and have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. In these last few weeks, I want to just BE present. I don't want to wish away these last days of holding a piece of Kenny inside me. I want to be aware of every movement and appreciate this time. Lately, Kenny has made me feel like the only pregnant woman in the world. I have felt adored and cherished and cared for. What more can I ask for? (Besides a really quick and complication-free labor and delivery, right? ;)

Anyway, just an update to say that things are not normal. Not by any means. But they are not so gloomy and hopeless. If anything, I think I had to sink down to the bottom of that hole in order to get my soul to look up and see the goodness that was waiting for me. I am talking a lot more, letting myself be sad when I'm sad without feeling guilty, and allowing the happiness I've been granted to fill me up completely without shame. I've also been indulging in donuts, because come. on. They fix most everything.

Thanks again for all your support during the rough spots. I know I'm not guaranteed a smooth path from here on out, but your concern and love have definitely filled in many of the potholes along the way.

The Truth

I am struggling. I am fighting a heaviness I have not met before. Friends, I didn't know how to tell you, and so I just kept quiet. But now it is time to speak, now is the time to rally my strength and fight off whatever the hell this is brewing inside me. It is dark and scary and deep. To be honest, it is also really boring. Depression sounds so tragically beautiful sometimes– movies and dramas have made it seem like a heart-wrenching, but awfully romantic place to be. But it's not. I sit in my bedroom (that isn't truly mine) and lie on a bed (also not my very own) and I cry. Sometimes I sob uncontrollably and choke myself. Sometimes it's only tears and silence and my throat aches. Sometimes, when my body is tired of crying, I put it to sleep, hoping that while I am unaware, the hours will pass by and I will wake up new, fresh, feeling alive. But I never do. I wake up feeling pressed upon, feeling heavy, and feeling guilty for feeling all of these things while carrying this precious life around inside me. Sometimes I take half-hour scalding showers, pretending all I need is a good rinse, a good scrub, as if this despair can be washed away with a little soap and massaged out with a bit of lotion. But breathing feels the same afterwards. Lifting my limbs feels the same. I search inside for something warm, something related to hope, but I find a cold hard place right in my center.

The hardest part of all is the feeling that this depression, this constant undercurrent of immobility and inability, it has no legitimate source. I cannot point to things and appoint blame. Others must look at my life and wonder where all this sadness is coming from. Yesterday was a rough day. Kenny took me to coffee and said, "What is it, Danielle? Just tell me." And I had no answer.  I have no clue what it is. If I knew, I would tell him and we would fix it. But it's not a thing I can define. It's the cousin of despair, the bastard child of sadness and hopelessness. And it is unwelcome here.