Wonju Wife

2012

2012-01-06T17:02:00.000+09:00

Kenny and I decided to actually make use of our camera, to get used to lugging the huge thing around, to snapping photos daily before Jude comes. We took this monster on the Camino and saw how easy it was to just leave it in the bag because of its weight and bulk. I don't want to miss precious moments in our lives, especially after Jude arrives, due to laziness! So, we are hauling our camera around, documenting the quotidian details of our life together. I don't know that I'll post the pictures every single day. Maybe I'll try for once a week, with 6 or 7 pictures together at a time. Anyway, here's a look at our 2012 so far!

We began the New Year off right with lunch at a burger place that most importantly included CHILI CHEESE FRIES. Can I get an amen?

This is really our life. I am reading and rereading this book and constantly calling Kenny to come and read something about birth that he probably doesn't want to know!

This is proof that I have THE best husband in the world. Every night, he massages my legs and feet before bed to help with the weird pregnancy tingle.

Hiding under our duvet. We have a nightly routine of reading the Compline prayer together and then chatting before we fall asleep. I love spending my life with this man.

I am not proud of this picture, but I do spend a lot of time in bed looking at my belly. Still hard to believe there's a little human in there!

This is earlier today at a coffee shop on our street. Kenny recently got a new job and works from 3-10pm. The schedule is suiting us well. We get to wake up together, eat breakfast together, run errands or just lounge around during the morning and early afternoon. I usually drive him to work and pick him up later. I'm delighted that I get to start my days with him!

And that's what's been going on! How has your year been so far?

So Much Cute

2011-12-08T23:53:00.000+09:00

Bo Bears loves to get in boxes.

Miso likes boxes, too. She climbed into my mom-in-law's summer clothes box.

Bo also cuddles with plastic bags. And wears Kenny's glasses just for kicks.

Miso loves watching National Geographic documentaries. She is partial to the ones about snow leopards and lions.

She got really excited about the birds, too. I love her little paw in this picture.

I'll probably end up pasting these photos all over the Internet, via Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, but they were too cute not to share here, too!

Blerg!

2011-12-06T23:53:00.001+09:00

Yesterday I had a pretty sore throat, but last night turned into full-blown misery with Kenny and I taking turns keeping each other awake with coughing, hacking, and wheezing of all sorts. I spent today resting, literally accomplishing nothing but a hot, steamy shower.

I didn't go to the doctor today. I've actually got an appointment scheduled for Thursday, so I'll see what kind of medicine I can take then. I'm so glad that for now it's just a ragged throat and hasn't moved into my sinuses yet. I can still breathe, although breathing does aggravate my throat constantly. And I've got a pretty sick headache going, with all the coughing and efforts not to cough because it hurts.

I had good company today, though. The kitters always seem to know when I'm sad or sick and tend to spend more time with me. So that was nice.

I'm hoping to kick this thing this week and get back to feeling better!

Cat Ladies Unite!

2011-12-05T23:32:00.000+09:00

If you follow me on Instagram, you'll see that most of the pictures I post are of Miso and Bo. And really, I can't stop. And of course, when Twitter tells you time and time again that you have the cutest cats on the Internet, why would you even consider not posting pictures of your cats sleeping, sleeping, and sleeping? Because I love my kitters so dang much, I also love cat versus human so dang much! I'm not sure when exactly I found this website (maybe through the lovely Diana at Our City Lights?), but when I first saw it, I spent hours looking through all the comics and laughing hysterically because Yasmine Surovec, the artist and genius behind cat versus human, completely draws your life. Anyway, I recommend you check it out, even if you don't compulsively take pictures of your cats doing absolutely nothing. Here's one of my favorites:

View more of Yasmine's brilliant comics here!

Bo is a pretty regular In-Betweener, while Miso has been known to employ the Pillow Takeover tactics and loves The Butt Warmer. Hopefully when Jude comes, he'll sleep in his own bed from the beginning so I don't have even more competition for the covers!

O Come, O Come

2011-12-04T22:58:00.000+09:00

Today in the English worship service I attended, we sang "O Holy Night." And as the music began, I found myself closing my eyes against tears. I was filled with joy and my soul leaped and shouted that first verse and chorus. And as I sang from the deepest places, the darkest places, I was reminded of a phrase in John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath where he mentions Tom Joad's pregnant sister, Rose of Sharon, smiling the secret smiles of a mother. I found, as I sung, one of those secret smiles on my face. And I couldn't stop.

This Advent season is so real to me. Advent is about waiting and expectation and I've never waited for or expected anything in quite the same way as the arrival of my son. I thought about Mary and how she, too, expected a son.

I have to confess that today was a new experience for me. It's not normal for me to consider Jude's coming with a "secret smile," with a sense of peace or imagining that I will be a good mother. Usually, the idea of his birth is surrounded by feelings of doubt and uncertainty. But today, for the first time, I felt that I was meant to be Jude's mother.

None of these sentences are saying what I want to tell you. Today, Jude moved inside me when I sang about the coming Christ child. And something inside my heart shifted towards this small boy whom I've yet to meet. And I began to wait with great anticipation, excitement, and some unfathomable love I've not felt before.

Now it begins.

Jude, I am waiting for you, and this waiting is so sweet. I have not yet been made fully ready, but a few more months and I will be.

Christ, I am waiting for you, and this waiting is so sweet. Your love and your coming is the promise I cling to. You are what makes me ready. O come, O come, Emmanuel.

Only at Christmas Time

2011-12-03T23:58:00.000+09:00

This is one of the songs I listen to on repeat during the Christmas season. Enjoy! I hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend.

It's Beautiful Here. I Hope You Find It.

2011-12-02T23:26:00.000+09:00

Last week, I had a really rough day. I don't know exactly what was wrong and I still couldn't tell you why I wanted to sob my eyes out every other minute. It was most likely a combination of pregnancy hormones, pregnancy hormones, and more pregnancy hormones. Also, I live very far from the Krispy Kreme. (I'm just mentioning this because it might be a contributing factor.) It's also holiday season, a hard one for this expat, even though it's been years and years since I've lived at home. So, put all these things together, subtract donuts, and you get me calling my husband on a Wednesday and telling him I cancelled my tutoring sessions and asking him wildly through my tears if he was upset with me for practically throwing money away by not meeting my students. He, of course not a hormonal, homesick, pregnant, and donut-less lady, told me there was no reason for him to be upset. If I needed a break, I needed a break. (Let's pretend like I actually do anything that I could possibly need a break from, okay?) He tried his best to calm me down and told me he hoped I felt better soon. I hung up the phone and immediately felt guilty for calling him and bothering him with my silly crying fit.

About an hour later, he called me. "Hey, come downstairs. I'm taking you to lunch." I went down and met him and he drove us to one of my favorite burger joints. He told me he just felt like he needed to be with me and take care of me for a while, so he took a few hours off work to come spend with me. We sat in the restaurant and talked for over an hour. We speculated about the future, discussed our dreams and how to make them come true. It was so refreshing.

We've been married for almost three years (come February) and we've been together for five. And I've never tired of sitting across from this man, listening to his ideas, telling him my secret fears and hopes. It's still my favorite part of our relationship- the way we communicate, the way I feel known and understood by this other person.

Last night, my legs were tingling again. I knew that another rough night lay ahead and I was already miserable just thinking about how I wouldn't sleep. (I once read that insomnia is basically exacerbated by the insomniac dreading the insomnia. It's our fear of not sleeping that contributes to our not sleeping.) Kenny and I were ready for bed and he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the bathroom. He sat me down and filled a basin with almost-too-hot water and proceeded to soak, wash, and massage my feet and legs for a good 20 minutes. It was blissful. And this was after he had worked a full day, had come home and helped me clean up around the house, and done some editing for a friend. My husband is amazing. I'm constantly in awe of his servant's heart and the way he cares for me.

If Kenny never said he loved me again for as long as we're living, I still wouldn't doubt it for a minute. This is what real love is. I hope you find it. It's beautiful here.

Right Now

2011-12-01T23:39:00.000+09:00

At this moment, I'm cross-legged on the couch, already mourning the fact that I can't get into a position where my legs don't tingle. Especially in my ankles. Isn't that strange? It's so strange, in fact, that it kept me up most of the night last night. And I have a sneaking premonition that it will do so tonight as well because I'm not even ready for bed and the twitching, tingly feeling has begun.

At this moment, I am listening to THE BEST CHRISTMAS ALBUM EVER. It's by Sufjan Stevens and it contains 42 songs. And Jude loves Christmas music. He always gets really busy dancing whenever I listen to any kind of Christmas song.

At this moment, I am wondering what it would be like to finally live up to my own expectations. What would that feel like?

At this moment, I'm crunching a cup full of ice like a champ.

At this moment, I'm missing my family and the Christmas season at home. I know this month will be so much easier if I just put all my effort into making it Christmas here instead of wishing I were elsewhere. We had planned at the beginning of this year that we would travel to the States again for Christmas this year because my sister just had a baby girl, Epperley, and we planned to meet her then. But those plans were pushed back a year when I learned I was pregnant and then wasn't able to get a job after that. So hugely pregnant + no money = Christmas 2012 in Tennessee with all the babies!

And right now, I can't believe it's already December. Only a few more months until our son arrives. It still feels so strange to even say that. I'm going to have a son. Wow. I'm just going to sit and crunch my ice in awe of how fast and how slow time goes all at once.

You guys, CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

26 Weeks

2011-11-30T23:46:00.000+09:00

Can you believe the size of this thing?

Kitters Galore: Instagram Recap

2011-11-21T16:24:00.000+09:00

The kitters get a lot of attention at our house. They used to get a lot of attention here on the blog, too, but that was before I got super duper lazy about switching to the Windows side of my computer to edit photos and oh- it was before I stopped taking photos with anything other than my iPhone. We have a nice camera and we even have a few good lenses for it, but Kenny uses it at work almost daily, so it's never around. There, now I feel I've given every legitimate excuse for not blogging about the kitters more regularly (or blogging more regularly in general, ack!). And since I'm snapping photos of Miso and Bo on a daily basis and posting most of them to Instagram, I thought I'd round up some of the latest and feature them here, so you could enjoy them, too! If you want to keep up as they're posted, you can follow me here on Twitter and on Instagram. Without further blabbering on about how precious my cats are, here are some of my favorite Instagram shots from this month.

1. Bo is a serious couch tater. 2. Miso likes to hunt for dragonflies on the roof. She is really good at catching them and bringing them inside and letting them loose in the house. It's like she's bringing us presents. 3. One day Bo just jumped up on the couch and sniffed my belly for a few seconds then turned a circle and snuggled right up to my baby bump! 4. Miso does a daily weather check out the window. 5. Bo shows off his serious overbite. He's such a little snaggle tooth! 6. Miso commiserates with me as we mourn our winter weight gain. 7. Miso, just hanging out by the tissues. 8. Chilling on the couch with Kenny. 9. The most relaxed I've ever seen Miso! She was so cute sitting like this.

Please Let it Be Prophecy

2011-11-14T15:09:00.000+09:00

I've had two dreams of delivering Jude so far. One was last month. I dreamed that I was in a hospital with my mom, which is weird because my parents and Mamaw aren't flying to Korea to meet Jude until April and he's expected late February or early March. So that was strange. It was just me and mom and no doctors anywhere. I told my mom I needed to get up to go to the bathroom- like a serious "sit and think about some things" bathroom session- and she said, "You better not. Just stay here. You're gonna go when you give birth anyway." So I felt this pressure and then a baby just slipped right out of me! And the thing is, this baby could talk. And this baby said to me, "My daddy is Shaq." As in, the baby's father was Shaquille O'Neal, and I started to cry uncontrollably because I was so confused and disappointed. I really had wanted the dad to be Kenny. Crazy, right?

So Saturday night I had this dream that I was going into labor and I was getting ready to experience all this horrible pain and again, all I felt was this slight pressure, and I put my hand between my legs and caught his head as he slid out. So strange. In the rest of this dream, I was also with my family in the States, running from the cops because my dad was wanted for tax evasion or something. And I kept forgetting the baby. Sometimes Jude looked like a real baby, and sometimes he looked like a miniature Bo. That's right, half the time in the dream my baby looked like my boy cat. And I kept remembering I had him and saying, "Oh, Mom! The baby! Where's the baby?"

I've always had vivid dreams, and I've always been able to recall them. Sometimes the feelings leftover from my dreams can put me in a funk for the rest of the day, they're so strong and feel so real. I once dreamed I kissed another man while married to Kenny and after I woke up, I felt so guilty the entire day! So, I'm used to having strange dreams. And they say that during your pregnancy you'll have crazy dreams. And I'm all, "Bring it on. Can't beat the ones I'm already having." And it's true that these dreams are shorter and less unusual than my normal nightly adventures. But the thing is, both times I've dreamed about birth, it's been completely pain free. Pressure and then he slides right out. So, I'd like to ask you all to pray right now that my dreams continue in this manner. Not only that, I'd appreciate any prayers you can spare for my actual labor. They say you should pray specifically, so I'll help you out with this one:
Dear Lord, please let Danielle's delivery mimic her dreams. A little pressure and baby Jude slides right out. Thank you for the gift of prophetic dreams. In the name of sweet BABY Jesus, Amen.

The Ideal

2011-11-12T16:20:00.000+09:00

After we finished walking the Camino last May, we spent the better part of a week in Barcelona. We spent two or three afternoons at the topless beach, reveling in the perfect weather. I wore my entire bathing suit to the beach, but took off my top with all my other clothes. Five years ago, I wouldn't have thought one second about baring my breasts in a public place, much less one where there were so many other amazing breasts to compare with mine. But after spending time in Korea, becoming comfortable with my own body in front of other women at the public baths, and ultimately becoming comfortable enough to stop caring if other people weren't comfortable with my body¹, the topless beach thing wasn't a big deal. I didn't feel stared at or ogled. I had just finished walking over 500 miles for 32 days, and my body was a prize. I wasn't completely happy with my size (does this EVER happen?) or with every part of my body, but I was satisfied enough to feel that I was owning my body in a way I hadn't ever done so before.

I had gotten up every morning and fed myself well and then walked for miles every day, fully deserving those sweet hours of sleep between yellow arrows pointing the way to Santiago. I felt productive in a new way. I didn't necessarily produce much, except for an exceptional amount of perspiration and dirty clothes. But I was going somewhere; I had direction and purpose to wake up to each morning; I had my body to thank at the end of the day.

Back to the beach. Back to a time when Kenny and I spent an entire two days of the trail talking about baby names and using phrases like, "In three more years," or "after we hike in Peru" just to make sure we agreed about the timing in our marriage for children. We were leaving the beach the last day when I saw a small girl, maybe a year and a half old standing under one of the showers for rinsing off the sand. She couldn't push the button to make the water come out, but she was standing there with her hands out just waiting. She also happened to be completely nude and adorable with her perfectly round tummy and her pudgy little hands waiting expectantly for the water. And then her mother came up to her and decided it was time to go. Her mom was topless and had another baby in a stroller. And you guys, this woman was breathtaking, both in the usual sense of being a beautiful woman and also in the sense of being a mother. And as I looked at her and watched her chase her babies inside that skin, I turned to Kenny and said, "That's the mother I want to be."

So far, I'm not the mother I want to be. I started this pregnancy at 66 kilos (145 pounds) and yesterday in my 23rd week, I weighed in at 77 kilos (169 pounds). Now, I am not that woman who was in shape before her pregnancy and is mourning the loss of her figure. I happen to be in love with my big round belly, because that's where Jude's hanging out these days, and pregnant bellies are cute. However. The rate at which I promptly quit living my life and immediately began consuming unethical amounts of carbs have devastated the rest of my body. My boobs are huge to begin with and now I barely know what to do with them. My thighs and my butt have never even concerned me before, and now I find myself gazing at them with an open mouth in the mirror. Where did these come from? And HOLY BACK FAT. I guess Jude is just rearranging all the fat that can't settle around my midsection anymore. He is delegating it to my back and my upper arms. And I know that this post is silly in some respects. That worrying about the state of my body and my weight is somehow supposed to be outweighed by the joys of growing a child, the wonder of making another person inside me.

But. It's just not healthy, is it? And health should be more of a priority for me. The weight I've gained isn't just pregnancy weight. It's lazy weight. Weight that doesn't have to be here. And it bothers me. I want to be a cute pregnant lady, not the one who uses her pregnancy as an excuse to eat three donuts in one day (hello, yesterday). There are a lot of things I need to work on. In my last post, I wrote about how dissatisfied I was with my inability to DO anything. Well, in the past week, I've volunteered to help at a library story time on Saturdays, volunteered to sing and dance at church once a week in an English play time, and found a prenatal yoga class that I'll start next week DESPITE the fact that I don't really speak enough Korean to understand what the teacher says without watching her the entire time. Add to that my private tutoring and I've got something to do almost every day of the week. So, I've managed to spread out my time and efforts and I'm hoping just having a reason to leave the house everyday will help stall the back fat extravaganza. Oh, and taking nightly walks with my husband, holding hands and talking about our days and our future. Yes. So, now begins the battle: The Ideal vs. My Back Fat. Let's hope the Ideal takes this one, eh?

1. I think this is actually the real issue. It’s not usually about what we think or feel about ourselves when we look in the mirror, but it’s about what we imagine other people to think about us when they look at us. It’s always the pressure of “the other” we’re measuring ourselves against. I’ve worked hard to guard against this and now I mostly try to measure myself against the best version of myself. But of course, this is also difficult.

My Soul vs. My Meat

2011-11-08T19:17:00.001+09:00

I'm embarrassed to admit that I spend most of my days doing nothing much. Sometimes, I make our bed and sweep the floor. Some days I might even wash all the dishes after all the meals to alleviate the guilt I feel about living with my parents-in-law. Usually, I sleep in, eat, wander from coffee shop to coffee shop, and watch a ridiculous number of CSI reruns on TV. And everyone I talk with makes wonderful, compassionate excuses for my month of sloth.

The thing is, I have to figure out what I'm doing. I can't keep doing nothing. It's easier and I'm sick of myself taking the path of least resistance. I've been given an amazing time to prepare for this pregnancy, to accomplish so many things. Heck, I've been given 10 months to DO WHATEVER I WANT. How many people get this opportunity? How many people are running through their busy lives wishing for what I've been given? And here I am, having wasted the first 5 months of my time "off."

What really makes me sick is that I know all the time-management techniques. I know how to organize my time, turn big lofty goals into small actionable to-do lists, use 10 minutes productively. I just don't. Kurt Vonnegut once did a really good job of paraphrasing Romans 8: My soul knows my meat is doing bad things, and is embarrassed. But my meat just keeps right on doing bad, dumb things. This is exactly how I feel now. I'm embarrassed when Kenny comes home in the evenings and asks me what I did that day. I sometimes don't have anything to tell him. And luckily, I have the most amazing husband in the world, who thinks writing blog posts and making vlogs and desigining in Photoshop count as legitimate tasks that deserve my time and attention.

I'm ashamed of how much time I've wasted. I'm ashamed at how easily I've allowed myself to continue making bad decisions. And I'm scared. I want to find some overarching sense of direction and purpose before Jude comes, because if he comes and falls into that spot, I think it becomes dangerous. I have the time to make sure that I'm not completely alienated when this boy comes into our world. Whether he speaks English with me at home or not, most of his world will take place in Korean. And if I'm not privy to that world, I'll be quite alone.

So, here's hoping my meat and my soul get it together. This post is the first step of many.

At the Moment

2011-11-02T13:01:00.001+09:00

I have a lot to tell you, but currently not a lot of time to tell it. And since Mary Oliver already did such a good job of saying what should be said, I'll let her speak for me today.

The following is an excerpt from her poem "Six Recognitions of the Lord" out of the Thirst collection.

Lord God, mercy is in your hands, pour
me a little. And tenderness too. My
need is great. Beauty walks so freely
and with such gentleness. Impatience puts a halter on my face and I run away over
the green fields wanting your voice, your tenderness, but having to do with only the sweet grasses of the fields against my body. When I first found you I was filled with light, now the darkness grows and it is filled with crooked things, bitter and weak,
each one bearing my name.

Politics

2011-09-29T10:47:00.000+09:00

So much going on politically in the States now. And I'm so far removed from it all. But I was rereading one of my favorite Mary Oliver collections the other day and came across this poem. It's so fitting, so I thought I'd share.

Of the Empire

We will be known as a culture that feared death
and adored power, that tried to vanquish insecurity
for the few and cared little for the penury of the
many. We will be known as a culture that taught
and rewarded the amassing of things, that spoke
little if it all about the quality of life for
people (other people), for dogs, for rivers. All
the world, in our eyes, they will say, was a
commodity. And they will say that this structure
was held together politically, which it was, and
they will say also that our politics was no more
than an apparatus to accommodate the feelings of
the heart, and that the heart, in those days,
was small, and hard, and full of meanness.

~Mary Oliver, Red Bird

So, My Pants Are on Fire

2011-09-27T13:12:00.001+09:00

Obviously, because I'm a liar. Unintentionally, of course.

What I didn't know when I set the deadline for revamping Wonju Wife into something besides Wonju Wife was that I would be in the middle of moving the week before. Kenny and I are making a huge move. We are moving in with his parents. Dunh dunh duuuuuuunnnnh. It's not something either of us ever considered, but we never expected to be pregnant this summer and be living on one income. We had taken this house with the expectation that when July rolled around, I would be gainfully employed and pulling a paycheck similar to my previous one, or even a bit more. So Kenny took a job that has the potential to make a lot of money, but currently isn't. And so, we're moving.

In two days. Because Kenny posted our apartment online as available and in 5 minutes within posting at midnight he received 5 texts of people interested. The next day, a couple came to visit that night and transferred money while they were here so we wouldn't show it to anyone else. Done. That's how amazing our apartment is. Kind of reminds me of the whirlwind it was moving into the place. Same moving out.

They had actually asked us to move out in a week's time, but couldn't get their money out of their own apartment (crazy Korean key money system!) until the end of this week, so we got an extra week.

All this to say, I most likely lied about October 3rd being any kind of reveal. That Monday is also a national holiday in Korea, so if I have anything to do with it, I'll be spending it with my HubbO.

I'm about to do some heart-heavy adjusting in my life, so get ready.

Update

2011-09-09T13:15:00.000+09:00

Hey guys! Just a little note here to say that I haven't completely forgotten you or this blog. I'm actually working on a redesign because I'm not Wonju Wife anymore and my mourning period is so close to over. I hope to have the new blog up and running (same spot, just new name and look) by the beginning of October! So I'm spending a lot of time watching tutorials on HTML and CSS and being creative on paper instead of on the Internet.

I never made an official announcement here, but I'm pregnant. I'm 14 weeks and counting. My due date is March 7th. I'm assuming most of you know this because I made a huge announcement on my YouTube channel titled My Big Secret and I also announced our pregnancy on Facebook. So, that's another reason I haven't been active here. I had an awful first trimester with all-day sickness and constant nausea. I feel better this trimester, but it has come to include severe day-long tension headaches and more morning sickness than I care to discuss here. Still waiting for that honeymoon period to start! Anyway, I'm sorry to have been absent for so very long and to have teased you with the first of our Santiago trip and not done anymore. But I think it's time for a change. And instead of rushing the change this time, I'm going to do it right.

Stay tuned for the reveal of all things new on October 3rd! Can't wait to get back to blogging. Oh, how I've missed you.

Camino Day 0: St. Jean Pied de Port

2011-08-05T15:21:00.000+09:00

The traditional El Camino de Santiago or Way of St. James starts from a tiny town in the south of France, some of the most beautiful countryside I’ve ever seen. We took a train from Paris to Bayonne and there was nothing to do but look out the window. Everything was so green, with hills rolling and perfect red-roofed and gabled houses. After we arrived at Bayonne, we took a bus to get to St. Jean.

St. Jean Pied de Port around sunset.

On the bus, I couldn’t stop that nervous feeling bubbling up from my stomach through my chest. The bus made several stops in little villages on the way to let out a few older passengers, most with canes and berets. At every stop I found myself praying this wasn’t ours. Because the closer we arrived to St. Jean, the closer we arrived to the beginning of what could possibly be a mistake. I’m always like this, dreading the beginning of the thing, instead of the actual thing itself. We finally pulled in and walked with all the other pilgrims towards the office to get our Camino credencial, a passport of sorts that would be stamped with the name of all the albergues we slept in and towns we walked through.

After we got our credencials, we went to the albergue to put down our bags and find a place for dinner. I was surprised at the age of many of the pilgrims there. I imagined walking with younger people or others around our age, but many of the pilgrims were in their 50s, some in their 60s, and many doing this for the second or third time. It was encouraging and intimidating at the same time to see so many different people planning to take this journey.

I had no idea what to expect. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was excited, scared, full of anticipation, and of course, bombarded by the snoring of almost every other person in the room. Tomorrow: follow the yellow shells to Santiago!

Old School: My Favorite Seoul Posts

2011-06-27T16:59:00.000+09:00

Hello my lovelies! I thought I'd do a roundup of my favorite posts that I wrote during my first year spent in Seoul. I moved to Cheonho in February of 2008 and we were married February 2009 and then took off for our 6 month honeymoon. After that, we moved to Wonju and spent almost two years there AND NEVER BOUGHT ONE SINGLE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER. No, I'm serious. I never bought toilet paper while we lived in that house because Kenny's friends and family had brought us toilet paper, Kleenex, and laundry detergent as housewarming gifts. I still think it's awesome.

So, anyway, I thought I'd share with you some of the best memories I made and some of the most profound moments I had when I lived in this big city a few years ago. Talk about self-referential, I know. Many of you might have started reading this blog after VEDA last August, so I thought it might be some background for the newer peeps as well. So, if you've got nothing to do, click through the archives and have a look!

Teacher, Teacher! I used to teach at an English preschool and my kids were hilarious. They also induced nervous breakdowns and lots of yelling, but mostly they were funny!

How to Be Surprised. This post is a reflection on what I felt when I am confronted with true vulnerability in others. And myself.

Subway BFF. This is part of the Imagine All The People series that's been defunct for a while, but which I'm planning to revive soon!

I Went Ice Skating. Pretty self-explanatory.

New Year, New Family. Reflections on the Lunar New Year celebrated with Kenny's family a few weeks before our wedding.

And those are some of the posts I most enjoyed reading and most enjoy rereading. Hope you enjoyed them, too! Also, check here in case you missed the Apartment Tour Video or my Expectations video on YouTube. Subscribe, yo!

Three Things

2011-06-20T14:23:00.000+09:00

One.
We've got the apartment pretty much set up to our satisfaction. We're still waiting to get a few more things to organize the kitchen space, because (don't even get me started on design and function and my dad is a cabinet builder/designer so good grief I know way too much about how WRONG this is) there's a lack of upper cabinet storage and the lower cabinets are funky. The only other thing I've left to do is organize my desk and crafting stuff, which is taking FOR. EV. ER. So, I thought I'd share some pictures of our space and I hope to get around to a video tour sometime this week!

the office corner

I'm really happy with the way our desks came together. Kenny's desk is the one Miso is so comfortably lying on.

the sleeping corner

I'm really happy about the recessed wall where we shoved the bed. It gives us a feel of divided space, but doesn't close off the room and make it feel smaller.

the living space

I love love love our new couch! Such a perfect fit for us and so comfortable. When I'm at home, if I'm not at the desk, I'm definitely on this couch. The cool thing about it is that it's adjustable. So, say we move into a new place in a few years and this couch's configuration doesn't work. Well, the long cushion is actually just velcroed to an ottoman. I make the long cushion part of the seating and take one of the single cushions and attach it to the ottoman and it can be moved around. It could also be done with the long cushion on the other side instead. It's flexibility is great for our nomadic lifestyle. We haven't exactly figured out what color it is yet.

the kitchen corner

So, it needs a little work, but it's functional and my washing machine has rid me of my drum machine prejudice.

the view

The lighting looks funky to the camera, but it's pretty in person. Our view is fantastic and I find myself often "waking up" from looking out the window and having to check the time.

Well, what do you think?

Two:

This film was shown yesterday at our church service as part of the Not For Sale Campaign, which is working to "re-abolish slavery" and put an end to human trafficking.

And, three:

Thanks to @clareyt for tweeting the link to this awesome video. Don't listen to the lies, girls!

That is all.

On Moving

2011-06-14T17:26:00.000+09:00

"So I'm holding within me a great sense of excitement, anticipation, and rejoicing at new beginnings, but at the same time, I'm also harboring a sense of loss and sadness. So many good things happened to us in this house. It's hard to believe it could get any better." (from my journal June 5, 2011)

{from Judykauffman via etsy}

So, we moved. We have been planning on moving. It wasn't a surprise, except for how fast it all fell into place. But I still felt sad about leaving Wonju. The night before we left, Kenny and I sat down in the living room and recounted all the blessings and good things that had happened to us in that quaint, perfect apartment. We numbered the things we were thankful for, the amazing gifts we received, and the beautiful friends we made there. I sobbed through the entire list and when Kenny prayed for us and the cats to have a good and non-stressful move and prayed that the next inhabitants of the house would find it just as wonderful and perfect as we have, I cried even harder. It was our first place as a married couple. The kitters came to us only a few weeks after we moved in. I had a fabulous community of coworkers and friends in town. We were so comfortable there. I was surprised at how attached I had become to that place, but now I'm so glad that I mourned leaving it. I still miss Wonju, but because I took the time to be sad and to admit how much it had meant to me, I can say I'm looking forward to seeing what this tiny Mapo house has for us.

The thing we most need now is patience. Because we moved into a furnished apartment in Wonju, we didn't have much furniture: just our bed, our desks, and a kitchen island. We left so many things in the Wonju house because they weren't our style and we had bought them simply to meet an immediate need and because it was cheap. I don't want to do that here. I want to wait and look for exactly what I want. I want to build our home with intention so that we have things we delight in everyday and will want to take with us to the next place.

Money is also an issue for us this summer because I'm not working until August, paying to go to school, and Bo just cost us about $1,000.00 in surgeries in under a week. (The poor guy is having a rough time. First, he had contracted some periodontal disease from when he was so sick as a kitten. It had infected his gums and they were pulling away from his teeth. So he had a lot of reparative and preventative work done last Thursday. Then, on Sunday, while he was staying at my mom-in-law's, she called us and said he was limping and wouldn't let her touch him. We took him to the vet later that day and had x-rays done. But she said nothing looked broken. Apparently she missed his hip fracture, because I took him to another vet close to our house today and he could feel his hip out of place right away. So he's scheduled for hip surgery to remove the broken pieces of his hip bones tomorrow. My little Bo Bear has been in so much pain. And expensive pain, let me tell you.)

All of these circumstances combined means we need to practice the art of waiting. Waiting for the right piece of furniture, waiting for the paychecks to start coming in, and waiting to make sure we really need what we feel is so necessary right this minute.

And all you have to do is wait for me to get a few more things organized before I throw up a video tour of the new place!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who has continued to read this little blog. I haven't quite got the heart to change my name from Wonju Wife to whatever comes next yet. But I couldn't be happier with the lovely comments I've gotten from all of you. I still mentally click my heels and physically bounce around in my chair with joy everytime I read your words. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

P.P.S. I'm reading Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace this summer with a whole lot of cool Internet friends. If you haven't joined, read about it here, and do it already!

Just Do the Work

2011-06-08T08:00:00.000+09:00

Confession: I buy things that are supposedly going to help me turn into a better version of myself. Honestly, I was just sitting at my desk looking at the three planners I have for 2011 so far, and I had the thought, “I need a new planner so I can really plan stuff.” Seriously, that’s what ran through my head. If I don’t plan stuff now, what makes me think I’m going to plan stuff just because I buy a new planner? I have hundreds of blank journals at home because I get halfway through one and then refuse to pick back up after I’ve taken some time off. I buy a new one and think that the new journal will magically transform me into a disciplined journal writer.

I do this with new clothes as well. One new shirt is going to turn me into a fashion icon. Yeah right. I can see you all rolling your eyes. And haircuts. I am always incredibly disappointed after new haircuts. It’s like I somehow think they’re going to make me thinner. If only, right?

People often talk about using the right tools or having the right accessories. But for me, sometimes, the accessories are just an excuse. Something I’m waiting for to do the hard work of personal transformation for me. Isn’t that what all this stuff is? An excuse. All this material crap has to be hauled around to apartment after apartment and country after country. Couldn’t I just go ahead and put in the hours of self-discipline and get rid of all the stuff?

I’m not buying anything new that will inevitably not turn me into a brand new shiny version of myself that is so close to perfection it will never exist. I’m just going to start using what I have and doing what I can to be who I need to be.

I have three planners. Surely one of them could work!

The Rapidity is Exhilarating. And Scary.

2011-06-04T00:38:00.000+09:00

May 31: Land in Korea. Travel to mom-in-law's house to reunite with my kitters. Mention before going to bed to the husband that we should look at apartments soon.

June 1: Get up at 7:00 am. Husband is super duper on top of making appointments with realty offices in Seoul. See 5 apartments¹ in Gwanghamun. See 3 apartments in Gangdong. Have 8 pm appointment to see an apartment in Mapo. Go to 8 pm appointment and love the place. It's bigger than most, has a view of the river, and enough room for our queen size bed and both our desks. We put a teeny tiny deposit of $100 down so he won't show it to anyone else.

June 2: Go back to apartment. Double check it. We're still in love. 6 minute walk from subway station. Sign papers. We have an apartment. The guy asks us when we want to move in. Kenny says, "June 10th."

June 3: Load up the kitters and head back to our mansion² in Wonju. Repeat to one another over and over, "Gosh, a week left here." "Wow, that was so fast!"

It was completely unexpected. I thought I'd spend a last summer in Wonju. But hey, the new apartment has air conditioning and this one doesn't. So, I have a week to pack! And that's what's happened since I've been back. I'll slowly be going through pictures and journal entries and telling you about all our adventures in Frankfurt, on the Camino, in Barcelona, and in France.

Feels so nice to be back.

¹So basically we looked at one room places. They’re generally called officetels in Korea, but I don’t like the look of the word and I don’t like typing it either.

²Obviously since we’re downsizing to a one room studio type place, this two-bedroom apartment with it’s many doors and corners feels huge.

Missing Home

2011-04-01T19:01:00.000+09:00

Is it possible to miss a place you haven’t left yet? From what I’m feeling lately, I think so. This is our first house as a married couple. This is where our cats have grown up. This is where we know our grocer and our favorite barista by name. This is just home now. I know the bus numbers. I have grown to love Wonju and how it is half city half countryside. I love that there are still undiscovered gems to be discovered down alleys and back roads here. I don’t feel I’ve exhausted the possibilities in my small city. I surely haven’t exhausted the mountain trails, either.

I know that relocating to Seoul is the best thing to do for us. Kenny needs to be in the middle of things to find a job he loves and that he’s qualified for. We’re both tired of teaching and I know that this is a fresh start for us in so many ways. I am looking forward to it with that giddy excitement bubbling in my gut that I have before I ride a rollercoaster. I know that to enter a new place I have to leave the old one first. I guess that’s why change is full of beauty and sorrow at the same time.

I’m cherishing up all the moments I can here. We fly a week from today and when we return, our days in Wonju are numbered.

I’ve been thinking about the name of this blog, how it will no longer be quite accurate. But I’ve also been thinking that Wonju is the place I grew into my role as wife. It’s where I grew to understand what love looks like (I still claim it looks more like washing the dishes and cleaning the litter box than any grand gestures). It’s where I fell in love with so much of my life. So maybe, in some way, I’ll always be Wonju Wife. And in some way, Wonju will always be home.

Preparation

2011-03-21T19:06:00.000+09:00

I’ve been walking. I’ve been carrying a full pack. Not as much as I should be, but I’m doing it. I’ve taken breaks that I didn’t deserve, but I’ve got blisters on my pinky toes that I’ve earned fair and square. Perhaps one of the reasons I am walking the Camino is because I’m not quite sure I can do it. I have some fraction of confidence; otherwise I wouldn’t be attempting a 500-mile hike in 30 days.

Last week I found my rhythm, my pace. I was on a trail through the mountains close to our home when I realized I’d been walking and not noticing I was walking. I had stopped thinking about everything. I had stopped recounting my faults to myself, stopped paying attention to the ache in my left hip with every step, stopped worrying about how fast I was going, stopped composing imaginary blog posts in my head. I had just stopped everything and had been walking. It was kind of like when you go on a long drive and you realize that you’re much further than you thought, but you don’t remember getting there. It was related to that feeling of progress without being aware of it.

This is not something I think will happen everyday for me. Today, I walked for over an hour before I found a hint of it.

It’s like my body takes over and I don’t have to worry about speed or if I’m going uphill or down. I am learning to listen to my body, to hear it say whether it would like to go a little faster today or if it needs a serious meandering walk today. I don’t want to miss the journey I’m on, because I know that it is the reason I’m going. I’m not walking to get somewhere. I’m walking to become someone and it’s the walking that will get me to that person.

I’ve been challenging myself to walk without music. I am falling in love with the sound of my feet crunching through the dirt and what’s left of the snow on the trails here.

I believe walking is becoming a prayer for me. I’m not sure what I’m asking for yet, and I’m not sure where the answers will take me. But I’ve got my boots on and I’m ready to go.

More Books I've Read! Yahooo!

2011-03-08T18:28:00.000+09:00

So here's a new vlog for you guys! Sorry to have been absent for so long. I quit my job on Friday, and I've been hiking and reading and hiking some more. Oh, and eating! But with this whole unemployment thing going on, I should be able to post more often! So, here's what I've done with my free time so far:

I'd also like to draw your attention to some other videos. My sister recently started song sparrow, a duo composed of Holly (the sisda) and her friend Amy. They sing! And they're pretty fantastic! Here's one of their most recent covers, sung amazingly well by MY SISTER. If you love them, go show your support by leaving a lovely comment on their YouTube channel or their Facebook page. Or heck, leave a comment here if you can't be bothered to click on the link. (For shame!) I can't tell you how proud I am of my little sister! I love to listen to that girl sing.

A Few Things I Love

2011-02-14T23:44:00.000+09:00

Hi guys! Happy Valentine's Day! I hope everyone is enjoying something you love or spending time with someone you love. I'm not going to do a mushy post about how in love I am (I'm saving that for next Monday, my 2 year wedding anniversary!). Instead, here's a list of things I am loving at the moment, around the web and whatnot.

1.First, in case everyone thinks I hate the Internet because of last Friday's post about Facebook, I don't! I love the Internet! And so does this guy. Ze Frank is very, very cool. This is what "connection" over the web looks like and feels like.

2. I've just discovered this, via Chester Copperpot and her pretty much infallible taste in music. I'm pretty sure this is one of the most beautiful videos I've ever watched!

3. Anything and everything Garrison Keillor. I'm currently reading Lake Wobegon Summer 1956. I've never read anything by him before, but my grandmother used to play a Lake Wobegon tape series on the way to family reunions. I remember loving to listen to him tell those stories and sing snippets of hymns. He introduced me to rhubarb pie. I might still have those tapes in my closet somewhere, but I wouldn't have anything to play them on. Instead, I listen to the weekly podcast of the Lake Wobegon bit of Prairie Home Companion. Seriously, if you don't love this guy, I'm not sure we can be friends. ;)

4. marc johns. I spent hours scrolling through his work the other day. It's simple, fun, and oftentimes hilarious.

Have a good week, lovelies! What are you loving, lately?

Wonju Weekend: Eat Your Heart Out Series

2011-02-12T20:14:00.000+09:00

ZenKimchi Food Journal

I only have so many months left in Wonju, so I'm taking advantage of all the restaurants and cafes until we leave. Thought I would share the wealth with you guys. If you're not in Korea, you can just drool over all the pictures and videos. If you are in Korea, get in touch and we'll have a weekend of eating in Wonju if you want!

The first place I'm featuring is Maryjane, a local cafe with a delicious menu. You can go read the article, Cake in a Cup, and watch the video of me eating one of my favorite things over at ZenKimchi's Food Journal. Go check it out. And make sure you leave lots of comments!!!

To Facebook or Not To Facebook?

2011-02-11T08:12:00.003+09:00

(source)

Is this even a question? For me, it is becoming one. Lately I’ve been thinking about how I connect with people. One day I looked up and wondered why I was even scrolling through the news feed. It had become a habit, something I did between teaching classes; when I was bored, it was something I did to delay the inevitable work in front of me. Lately though, it’s becoming clear that Facebook is not working for me. I’m not making or maintaining deep relationships there. I’m not meeting new interesting people there. I’m not hearing what people really have to say. And are we really saying anything important? I’ve been reading some interesting articles and posts about Facebook, about what it’s becoming and what we are becoming as we use it.

(This one is lengthy, folks. This post is not limited to 420 characters.)

Gwen Bell, one of the most respected social media guru’s on my radar recently wrote a post entitled Defanging Facebook. She and her friend Patrick talk about moderating or abstaining from the site altogether. For me, I don’t think I’ll ever completely give up Facebook, because it is a way to keep in touch with my mom and my sister, both of whom refuse to start using Twitter. Facebook mainly serves as a jumping off point for Skype conversations or longer in-depth email exchanges. And for that reason, I’ll keep it around, at least for now.

Another point of view to consider is Don Miller’s look at Digital Clutter. (Recently, Don has been rocking my world daily with his “Creator” posts, which are basically simple directives about who creators are and what they do.) But he got rid of his Facebook after asking himself some questions:

the question I ask myself with digital communication is different: Did I or anybody else benefit from this the past year? That’s a harder question to answer. Did anybody benefit from seeing my pictures from that retreat? Maybe. Did I benefit from knowing it was so and so’s birthday, or that so and so was in a relationship? Maybe, but probably not, to be honest. I’d rather find out that so and so was in a relationship when they came through town, stayed in the guest room and we caught up while listening to whatever music we discovered. So I decided Facebook should go.

Interesting questions, hey?

This article, written by Zadie Smith for the New York Times looks at The Social Network, the movie about Facebook, but the last half is really a reflection on how we are presenting ourselves, how we are being minimized by the site:

When a human being becomes a set of data on a website like Facebook, he or she is reduced. Everything shrinks. Individual character. Friendships. Language. Sensibility. In a way it’s a transcendent experience: we lose our bodies, our messy feelings, our desires, our fears. It reminds me that those of us who turn in disgust from what we consider an overinflated liberal-bourgeois sense of self should be careful what we wish for: our denuded networked selves don’t look more free, they just look more owned.

I agree that sometimes we leave out the “messy” parts. Who wants to project that they’re a miserable piece of garbage at the moment, feeling everyone is happier than they are? It seems that the Facebook “status” is causing serious anxiety for students, or anyone for that matter. Ask yourself how many times you’ve paused before hitting the Share button. How many times did you revise your status because it sounded too depressing, or even too happy? I’m not going to talk about how many times I’ve reworded something or gone back and praised God for the little x lurking in the corner.

(source)

This college professor dares his students to take a media fast from all technological and traditional media for three months and asks them to journal about their experiences. Could you do it? How much would we really miss? Are important, authentic dialogues taking place that we would miss? Or would we connect more with the people around us, connect more with the people we live with, heck, would we connect more with ourselves as we sit and listen to our brains, instead of constantly hacking out a new status update?

We keep saying that Facebook is a way to “keep in touch” with people. Maybe so, because I keep in touch with my family across the world, but is it really making us more social? Slate has an interesting article that says it’s doing the opposite:

By showcasing the most witty, joyful, bullet-pointed versions of people's lives, and inviting constant comparisons in which we tend to see ourselves as the losers, Facebook appears to exploit an Achilles' heel of human nature. And women—an especially unhappy bunch of late—may be especially vulnerable to keeping up with what they imagine is the happiness of the Joneses.

and then there’s this:

Facebook is "like being in a play. You make a character," one teenager tells MIT professor Sherry Turkle in her new book on technology, Alone Together. Turkle writes about the exhaustion felt by teenagers as they constantly tweak their Facebook profiles for maximum cool. She calls this "presentation anxiety," and suggests that the site's element of constant performance makes people feel alienated from themselves. (The book's broader theory is that technology, despite its promises of social connectivity, actually makes us lonelier by preventing true intimacy.)

When I read that last line, “preventing true intimacy,” I thought about the relationships that are only played out on Facebook and if they really contain any true intimacy. Are your relationships through social media authentic? Or are you part of the play?

(source)

There’s this video about how to use Twitter and they mention that 150 connections is the maximum number of meaningful relationships you can have and still be getting something out of them. So when I saw that I had over 300 friends on Facebook, I went straight for the “defriend” button. My new criteria for friends are that they have to have written something on my wall, left a comment, or sent me a message within the last year. If you haven’t communicated with me in any way over the past year, it’s not likely you’re ever going to. And you can always look me up and write a message without being my friend. ;)

I can’t completely knock Facebook, because at this point, I do use it and I’m not willing to give it up. Although, if I did, I’m sure I could still find ways to get in touch with family and friends to make Skype dates. But for now, I’m wary and cautious of what I’m projecting, how seriously I take what other people are projecting, and who I’m allowing Facebook to say I am.

What about you? Are you your Facebook status?

Failure is the New Success

2011-02-09T08:00:00.002+09:00

I am ready to erase regret from my life, my conversations, heck, from my vocabulary. The only time I want it to enter my consciousness at all is when I’m thinking “Holy crap! I have NO regrets at ALL.”

This resolve is a long time coming. It’s been building inside and was definitely sparked by our decision to quit our jobs in March and travel through Europe in April and May. (Details: blog / vlog) The fact is that most people wouldn’t do what we’re going to do. They wouldn’t take the risks financially, or even physically. The El Camino is no joke. But I liked to think that I never wanted to be “most people.”

But I had found myself looking at other people’s lives. I was reading about amazing women achieving their dreams, setting goals and meeting them, surpassing their own expectations. I was happy for them and rejoiced with them. But I was finding myself mopey and self-pitying at the same time because I wasn’t “most people.” I put myself in this situation by doing exactly nothing.

I was getting sucked into watching other’s lives unfold and reading other’s stories instead of creating my own. I also realized that I had begun perfecting that awful art of comparing myself to others —something I often despise when I see it in other people, but was fostering within myself. I felt my regrets piling up on top of me, making it impossible for me to move. I was regretting that I wasn’t living my life as myself. I was watching people I admire and wishing I were someone else.

So when Kenny and I were discussing skipping our trip because things might not be easy when we came back, I decided that I didn’t care about what other people would do or the decisions they would make for their lives. I’m not living anyone else’s life. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s time or achievements or adventures. I just knew I couldn’t add one more regret to the growing pile I’d stocked and hoarded.

One reason I had so many regrets was because I was ultimately afraid of failure. I’ve always had this insecurity that I wouldn’t make anything of myself, wouldn’t be who I wanted to be, would always have this empty feeling of loss when I glanced around at what I’d built out of my life. But that’s stupid. So I decided that instead of making success my goal, I would allow failure to become a viable option. When you fail, it means you have tried something, you have participated in your life, and you have attempted to change. And that makes all the difference.

The effort is worth something. And failure is worlds better than regret. So I am welcoming failure into my life and shoving regret out the door and using the deadbolt. Oh, and I’m not shunning success, either. ;)

A Major Reader

2011-02-07T23:12:00.000+09:00

(dulciebarbara)

I’m currently reading through The Best American Essays 2010 at rapid rates. I am thrilled with each essay I’ve read so far, and I was particularly smitten with the foreword by series editor Robert Atwan. His foreword introduced me to the idea of “major readers” and “minor readers,” both terms suggested in Vladimir Nabokov’s introduction to his Lectures on Literature. Nabokov writes, “Curiously enough, one cannot read a book: one can only reread it. A good reader, a major reader, an active and creative reader is a rereader.”

And this idea makes sense, because as Nabokov points out, the first reading is merely the act of moving your eyes across the page from left to right and becoming acquainted with the “world” of the book. I agree with him. However. I have serious issues with being a major reader. I want to be a major reader, of course. It is one of the things that I take the most delight in and that adds so much depth and richness to my personal life. But I tend to read in circles, instead of rereading, and the list of books I’d like to read grows longer every day. So, for me being a major reader equals a major dilemma.

The only book I’ve ever reread is Jack Kerouac’s Dharma Bums. When we decided to hike in the Himalayas on our honeymoon, I decided I needed to read it again. Although it is not set in the Himalayas, it does in fact deal a lot with mountains, hiking, and more mountains. I thought it would be a good book to psyche myself up and get ready for our Annapurna circuit.

But, honestly? I have a fear of rereading. I am afraid that by rereading a book I’ve already read, I’m forfeiting time with another book I haven’t read. I know that sounds obsessive, but I am nothing if not obsessive about reading and books. (Not just books for what’s inside, but I am also seriously obsessed with books as objects, books as things.) There have been certain times in my life that I have read certain books and they have been completely of the moment for me. And there’s this idea in the back of my head that if I choose to reread a book, I’ll miss the “moment” I could have had if I had kept on reading new material.

It’s all quite melodramatic, isn’t it? I have a friend who rereads the same books over and over, and I don’t doubt that he finds something new and fresh in them each time. I do believe that great books will stand the test of a million rereads. "No book is worth anything which is not worth much; nor is it serviceable, until it has been read, and re-read, and loved, and loved again; and marked, so that you can refer to the passages you want in it, as a soldier can seize the weapon he needs in an armoury, or a housewife bring the spice she needs from her store." That’s John Ruskin from his lecture “Of Kings’ Treasuries” collected in “The Lamp of Memory,” which I read at the end of last year.

This is my dilemma. I’ve only so much time to commit to the act of reading (heck, to commit to anything before my time is up), and I can’t bring myself to spend that time rereading something. Can I ever be a Major Reader? And does it mean my reading is not worth as much if I’m not?

What books have you reread?

Everyone Likes Ice Cream, Especially Me

2011-02-01T20:30:00.001+09:00

I found some footage of an ice cream run from my first year in Korea. I believe I posted it on this blog earlier, but it was an ugly piece of editing and uploaded through blogger, so basically it was crap. Welcome to the new and improved version of this video! (And if you haven't seen it before, feel free to leave a million and one comments about how you choose your ice cream!) Also, if you haven't already, go subscribe to my YouTube channel. Enjoy!

Reading in Circles

2011-01-31T07:00:00.001+09:00

I recently posted a video on my YouTube channel about what I’ve been reading so far in 2011. Soon after posting the video, I finished up Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh and picked up The Best American Essays 2010 (BAE). And that’s when a circle that began earlier this month was laid out for me. I read in circles. It turns out that although I don’t read on a schedule or plan what books I’m going to read in the future, somehow the next book always finds me, or suggests other books that I should read.

from The New Yorker

A recent circle: Earlier this month I read a collection of George Orwell’s essays (Did you know his real name was Eric Blair? Neither did I), Books vs. Cigarettes. I liked it. I had read 1984 a few years before and bought this particular collection back when I was living in Exeter, England. I finally got around to reading it this year. Two books later, I picked up Waugh’s Brideshead Revisited and finished that earlier this week. Last weekend, I went to a dear friend’s house and borrowed a book. That book just happened to be Down and Out in Paris and London by none other than George Orwell. Only, that’s not all. So, when I finish the Waugh, I pick up BAE and what should I find inside but an article on George Orwell. THEN, because the circle is not yet complete, I was searching for Books vs. Cigarettes on Kenny’s Kindle to see if he could get it there. It wasn’t available, but guess what I did find. A book entitled The Same Man: George Orwell and Evelyn Waugh in Love and War. HOLY CRAP! If that’s not a circular reading pattern, I don’t know what is. I didn’t purchase Same Man and I have yet to read Down and Out or the Orwell essay in BAE (A Fine Rage by James Wood, first published in The New Yorker), but it still totally counts because I’m going to read it and yet another circle will be completed and probably in the process a new one begun. (Usually, my “circles” don’t consist of the same author again and again. It just so happened that Orwell was the common link this time.)

Most of my reading happens in this way. It’s half the joy I find in reading, the way literature is all connected in some regard. I understand that this makes me a big fat NERD, but who cares? As John Green said in one of his vlogs, “Nerds are allowed to be un-ironically enthusiastic about stuff. Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-your-chair-can’t-control-yourself LOVE it. When people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is, ‘You like stuff.’ Which is not a very good insult at all. Like, ‘You are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness.’”

(And no, I haven’t read Animal Farm. And no, I probably won’t read it. I have a particular sensitivity to animals suffering, being vilified, and oh yeah, dying.)

More Writing; Less Other Stuff

2010-12-02T23:56:00.000+09:00

Writing. What do you do every day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?

(via)

I do not watch TV every day. But when I watch TV, I am watching. T. V. Don't talk to me, don't ask me anything, don't bother me, don't stand in front of the TV to get my attention. Basically, I turn into a monster when I watch TV. You may address me during commercial breaks, with caution. I also like to watch hours at the time. I can't just watch an hour of television. It turns into a four or five hour couch fest, sometimes involving ice cream. Now, like I said before, I don't watch TV everyday, but it's a seriously prohibitive activity for me. As in, it prohibits any other activity.

Can I eliminate this distraction that keeps me from spending time with words? Yup. Just last night on the way home from work, Kenny and I decided that we would cancel our TV service for the next year. It's going to be such a relief, really. Our last day with the TV is Saturday!

I also spend an enormous amount of time reading. I read books, (I read 5 last month, I think), I read a multitude of blogs, I read articles and magazines. Basically, I'll read whatever I can get my hands on. Now, one of the dangers of reading is that no one is going to tell a writer to stop reading. But there are seasons of reading and writing. Any writer will acknowledge that you have to fill up, then produce, then refill. I think to create good art, you have to be consuming good art. However, my reading season has expired. It has now become a substitution for writing. I use the fact that I am reading beautiful, thought-provoking, fabulous stuff as a justification. Consider: who is going to judge me for reading Bronte's Villette or Wharton's Age of Innocence? Who would deny me my Kurt Vonnegut or Graham Greene or Dave Eggers or Mary Oliver? No one. However, there is a time for everything.

Can I eliminate reading? Nope. And I don't know that it's an option. It's built into me. I come equipped with a psychological need to read. Parts of me start to wither and shrink when I'm not reading. But it is time to eliminate reading as an excuse for writing. I'm going to set a time to do each and not allow my reading to substitute for writing. As Solomon wrote so long ago:

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hat,
a time for war and a time for peace."

I'd like to add a time for reading and a time for writing to the list.

This post is part of reverb10 and was written in response to the daily prompt. Why don't you join me in reflecting on 2010 and deciding what you want from 2011?

December is Here

2010-12-01T22:47:00.000+09:00

I am beyond thrilled that it's December 1st. I love the holiday season and this year, I'm going home for Christmas! It's been a while since I spent a Christmas at home, and this will be the first time Kenny experiences Christmas American/Buckley style. There are so many things that I need to get done, that I need to accomplish, that I need to finish before we fly out on the 18th.

But instead of falling into the frenzy of the season, I'm going to attempt to mindfully reflect on what this year has been for me and what I want next year to be. That's where reverb10 comes in. If you don't know what that is, go here and check it out. I'll wait.....

2010 in one word.

Unfulfilled.

I made excuses for all my faults (after seeing just how base I could be). I look back on all my "plans" and "schedules" and I see that I succeeded at almost nothing. In August, I set a goal to vlog everyday. And I did. So, I felt a renewed sense of discipline and personal potential. But it seemed to die after that. And vlogging? It was an amazing experience and I'm thankful for the community I got to be a part of. But I didn't allow that experience to seep into any other parts of my life. I didn't carry that motivation into any other work.

I think before December is over, I'll have accomplished one other goal I've set (crafting a serious present for a special someone. Shhhh!), but that's about it. Kenny and I actually talk about this year as one we'd rather forget. Nothing terrible happened to us. Actually, it was an okay year. But nothing great happened either. And the sad thing is, it could have. It so could have. There were a million great things just waiting for me to move, to get started, to have some initiative, to get up. I've battled with a lot of self-revelation, self-loathing, and self-indulgence this year, in that order.

One word for 2011.

Full.

I want to live next year to the fullest. I want to look back at the end of the year and not be able to tally up all the things I put my mind to and accomplished. Even small things will be taken seriously. Because that's where all important things start; a germ. A seed so tiny you can't imagine anything of worth being contained within it. I want to see the fullness of possibilities. I want to be fully disciplined and fully determined to make every second of the year count. I don't want to keep looking at other people's lives and wishing mine away. I want to be full of appreciation for what I have been given, for what I am able to do. Even if 2011 finds me as lost and unmoored as 2010, I don't want it to be an excuse for not creating something out of that experience. Whatever and wherever I find myself, I want to make something out of it. Not everything has to be perfect or 100% brilliant. It just has to be earnest and attempted. That's what I want for next year. That's what I want for every year.

What about you? What's your word for 2010? 2011?

Right Now

2010-11-14T23:47:00.000+09:00

I am in a weird mood, akin to grief in some way. Maybe grief's second cousin. I finished Graham Greene's The Comedians last night and I'm a bit sad it's over. I think I always feel this way after finishing a book - some more than others. I step into another place and live there for a while. I got used to the idea of Haiti and the Tontons Macoute with their dark sunglasses and jeeps. I was familiar with the Columbus statue where Brown and Martha would rendezvous. I was fond of Joseph, limp and all, and could almost taste his famous rum punches. Anyway, it's over. I've put it back on the shelf, next to Villette, which also brought me to tears and showed just how much one can still manage to understand while skipping paragraphs of French I should be able to read.

Perhaps this mood is amplified by my current musical obsession: Goldmund's The Malady of Elegance. Also, I am mortified that I am just now discovering The Kings of Convenience. Go listen. Now.

However, I am definitely excited at the same time. Amazing how dichotomous I can be, eh? Tonight we settled with our landlord another year's contract. We'll be in Wonju for at least another year in our current apartment. We'll be getting new flooring in the office and our bedroom PLUS! an air conditioner for next summer! Woot. We only have to pay for installation for the air conditioner. The year's rent is incredibly reasonable and we've saved just enough in our "housing" savings account to be able to pay it all in advance come January. I'm thinking of doing a few things to spruce up our bedroom because it's so boring, and yet it's such a lovely place to be. I've been reluctant to put much more effort into the apartment since we don't own it and we'll probably move out after this next year here. But I think that's silly now. I should strive to make wherever I am a comfortable home and even though I might not own it, I can somehow make it mine.

I'm also currently thinking about Christmas gifts! Sadly, I'm doing more thinking than anything else! I know what I'm making for some of my family and friends and I just need to get busy.

Well, that's about all right now. Oh, and since I opened with books, I'll close by telling you I'm a few pages into Dave Egger's Zeitoun. I'm a reading freak these days.

What are you up to right now?

Keep on Keeping On

2010-11-12T09:26:00.000+09:00


(via see me everywhere)

"Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through."

-Ira Glass

Well, Well

2010-11-11T11:44:00.000+09:00

So, it turns out that I've pretty much started a revolution that has already taken place. Way to go for being behind the times, ChubbO. Mondays are not even a bad thing anymore, apparently. However, I would advise all my friends on Facebook and Twitter to stop posting "Oh noes! Monday woes!" on your status updates and such. Because you mislead a girl, who then realizes her Mondays aren't sucking, and decides to create a cute banner and start a revolution and rescue Mondays. But turns out, Mondays don't need rescuing at all. Way to go, Universe. Way to back me up on that one. Way to fill my blog with readers who all have good Mondays and read my post thinking, "What is she talking about? Having a bad day just because it's Monday is soooo 2009."

Anyway, I now declare Monday Doesn't Have to Suck a success. Because, it worked before I even made it up. How's that for awesome?

Join Me! We're Rescuing Mondays!

2010-11-08T21:01:00.000+09:00

The strangest Mondays have been happening to me. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason my Mondays just aren't as awful as they have been in the past. And I started cheering myself through my Mondays on twitter with the hashtag #mondaydoesnthavetosuck. Then, I got the idea that perhaps Mondays were in dire need of a rescue. Everybody is so negative about Mondays. And it's really not Monday's fault. So, I thought I'd start this little revolution in my own week and declare that MONDAY DOESN'T HAVE TO SUCK! So, some Mondays, I'll be posting a bunch of small, minuscule Monday-saving thoughts.

Why my Monday doesn't have to suck:

Early morning prayer with my husband. It's still dark outside, there are candles on the table, and I get to spend quality time with the man I love and the One who brought us together.
I caught all the green lights home from my Monday morning class at the kindergarten. Usually, it takes about 15 minutes one way. Today, it took seven.
She&Him playlist that is just making Monday sound good already.
Vietnamese for lunch with the HubbO. Woot.
I'm giving a test in one class, which means for at least 20 minutes, I'll be reading Villette by Charlotte Bronte.
I only have 14 Mondays left of work until I quit! Now, seriously, who can have a bad Monday after that thought?

I would love company on this mission to rescue Monday from all the haters. Specifically, to rescue it from my own bad moods by taking some time at the beginning of each week to consider why this day doesn't have to be the one I hate. Help me out and rescue your own Monday from sucking!

Time to Be a Big Girl

2010-11-07T20:36:00.000+09:00

0ver the past week, I've had some serious revelations about my character. Well, perhaps I shouldn't say revelations because that hints that I immediately came upon these things within myself, like stumbling and banging your shin against an out-of-position coffee table in the middle of the night. No, it's not like that. It is more like I finally decided to stop ignoring the large, lumbering ghost tapping on my shoulder from behind.

It is this: My main source of motivation, my main goal in life at this moment is to get from one comfortable place to the next. I think about hard work. I romanticize hard work. I admire people who work hard. I pretend sometimes that I do this kind of hard work. But, not really. I work hard to get back to comfortable. I work hard for short periods of time with shallow goals ahead of me. I sometimes aspire to discipline, but when I find it's more difficult than I planned, I easily let my aspirations slide out of memory. If I chance to look behind me, I can see pile after pile of abandoned intentions, shirked responsibilities, and avoided obligations littering the path I've come down.

I have been a child. I have not held myself accountable. It's time to grow up. It's time to accept that "comfortable" is not a worthy achievement. Comfortable is easy. Comfortable has little value and doesn't like to stay for dinner. It is short-lived, short-sighted, and temporary. It is best friends with indulgence. I'm tired of pursuing comfortable. I want to pursue something that matters and is meaningful.

I think I'm finally ready to figure out what that is. And chase it without restraint, no matter how much hard work it takes to get there. And no matter how little comfort accompanies me on the way.

"Virtue —even attempted virtue— brings light; indulgence brings fog." -C.S. Lewis

What the Crap Wednesday: The Book Report Edition

2010-11-03T00:28:00.000+09:00

I teach English. I assign weekly book reports. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is too good not to share with the world.

Note: The summary my student wrote, although grammatically hilarious, is, in fact, true to the story of the Little Mermaid as written by Sue Arengo. The end of this story is in itself owed a huge What the Crap. I have reproduced her report exactly as she wrote it, paying special attention to capitalization and punctuation as the student originally put it down on paper. I'd also like to say that I am wildly proud of this report.

Describe this character: This picture is Mermaid She has Red wavy long hair, and she has green long tail.

Why did you like him or her?
I like her, because she is kind, and she is a mermaid.

What happens in the story?
The mermaid is fifteen years old, she can see the sky. So she is fifteen, she go up to the sea. And, she saw a nice prince. So she loved him. And mermaid go to the witch's house. She saids "Can you help me? I want a leg, not a tail." So she can gots a leg, but she can't married, because prince loves another princess.

How did the story make you feel? Why?
I think prince is bad. Why prince didn't married with her? He likes her. But he didn't loves her? Why?! I don't know of prince!

What did you think of the story?
I think this story is kind of bad prince, mermaid, another princess too, because prince didn't married with mermaid. And why does princess loves her. I want to say to her "Mermaid, You can loves another men!!"

THE END.

Can I get a What the Crap, people? Who wrote this? Oh wait, it was Sue Arengo. What the Crap, Sue? I mean, I know kids don't need every story to end happily ever after, but good grief. The Little Mermaid went through all that trouble to get legs instead of her stupid tail, and then the Prince just likes her? And on top of that, he marries another Princess in front of the Little Mermaid? Yeah, okay, maybe this is closer to reality than the Disney version. But, is it appropriate for a children's book. And if we're going to go all Realism on this story, where's the Little Mermaid's best girl friend telling her, "Mermaid! You can loves another men!!"

*If this is your first What the Crap Wednesday, feel free to browse earlier editions here.

Of the Moment. Or Minute. Whatever, here's a list.

2010-10-27T00:18:00.001+09:00

Hello my name is Danielle, and I am obsessed with a number of things at the moment. Besides iced caramel macchiato. That's pretty much a given on any day. And because it's late and because I'd rather be singing with my husband (We're in a singing phase. He plays guitar. We sing. You wish you were us, I know), a list.

1. First, this video:

SUMMER CAMP - Round the Moon from Paddy Power on Vimeo.

via my new favorite blog I Am Photograph, actually found via my other new favorite blog, A Beautiful Mess. Watch this video. For reals.

Next, I have become ~~slightly~~ entirely bewitched by Internet shopping now that I've got a PayPal account. Turns out this was a huge mistake. It's so easy to push the little button and all my info is filled out and all I have to do is click. I should really wait until all my stuff arrives (of course I order from across the world and must have everything shipped to Korea, which takes FOR-EV-UR) and make a huge post, but I can't wait. This is my new winter way to make Koreans smile before noon! I'm pretty sure it's just as good as this one.

I bought this at Red Velvet Art owned by the lovely Elsie of aforementioned A Beautiful Mess. Really, this list is more like connect the dots.

Number Three: The picture above was taken with my iPhone and my latest App infatuation: Instagram. This is my favorite photo app so far, although I'm still loving the Hipstamatic and ShakeItPhoto. But Instagram is just good. It's easy to share your pictures and the quality is fabulous. Here are some of my favorite shots with it so far.

Also, I'm never not obsessed with my cats, but right now I'm obsessed with taking pictures of them. Especially Miso. She's just so photogenic and she looks at the camera and she stays still, like she knows what I'm doing. I'm not going to bore you with my latest series of kitters photos (don't worry, Bo is having his fair share in the spotlight, too). I'll save that for later. Put it on your calendar.

Next on the list is my latest absorption in literature. I'm just devouring it. I just finished Wuthering Heights two days ago. My favorite part: "...he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." I'm pretty lucky that I feel this way about my husband most of the time. (You can gag now. Go ahead; I'll wait.) Yesterday, I picked up and finished Nora Ephron's I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman. Sharp, moving collection of essays if ever there was one. Today, I began Graham Greene's The Comedians. Next in the queue are another Dave Eggers, Zeitoun, and yet another Vonnegut, Slapstick, because there is no such thing as too much Vonnegut.

Since I began this list of obsessions with music, I think I'll end it there, too. What's playing over and over all day, while I grade papers, while I'm at my desk with 10 minutes to kill between classes, while I run in the middle of the night, while I drive 5 minutes down the street? Well, I'll tell you. Florence + the Machine. I am consumed by this music. Specifically, this:

And this:

And that, my lovelies, is what I am preoccupied with and riveted by these days.

What are you currently obsessing over?

B is for...

2010-10-23T00:45:00.000+09:00

B is for baby teeth and brave smiles.

If you missed A, here it is. Also, in unrelated-to-alphabet-news, I'm looking forward to next week, which will hopefully wind down into a weekend with NO plans whatsoever. The month of October has been a whirlwind of extra teaching, tutoring, catching up with old friends, making new friends, selling my handmade notecards, discovering how easy it is to buy things with PayPal on Etsy (oopsie!), open-mic nights, weekends in Seoul, and of course, losing weight like a madwoman. Next weekend, the last one of the month, should find me curled up in a coffee shop somewhere, finishing up Wuthering Heights, listening to a million This American Life podcasts, and designing more handmade crap to my little heart's content. November will hopefully slow down a little bit, but I've got a few secret projects going on that will be pretty time consuming. And I hope that I'll continue to shrink with all the exercise and healthy eating I'm doing. Christmas Time, here I come! I think it's almost time to pull out the Christmas records. Woot.

Don't Be Fat Update

2010-10-18T21:26:00.000+09:00

I skipped last week's weigh-in because Sunday evening I decided to change everything. Well, I decided to ask for help. (This is most likely going to be one of those posts where I talk about how amazing and awesome my husband is, so you might want to grab your barf bag for this one.)

First, I want to say that my desire to lose weight and feel good about my body and make healthier choices has always been mine. The pressure that I'm under to do that is mostly of my own making, but I won't say that living in The Land of Tiny Women doesn't have some kind of effect on my self-image. Kenny met me when I was at my largest, fell in love with me when I was at my biggest, and asked me to marry him before I lost an ounce of weight for our wedding. He constantly affirms my outer and inner beauty. He is, I am convinced, the most encouraging and loving man on the planet. He has stood by and watched plan after plan fail. He also sits next to me and keeps his mouth closed while I sometimes make destructive eating choices. He used to try to voice a warning, but got tired of getting the stink eye everytime he opened his mouth about my donut addiction. Anyway, he's been there. He's watched me fail. And I think he is just as tired of it as I am.

So Sunday night, he told me he was willing to sign on as my personal trainer and personal chef. He made me get up out of the bed and leave the house before 8, going for a walk or jumping rope for a few minutes. He made me eat breakfast and take vitamins. He made me run in the evenings after work. He cooked me healthy, scrumptious lunches everyday,and also packed healthy dinners for me. He forgave me when I slipped and scrounged up all the money in the bottom of my purse and my desk drawer and bought an iced caramel macchiato. He was so patient with me as I whined and cried and begged to be let off the hook. I'm so glad he made me stick with it.

And this morning, he celebrated with me when the scale was 2 kilos lower! I couldn't believe it. I'm at 68 kilos after a week of hard work. And I'm ready to pull off another strong week. I could NOT do this without Kenny. It's incredible how much easier it is when I have his support and his tough love. It's incredible how hard he's willing to work for what I want. He's given up eating out, spending our mornings in coffee shops (we've traded everyday for just Sunday afternoons), and sacrificed a lot of his free time to fix his meals and run next to me to help me keep a good pace. I'm pretty sure I've got the market covered on Best. Husband. EV-VUR.

Last week was really rough for me. I did a lot of crying, a lot of whining, and I ate a heck of a lot of tofu. But this week I'm starting off with a belly full of motivation after seeing that number on the scale. In fact, I've got to go run. Because It's exactly 32 days before I land in the States. And I want to do some serious shopping when I get there! And I can promise you, I'm buying something sexy for the HubbO. He totally deserves, well, pretty much whatever he wants.

So that's me. How you doin'?

Grace in Small Things: An Invitation and Freebies!

2010-10-13T18:15:00.000+09:00

The fabulous Nora, of Walking with Nora, has begun a beautiful little series in which she reminds herself of all the small blessings she has in her life and examines the tiny cracks and corners where she finds grace unexpectedly. A few other amazing gals have started to take part, like Habbala and Ashley as Aurora. After reading a few weeks of posts on these small things it's important to take note of "because life is short and love is large," I was inspired to whip up some banners to send to Nora. And now, I'd like to offer them to you along with an invitation to participate. The banner is below, along with a button for your sidebar! And after you grab a banner and a button, feel free to read my first Grace in Small Things list.

*I'm rejoicing in an unexpected visit from a good friend and a new friend that resulted in a night and an early afternoon of conversation and good food.

*I'm finally getting used to my work schedule and getting into a comfortable groove that doesn't make me hate my life (at least not all the time).

*Crafty, crafty, crafty things have been happening at our house, and it's small and miniscule, but so thrilling.

*Kind comments from incredibly amazing blog friends.

*It's Wednesday! Almost halfway done with this week.

*Being so proud of some of my students giving presentations. I have some pretty sweet kids.

*Laughing really hard with my favorite coworker.

*Daydreaming of my Christmas visit to the States.

*Impulse buying my very first Etsy purchase from one of my favorite bloggers here.

And that's it folks! I hope you enjoy the banner and the blog button. Let me know if you like it!

P.S. I know I skipped my Don't Be the Fat Sister update this week, and for good reason. There's a full post on that coming soon.

Chuseok: To Grandmother's House We Go

2010-10-12T10:24:00.000+09:00

During Chuseok, which feels like ages ago now, we took a trip to Kenny's grandmother's house. It's his mother's mother, whom I had never met before. She lives in an ancient house with an outdoor toilet and a wild garden out front, where we found huge pumpkins and the tiniest watermelon I've ever seen. We also visited one of Kenny's uncles. He owns an apple orchard out in apple country. It was a beautiful few days. Here are the belated pictures!

Kenny's maternal grandmother. We asked her how old she was. She said, "I'm in eighth grade, second semester." She's 82, lives by herself, and still cooks massive amounts of food for holidays.

I wasn't joking when I called Cheong Song apple country. Seriously, check the bus stop!

And everyone wonders why Adam ate the apple.

My favorite picture of the weekend. Is it wrong that my favorite picture is of me?

"Shoot an apple off my head."


This is Jusanji, a lake where the trees grow out of the water. This is actually extremely rare. Usually, when trees grow in water like this, they die. But these are alive. It's not that spectacular in this photo, perhaps, but it's pretty cool in person!

So, it's a little late, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't leave me lots of comments anyway. Am I right?

What the Crap Wednesday: The Mosquito Edition

2010-10-06T10:32:00.001+09:00

I may have failed to mention here that our school is currently experiencing a serious mosquito infestation. The teacher's room seems to have become a small mosquito airport with the tiny buzzing bloodsuckers taking off all over the room and whizzing through flight patterns that drive us all mad. One of our coworkers has taken to having what seems at first to be seizures, but turns out to simply be an alarming outburst at being swarmed by mosquitoes. She attempts to kill them with folders, with books, with whatever happens to be closest at hand. She just whacks things in a windmill fashion whenever she sees one. And honestly, she probably kills a number of them with each smack of her computer monitor, desk, wall, chair, and neighboring coworker.

No amount of repellent seems to have any effect on them. The school has had an extermination company come twice, but we sure couldn't tell. One day I decided I had had enough and made it a point to kill every mosquito I could see. I slapped, clapped, whacked, flailed, jumped while slapping, stood on chairs while clapping, and took the life from every one I could. My total at the end of the day was 104. Seriously. They're everywhere.

And by everywhere, I mean mostly in the bathroom. The other day I walked into the middle stall and happened to notice a mosquito sitting inside the toilet bowl just above the water line. I stopped and weighed the responsibility of a wasted flush or a mosquito bite on my butt or elsewhere that might be inconvenient to claw at in public. I flushed. And good thing, too, because when I flushed three other mosquitoes exited the toilet bowl. I clapped two of them dead, and smothered one into my blue jeans on my left thigh. I couldn't see that fourth bugger, so I sat down to, well, think about some things. And then I was not thinking about anything except pulling up my pants when I looked down and hovering right between my thighs was that offensive, forward, and downright perverted bug, his flight path aimed directly for, well, not. my. knees.

So I freaked out, as one is wont to do when an insect that bites, draws blood, and leaves an itchy, swollen trademark behind is zoning in on your hoo! ha! I swatted, I snapped my legs together, stood up, and tried to pull my pants up all at the same time. Have you ever tried to pull your pants up while your thighs are making out? Yeah. Awkward. And now I fully understand what stalls are really for. After I succeeded in wearing my clothes properly, I was overcome with worry that I hadn't gotten rid of the mosquito, but had inadvertently closed him into my pants, where he would be free to do his damage anyway. What to do? Do I pull my pants back down to get it out if it was indeed in there? Or doing that would I simply make myself vulnerable to another attack? I finally decided that I would do the most practical thing. I would kill it, whether it was there or not. And so I began slapping myself. Where? Well, wherever he could be. In other words, I pretty much spanked myself from my butt all the way down to my ankles, front and back.

Do I even need to say it?

WHAT THE CRAP? And here's an even bigger What The Crap, because these mosquitoes have pushed me over the edge. They have me... wishing for winter. I know. Seeing as how I loathe winter with all my being because one of my least favorite things is being cold, I'm pretty desperate. Sometimes, when a mosquito flies in front of me in class, I feel some ninja assassin part of my brain take over, and I quit whatever it is I'm doing and chase the thing down until it has been destroyed. It's entertaining for the kids, anyway. But seriously. What the crap, mosquitoes? Stop already.

A is for...

2010-10-05T12:09:00.001+09:00

I'm a little late joining up, but when I saw the alphabet project over at Ashley's and then caught Kyla's take on it, I couldn't stop thinking about it. So, I finally decided to get busy. I might not finish my 26 letters in 26 weeks, but I'm sure my camera will love the extra love. Join in on the fun, if you want! There's even an alphabet project flickr group, where you can see everyone's photos in one spot. Without further babbling, here I go.

A is for apples in the air.

Don't Be Fat Update

2010-10-04T11:00:00.000+09:00

I'll try to update you on my ChubbO Chubbington status on Mondays, because that's the day I step on the scale! When I weighed in last week it was a bummer at 70 kilos (154 pounds). This morning I weigh a whopping 70kgs. As we say in Korea, "Same, same."

Whatever I weigh today, I'm proud of myself for last week. I cooked every meal every day for 5 days, except for Monday's lunch. Logistically, we can't be at home for lunch on Mondays and practically, we don't have enough lunch boxes to pack both our lunches and dinners! But besides that scheduling fluke each week, I plan to continue cooking and packing dinners for school. One, it saves us a ton of money. Two, I always eat healthier if I'm cooking and it's easier to control the portion size.

I didn't snack at all until Friday night when I didn't pack enough dinner and I had a yogurt from the corner store. But I didn't beat myself up about it. It was what it was.

I also cut out my daily coffee indulgence. I still have it on Tuesdays while I grade my student's weekly book reports in my little coffee shop next door to the school. And I'll sometimes have one on Thursdays while I'm lesson planning and writing tests. But those are my weekly allowances.

I didn't do that great on the exercise front, but I think it's because I'm still getting the hang of the cooking thing. It takes me most of the morning to fix lunch and dinner and pack dinners. The longer I do it, the more efficient I'll get. I took a walk on Tuesday morning, took a few short walks on my breaks at work, and Saturday went on an 8 hour hike. Obviously, I can't move any part of my body without feeling the repercussions of Chiak Mountain. I really wasn't in shape for such a serious hike, but I'm glad I did it because I totally deserved my dinner that day!

This week, my goals are to continue cooking meals at home and to be a little more active. Oh, and to fit into my skinny jeans by December 19th!

How are YOU doing?

Dear Mumsie

2010-10-03T12:08:00.001+09:00

Dear Mumsie,

The other night after a long, grueling hike up a mountain that didn't forgive me for trying to climb it, Kenny and I went to a sauna. You know, the ones I've told you about where all the girls are naked and bathing together in one huge room with lots of showers, hot tubs, and steam rooms. I thought it might be good for my body if I had a nice relaxing soak in the really hot tub followed by a painfully cold dip in the really icy tub. And so I did this a few times, going back and forth from being hot to teeth chattering. I felt my muscles relaxing and I hoped that it would make me less sore the next day. (Lies, all lies. I'm so very sore. Typing hurts, Mom.)

While I was soaking, freezing, soaking, freezing, and soaking again, my eyes were open. So, I saw a few things. I saw women who walked right out of magazines, airbrushed and all. I saw women who wore the tell-tale signs of motherhood, their breasts humbled by the weight of their baby's hunger, their stomachs remembering the once-upon-a-nine-months time they were a home. I saw women who were shaped like time and age, with scars on their knees and bends in their backs. I saw women who were not women yet, turning circles in the mirror to see what they were becoming.

While I was soaking, freezing, soaking, freezing, and soaking again, my eyes were open. So, I saw a few things. I saw mothers and daughters. I saw a young mother washing her hair while her baby girl splashed in a bowl of water she just learned how to stand up and reach. I saw a teenage girl and her mother sitting face to face in the hot tub, knees to chin, telling each other everything about their days, hands in and out of water. I saw a mother scrubbing every inch of her 4 year old daughter's pearl of a body. I saw these women and these girls.

While I was soaking, freezing, soaking, freezing, and soaking again, my eyes were open. And then they were closed. Because I didn't want to cry there. I missed you so much, Mommy. I wished so badly that you were there with me, laughing and telling me the details of your day in the hot tub. I wished that I could scrub your back where it's hard to reach, like these women were doing for each other. I wished that you could wash my hair with my head turned upside down, like you used to in the kitchen sink when I was too lazy to take a full shower.

But I missed someone else, too. Someone who isn't even here yet. Someone I'm not yet brave enough to dream about. Is it possible to miss your own daughter before you even have one? And I know why I miss her already. I know why I want to rock her and read her bedtime stories and scrub her little pearl of a body. It's because I want what we have. I want to be a mother just like you. One that listens to me when I'm crazy-talking out the side of my head. One that knows how to calm me down no matter how worked up I am. One that brings me saltine crackers and sweet tea when my stomach hurts or just when I yell your name enough times from the other end of the house to earn it. I want to be a mother like you, who gives me the confidence and courage that comes with being loved unconditionally.

Because I love being your daughter, I know I will love being a mother.

And I don't know when that is going to be. But sometimes, I'm so excited about it. I've got names picked out (don't worry, an English one you can pronounce and a Korean one Kenny's parents can pronounce!), and ideals and hopes in place. And even though I don't know anything about being a mother yet, I know I'll be a good one, because I had and have a good one.

I miss you, Mom. Why don't you come to Korea so we can hang out naked in a hot tub? And maybe you can get a Korean ajumma to scrub the top layer of your skin off. It hurts a little bit, but afterward it feels sooooo nice! If I can handle it, you can handle it. You know I'm a negative on the pain tolerance scale anyway.

I love you. I miss you. (And some days, I really want a baby.)
Your heartbeat,
Danielle

It Smells like Winter

2010-10-01T10:01:00.002+09:00

But it feels like Fall. And thank God, too. Because that summer without air conditioning? No. Never again.

{we heart it}

I love Fall in Korea. It's a beautiful season and last year we didn't get one. I missed Spring because we were off gallivanting around the world on our honeymoon. Then, when we returned in August it was insufferably hot, insufferably hot, insufferably hot, and BAM! Winter. No Fall. So this year, I am making excuses to walk places I don't have to walk just to be outside in it.

The sky is this satisfying shade of blue. The air is crisp and full of possibility. Every other breath is a good idea or inspiring thought. I know that this season is the time that so many things get ready to die, but I feel like this is my season to get ready to live.

I'm ready to curl up on the couch with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate with tiny pearls of marshmallows floating on top. I'm ready to wear hoodies and weird hats that don't suit me but keep my ears warm. I'm ready to hike in weather that makes me love the Earth instead of making me hate everything. I'm ready to lie underneath my covers, warm and content, while the air is cool in my nose, in my chest, on my face.

Yeah, I'm kind of in love with Fall. And I figure if I become absolutely enamored with Fall, I can forgive it for being an entirely misleading introduction to Winter.

It's Called Avoiding the Mess in the Kitchen

2010-09-30T23:48:00.000+09:00

I have an entire kitchen to clean because I didn't get that done before we left for work today. And when I came home, I looked at that mess in there, and I turned right around and walked back out. I picked up my latest indulgence, Kurt Vonnegut's The Sirens of Titan, plopped myself down in the middle of the couch, and finished it.

Then, I looked at the dishes piled beside the sink, managed a glance at the winking food dryer telling me it needs to be emptied, remembered the salad I bought that should be washed and prepared tonight to make tomorrow easier, and I turned right around and sat down in front of my computer.

Perhaps I should allow the dirty dishes to motivate me to blog more often.

Anyway, I'm taking this procrastination moment brought to you by my messy kitchen to tell you about my reading lately. I mean to do this every so often, because I'm almost always reading something good. This month I finally discovered the perfect irreverence and winding narrative of Salman Rushdie in Midnight's Children. I loved the way the story spiraled around itself and you knew you were on a staircase, but sometimes couldn't figure out whether you were going up or down. It's long, but worth every sentence.

This past Sunday, Kenny ran his first half-marathon, and like the supportive, wonderful wife I am, I went and sat in the car for most of it and read. I ended up finishing Dave Egger's The Wild Things later that evening after dinner. The Wild Things is a novel that sprung from the screenplay he wrote with Spike Jonze for Where the Wild Things Are. The screenplay, of course, was based on the brilliant children's book by Maurice Sendak. It's an imaginative, beautiful, heart-rending romp through childhood in the head of Max, an 8-year-old boy in his wolf suit. It's good. Read it.

And for the past few days, I'd been working my way through Titans. I love Kurt Vonnegut, without reservation. I love his black humor, satire, and wit. I enjoy sinking all the way into his outrageous worlds and the lives of his characters. My favorite Vonnegut of all I've read is Bluebeard followed closely by Breakfast of Champions. Everything is good, but those are particularly and perfectly weird.

And with The Sirens of Titan I've exhausted my collection of fiction at home, so I'll probably make a foray back into the depths of Young Adult literature we have at the library at school. Whenever I take my classes into the library each week to pick out their books, looking at the covers of all the books I read and folded into myself while I was in elementary and middle school makes me nostalgic, but in a beautiful opposite-of-sad way. Because I can reread them and relive and refold the stories back into myself in a different way, seeing new things, noticing new things. Sometimes I think good books are like good donuts. I've already tasted this kind, but that doesn't stop me from ordering them again and again.

Here, have a donut hole, courtesy of Vonnegut:

"It took us that long to realize that a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved."

~Malachi Constant / Unk / The Space Wanderer, Sirens of Titan

How do you avoid the mess in your kitchen? And what are you reading? Do tell.

"I promise this, promise this, check this hand 'cause I'm marvelous"

2010-09-28T22:56:00.000+09:00

Yup. I just titled this post with Lady Gaga lyrics. What.

Last week was a whirlwind of a vacation. I believe I didn't sleep past 7:00 or 8:00 once. It's like a new vacation record for sleep. Anyway, I'm going to tell you all about it - in three separate, fabulous photo-filled posts. But first, I have to edit all the video I took while I was in Seoul answering your questions from the last post. I actually didn't get to film the video until Saturday, so of course I'm way behind on the Wednesday deadline. And tomorrow there's another topic up for discussion. However, I think I'm going to bow out of this weeks vlogging, considering I don't even have last week's up on the computer and edited yet.

Honestly, I love editing, writing, designing fun banners and graphics. But I'm in one of those weird places where I'm off balance and I can't seem to find it no matter how I juggle my time. Sometimes the Internet becomes my top priority. And why not? It keeps me in touch with my family, it entertains me, and it introduces me to fabulous people like you, or all the people I met while vlogging. But sometimes, cooking all three meals for me and Kenny everyday becomes my priority. And that takes up most of my time and effort since I'm a horrible cook and a terrible meal planner. Or sometimes, having a not-disgusting almost-clean house becomes more important. Other times, it will be sending handmade letters and cards to my sister and my friends. This week, it's the cooking and the cleaning. Just looking at my computer begins to stress me out. I have so many ideas and things to say and things to share that it just overwhelms me.

So, this little post to say, "Hello." I'm trying to catch my balance. I hope to be back here and on YouTube very soon. I've got some really great things lined up that I'm excited about writing and talking about. But first, I've got to get the dishes cleaned, give my husband some well-deserved attention, get rid of this pounding headache, and get some photos and video edited. I don't know when that's going to happen, but it WILL happen.

I've got so many plans, and so little time to execute them. I've got things to do and hopefully sometime this week I'll have a few more posts up and my first We Blog We Vlog video up.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the Internet?

Raise Your Hand

2010-09-20T19:51:00.000+09:00

The lovely VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August) people are at it again. Only this time, we're not vlogging every day. We're vlogging once a week. And this week's topic is questions! So get busy in the comments and ask me any questions you want and you might see them answered in my video. And in case you didn't dedicate last month to watching all 31 of my August vlogs, hop on over to my YouTube channel, subscribe, and catch up!

Huge Announcement

2010-09-19T01:52:00.002+09:00

It is Sunday, September 19th. In exactly 3 months I will be landing in Nashville to visit my family and friends for two whole weeks. I have already drawn up a calendar and I am jumping up and down ready to fill it in with the names of family and friends and the places we'll meet. And yes, I'm already looking forward to Christmas! (It's never too early, you Grinches!)

However, I'm fatter than I'd like to be. I'm not as fat as I have been, but I'm not taking care of myself, either. If you'll remember, way back in 2008, I had plans to attend my sister's wedding in November. I initiated the Don't Be the Fat Sister Workout Plan and it worked. I lost weight for her wedding and felt great about myself in the dress I wore. Of course, I was still much fatter than my sister. It's impossible not to be with her trying so hard just to weigh 100 pounds. My goal isn't not to be fatter. It's just to not be the fat one.

So, without further delay or hesitation, I am reinstating The Plan. I'm going to update here once a week on my progress. For example, I'll weigh every weekend, I'll post my workouts, and I'll try not to drink too much iced coffee or eat donuts. My goal weight is, again, 140 pounds. I've plenty of work to do, so I'm going to get busy! If anyone else wants to join me in my 3 month battle against the bulge, let me know! It would be great to have some accountability and encouragement! Come on, we should at least slim down before we eat all that yummy Christmas food!

And to my family and friends: I'll see you in 3 months time. And I'm gonna look gooood!

Oh, and P.S. If you're reading in Google Reader, click over to Wonju Wife to see the new design! I'm not totally happy with it yet, but it's getting there. Let me know what you think, lovelies!

puglypixel

New Rules

2010-09-15T00:54:00.000+09:00

I make stupid rules up all the time in my head. As if there aren't enough rules already.

Tonight, at a seriously safe intersection where you can see cars in both directions for a good distance, Kenny wanted to jay walk. He was anxious to start his run and the track was across the street. But would I do it? Nope. Gotta follow those rules. Because with my luck, we'd get stopped by one of those traffic cops with their little white hats and their tight pants and their electronic ticketing thingies. And that's why I follow the rules. I follow the rules because it works for me. I see the logic behind rules; I understand they're usually there to keep me or other safe; I feel all squirmy inside when I break the rules.

Then why am I making stupid ones for myself?

I'm stopping this madness right here. For example, I have this stupid little rule in my head that every post on this blog must be either a) profound, b) extremely well-written, c) funny or d) have an amazing photo attached. While all of these are excellent reasons to share something, they're not the only reasons. Maybe I have a crap day and I need to talk about it. Maybe I have something to say, but it's not profound, well-written, or even funny. So, I'm posting WHAT I feel like it WHEN I feel like it. Yep, that's the new rule around these parts.

Also, this is like the least sexy September in the history of Septembers. I'm fat. I'm lazy. I'm cheating on my life with the TV. Tonight I went for a walk that turned into a run that turned into a sprint-as-fast-as-you-can-from-here-to-there-just-be-faster-than-your-self-loathing kind of thing. It's the first time I've gone out for some exercise in a while. New rule: Stop making excuses. (There's no need to point out the 500 other posts in which I tell myself to stop making excuses. I'm very aware that they exist, thankyouverymuch. Apparently I need to continually remind myself of this rule.)

New rule: Give more. I've been getting wonderful, kind comments and during the vlogging season of August, I was giving as good as I was getting. But now? I'm crap at commenting on... well, anything! Twitter, blogs, vlogs, dailybooth. You name it; I suck at commenting. I would love to be the awesome girl who sends everyone handwritten letters every month, or the woman who is so thoughtful and remembers people's birthdays with presents and care packages. And who is to say that I can't be that girl? But right now? Until I get my stuff together, I can comment away. (File this under: stop making excuses.)

And the last rule: NO MORE RULES! Who needs so many rules anyway? Especially self-imposed rules. I'd love to just start living a more disciplined, scheduled life and not have to make rules. I'd rather just DO what I want to do. Eh, we'll see.

What are some rules you make for yourself? Are they silly? Or do they really help order your life and make you a better version of yourself? Because my rules are pretty crap.

Puppy Love

2010-09-05T01:05:00.000+09:00

Enter Shanti.
This is not our puppy. Some of Kenny's friends who own a cafe here, the same ones who let us use part of their field for our garden (weeds, you win), got this adorable Jindo/Great Pyrenees mix a few weeks ago. We went to see if there was any hope for our little garden row of vegetables, and next to the weeds that have overtaken our tomatoes, peppers, and cucumbers, was this little guy. The day we were there, his owners were on a two-week vacation and the person they had asked to take care of him had not done a very good job. He was clearly starving for attention and a better place to go to the bathroom. Anyway, when the owners came back, we went to see them and Shanti again and they invited us to take him for walks or trips whenever we like. So we made a special plan this Saturday to do just that. Isn't he precious?

He's three months old now, and he's going to be huge. Kenny and I both love big dogs, but we can't have one with the apartment we have now. Plus, we both work and I just wouldn't be comfortable getting a puppy and leaving it alone all day. Shanti is a perfect sweetheart, eager to run, eager to play, and just so eager to be loved.

He hasn't had any obedience training yet, so Kenny decided to give him a little practice.

He also loves running! He's really good about staying close to us when we let go of the lead. We actually took it off right after this picture! So, don't think he had to run around trailing that thing all day!

He has the sweetest face, doesn't he?

You should take a break to applaud here because I have about 40 other pictures of this dog that I restrained myself from posting. Consider this serious discipline, y'all!

Poor guy. He got so hot and worked up in the heat that he didn't want to walk back to his house! I carried him part way, mostly just because I love the guy, but also to give his little legs a break. We were out for about an hour and a half, and even though he had plenty of water, shade, snacks, and a romp in a cool stream, he was exhausted. I think it's probably the longest he's ever been disconnected from his little doggy house. We're going to go back plenty of times to visit. So, watch out for more puppy love in the future! (And a vlog about Shanti coming soon! You can subscribe to my channel here. )

Touchy Feely

2010-08-29T20:52:00.000+09:00

Kenny is currently reading The Brothers Karamazov on my iPhone. He feels that once he has succeeded in reading Dostoevsky's tome in English, he will have reached some pinnacle of language learning and will then be magically filled with inspiration. I guess then, he's going to write something. In English? Not sure. But the thing is, it bothers me.

It bothers me that he is reading this novel on an iPhone.

I love my iPhone. It's like a permanent extension of my right hand. I'm absolutely enamored with this piece of technology that puts the Internet in my pocket 24/7. And with Korea's super-duper technology obsession, there's pretty much free wi-fi in the street. I read blogs on my iPhone; I read Tweets on my iPhone (isn't that what it was made for, anyway?); I read emails on my iPhone. But I do not read books. Nope.

I don't count it as reading. There should be a cover. There should be the turning of pages. There should be scribbling in margins, underlining sentences, bracketing paragraphs, and marking entire chapters. I also have a habit of moving the book around constantly as I'm reading it. It's a strange habit and I didn't know I did it until my best friend Kerri asked me why I was doing that to the book. I hold it in both hands and bend the pages away from each other, then let them fall back together. I don't break the binding, but I just read with this slow widening of the book, this back and forth motion with my hands. I often rub my right thumb over the pages I have left to read, perhaps measuring how much further our relationship will progress.

I love the snot out of my books. There's something about the weight of the page, the set of the type, the width of the binding that marries the story itself in my hands. I could possibly be blindfolded and handed any number of books from my collection and tell you without looking which book it was. I'm kind of touchy feely with my books. I also have an initial press that I clamp around the cover of most of my books when I get them. So, sometimes, while I'm subtly rocking my book, I'm running my fingers over the small ridges of the lowercase cursive d and my maiden-name b.

Maybe I'm a little neurotic about the act of reading itself. I'm okay with this. I'm never going to be a Kindle person, or any kind of electronic reading device person. I am well aware it is more portable, more affordable, more convenient. But it does not sit right with my insides. Something feels fake, forced, and disconnected. When I read a story, somehow it becomes a part of me and shifts things around in my guts, my heart. Maybe sometimes the shift is imperceptible. But it's there. And I feel it with a book in my hands, pages between my fingers, without buzzing or beeping.

So last night, after almost 4 hours of watching Kenny read The Brothers Karamazov in a coffee shop, I came home and pulled out the book itself. It felt so good. As I opened it and flipped through it, I remembered not so much the story in the book, but the way I had felt while reading it. The texture of the pages, the weight of it in my hands woke something up inside me. I said, "How can you not want to hold this?" I believe in good writing. And I believe that there is crap out there in beautiful binding. But when good writing and satisfying binding come together, it takes reading to another level altogether for me.

For those of you reading on a screen, the story remains the same. The words are in the same order, sometimes even on the same number of pages. But I still think there's something missing!

What about you? Are you a tactile reader or a technological reader?

I Take It All Back

2010-08-24T00:44:00.000+09:00

Remember how I was all proud of myself for dealing well with changes to my work schedule?

(source: weheartit)

Well, that was stupid. And apparently all lies.

Today was one of those days at work that makes me wonder how I will last 6 more months. I hate these kinds of days. They put a big fat rain cloud over the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's stupid, but I get really depressed thinking about how I have to go to work and teach until February. And that's not really the most depressing part. The worst part is that it's MY fault that this is my job. I haven't figured out anything else to do, or haven't had the guts to try anything different. I got this job so that we could come back to Korea and have a free house for another year. I knew I was done with teaching, but I made this decision anyway. So, really, I am completely responsible for my own unhappiness. That's never a fun realization to have your coffee with.

I am also sick. My throat started getting scratchy this weekend and last night, despite a sleeping pill and an overzealous dose of cough syrup, I could not sleep for the coughing and tickling in my throat. I even sprayed a bunch of throat spray to try to numb it, but to no avail. So, I'm sleep deprived, sick, and miserable at work. And yes, I'm letting it ruin my day.

However, I am still proud of myself. Want to know why? Because even though I'm sleep deprived, sick, and miserable at work, I was still productive. Normally, I let a bad mood kill any plans I have, even simple ones. Not today. I came home from work, took a shower to relax and have a good cry, put away all the laundry hanging on the racks, washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, boiled myself some honey tea for my throat, sat down here and recorded a crappy one minute vlog, and then proceeded to write this.

So, despite the fact that I'm no longer proud of myself for dealing well with change (this new Monday/Friday schedule is killer), I'm proud of myself for not completely shutting down just because I had an awful, no good, terribly bad day. My attitude might suck, but gosh darn it, I'm going to get things done!

Catching My Balance

2010-08-21T02:18:00.000+09:00

(On Phewa Lake in Pokhara / photo by The HubbO)

Lots of things are changing for me. I feel funny about it, though. I think I may be getting more used to change, or handling it better anyway. Perhaps this was due to happen because of the way I live. I don't live in a permanent residence; I don't have a long-term job (I sign contracts for a year at a time, or sometimes 6 months); I don't know where I'm going to be a year from now.

I feel like I live in a boat. I know I'm in a boat, and I know what kind of boat I'm in, but I have no idea where the boat is going or where my final destination is. And right now, that's okay. I like this boat. There's a hot Korean man in this boat with me! But it has taken me a long while to get used to the roll of the waves under my feet, the undulating and shifting. I feel like I might finally be catching my balance.

Today was Saralyn's last day at work. She's leaving Korea on Sunday. Another of my coworkers left today as well, and with his departure, I am now the longest-standing employee there. I have been there longer than the new director we got last month. I have been there longer than the elementary school principal we got in February. I have been there longer than all the employees who arrived in January, February, and now the two new ones who have arrived in August. It is strange. Staying put and watching everyone pass through. It's like this school has become a long hallway. I keep walking down the hallway, but everyone else takes the emergency exit. That's not intended to be any kind of commentary on the school itself. I'm fine there. But I'm not used to these revolving-door relationships. People come into your life for only months at a time. And yes, they usually make a graceful exit, but it's an exit all the same.

My schedule at work is also changing. I'm losing some of my girls that I've taught English to for a year now. Everyone knows I don't love teaching, and I surely don't love kids. But I do love my students. I'll be seeing them in the hallways, but I won't be their teacher anymore. I'm also losing some of my breaks, although not all of them. Mondays and Fridays will be full, busy days. I'll most likely have to work a lot harder the first few weeks of this next semester. Perhaps I'll enjoy feeling like I've earned my weekends.

Of course, I'm still complaining about all these changes. But I find that deep down, I'm becoming okay. I want to become a more flexible person. And I'm finding that if I keep my mouth shut a little longer, process change inside myself first, then I begin to accept it much better. It's not so tough. I want to stop being afraid of small changes. I want to become a person who can accept big changes with grace, allowing them to shape me into a richer, more authentic person.

I don't want to become callous. I also don't want to become so flexible that I lose my direction altogether. I do want to let life surprise me. I do want to live an inspired existence. And inspiration doesn't follow agendas or ask to be pencilled in.

I'm a little bit proud of myself for keeping my balance in the boat this month as the waters are stirring and unsteady underneath me. And that's a little change, too.

Inside My Head

2010-08-18T23:18:00.000+09:00

What we think about ourselves is dangerous territory. And talking about what we think about ourselves with others is like sticking dynamite in your mouth and hoping it doesn't go off. I find when we begin to have a genuine conversation, an authentic dialogue about who we really believe ourselves to be, we discover that we're not so alone in our neuroses.

But it takes a certain kind of person to get to that place. Usually, if you try to talk about what you think about yourself, you will be bombarded with comments like, "How could you think that?" or "Don't be so negative." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "No, you're not ___________!" (Fill in the blank with whatever your current body/self-related obsession happens to be). And I find discussions like this to be stupid and somewhat pointless. When I tell you what I think about myself in my head, I don't need you to tell me that I'm wrong to think that. If I'm telling you about it, I probably already know it's way off course. And that's the thing about self-image. How can we ever be certain about what others think of us? And honestly, they're probably too busy going over their own list of flaws in their head to care too much about yours.

But VEDA? VEDAers, as I've taken to calling the participants, are not like this. They are listeners. They are willing to open up authentic dialogues. They are willing to hear the most horrible things you have to say about yourself and respond with sympathy, not trite platitudes about how you should love yourself. Because we all know we should love ourselves. Sometimes, what we really need to hear is, "Yeah. Me too."

I was really blown away by the response to my own VEDA video, and definitely moved by many others' honest and vulnerable videos. I thought I would share some of that here. I also want to send you over to read this post from Kerri, who is sadly not participating in VEDA, but has ended up writing a beautiful and inspiring post on body image at the same time!

These are the stories we're telling ourselves about who we are. These are the dialogues we're running in our heads. These are the words informing our esteem, determining our worth. They are not perfect, but they are honest. And they are real.

Another Year Over

2010-08-15T08:00:00.022+09:00

(photo)

A year ago today, on August 15th, Kenny and I landed in Incheon airport and began the long process of settling down. A few weeks later, we were moved into this apartment in Wonju. This little place has become a precious home. It's the first place we've lived together, considering the first 6 months of our honeymoon were spent alternating between mountain shacks, jungle huts, sweltering hostels, 5-star hotels, and one of the guest rooms in my parents' house. We have snuggled down into a routine here. We know the back roads; we know where to get good coffee; we know where to find smiling, kind faces.

And most of all, Wonju has been comfortable. This year of our lives has been so domestic, so tranquil, and perfectly lovely. So, obviously, the things to do now is shake things up. So, in February, when my contract with my current employer is up, we're packing up all our stuff, storing it at the parents-in-law's place, and heading out for our next big adventure.

On February 21, 2011, we will celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary. One week later, I will work my last day at Yonsei ELP. And one week after that will find us with backpacks strapped on headed for our second honeymoon. We are hiking El Camino de Santiago. Yup. That's what's next on the big trip agenda. We'll start from the south of France at St. Jean-Pied-de-Port and make our way through Spain to Santiago de Compostela. It's the most traditional route, and also the most well-known. We're looking to make our journey in 35 days, but we all know how slow I am. Unlike our Annapurna trek, I won't be able to have a wonderful porter carry my bag. I'll be doing it myself.

Yes, I am scared. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I am so ready to challenge myself. We may begin our traveling by hitting a few spots in Europe first (Prague, I'm looking at you) and finishing up with a week or two in Barcelona.

And after that? Your guess is as good as mine! NOW is the time to start your life over every other year. NOW is the time to travel to places and do things that once we're tied to a house payment, or children, we won't be able to do. NOW is the time to risk spending most of our money (besides our savings) on seeing the world, doing something magnificent and difficult and of worth, and come back to nothing. NOW is the time to start over as many times as we feel like it. NOW is the time to not know what to do with my life or where it's going. NOW is the time to celebrate our marriage and rejoice in the fact that without each other, neither of us would be going on these adventures. NOW is the time to refine ourselves through sweat and heavy luggage, and hard-earned sleep.

So, I have 6 months to read, plan, read, hike, read, get stronger, read, plan, and leave. Woot.

(photo by cornyvall)

P.S. I'd like to say for the record that we still have not purchased toilet paper. ONE YEAR and we have not had to buy toilet paper or laundry detergent. And this isn't the end. It's not like we're about to run out. We still have tons of it stacked in the storage closet and on the veranda behind a screen. I remember thinking it was so silly to give toilet paper as a gift. Now, I completely understand. And you know, it's just a funny housewarming gift. Talk about community! What a beautiful year of our lives has just been lived.

For Your Entertainment

2010-08-14T12:12:00.000+09:00

So, maybe you guys have heard of the Apple girl. If you haven't, here she is.

Yeah, she's pretty cool with all her little iPhones lined up. And here's the funniest thing I've seen in a while.

The funniest thing is that he's just saying numbers and pushing them over and over. I love it when he says, "I'm Korean," just like she usually says, "I'm Apple girl."

Your Saturday laugh has been delivered courtesy of my husband, who apparently has nothing better to do than to watch parody videos on the Internet.

If I don't do this now, it might not ever happen

2010-08-12T23:59:00.000+09:00

I'm writing. Right now. I don't care if it is crap and I don't care if I don't have anything to say. I'm doing it. I haven't been doing much consistently these days, unless you count overeating and oversleeping. Or undersleeping. My issue is bedtime. I can't sleep. I've gotten on this funky schedule where my body won't calm down until around 3 or 4 am. I'm reading on the couch until then. When it's time to get up in the morning, I just use the excuse that I didn't sleep until a few hours ago. So I sleep until 11. Or noon. It's gross.

But tomorrow I must get up and get ready and be at the City Hall before 10 a.m. in order to get my visa renewed. I hope it will be a painless process. But then, I get to go to the post office downtown to pick up the package that my mom sent me that includes all my Billy Collins poetry collections and some more Mary Oliver. That will nourish my soul for a few days! Good poetry is always a good reason to get out of bed. (Please call me and tell me this tomorrow at 8.) I've also scheduled a sweet tea making on the agenda because Saturday Kenny and I are planning to head to Gangneung once more, devour Kraze Burger burgers, and hang out at the beach. And really, what's a day at the beach without sweet tea?

Running? I was doing well. Until I hit week 5 and I had an amazing day 1 run. Then, I found all sorts of excuses and this is my third week not running. So this weekend, I should start over.

Vlogging? Yes. It's the only thing I'm doing consistently and I'm holding onto it for dear life because it's the only thing I've accomplished in so long. I said I would vlog every day in August, and I know it's only been 12 days, but I've done it. Every. Single. Day. Almost halfway through.

I get paid tomorrow. Yesssssss.

This post is stupid and it doesn't mean anything. But I. Don't. Care. It's something I wrote. It's a start. I'm going to stop letting lethargy and laziness run my life. It's my life. I'm in charge here. So if I say write, then I'm gonna write.

I have written.

Why I Suck

2010-08-04T02:08:00.001+09:00

I'm not sleeping these days. Maybe it's because Kenny's away for four nights, and although I was looking forward to sleeping at an angle in the bed, I can't sleep without him. Maybe it's because it's too hot without air conditioning these days, even though the rain is cooling things down quite a bit. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy person who can't fall asleep very fast. Ugh. I don't know what it is, but being awake until 4 every morning totally sucks. Lucky for me, I do get to sleep really long in the mornings, since I don't have to be to work until 2 on most days. 3 tomorrow!

I spend my insomniac hours listening to This American Life podcasts, which I highly recommend you go download right now. I'm a little bit in love with Ira Glass. Sometimes I make long to-do lists, but of course don't do any of it, because who's really productive at 3:30 in the morning? (I did make homemade lemonade at 1:30 am today though. Didn't want all those failed-cleanse lemons going to waste. Honestly? I didn't even start it. I just thought about going on it yesterday, didn't eat much, and didn't have coffee. Then, my life sucked. So this afternoon, I put the world right with a coffee and a few donuts. Cleanse? What was I thinking.) Or I watch all the VEDA videos.

Speaking of VEDA videos, here's something I'm not good at, which was our topic for today.

Sorry the quality is so crap. It's not crap in iMovie, but when I throw it up on the web, it disintegrates. Whatev. You can still hear my big fat mouth, and that's really all that counts.

Good Morning, Good Morning

2010-08-02T23:59:00.000+09:00

The only way I think the morning is great is if I stay up late and meet the next day in front of the computer, reading a book, or talking with the HubbO. Kind of like this: (Sorry for the subtitles at the bottom. The rest of the videos had disabled embedding.)

That was one of my favorite scenes from Singing in the Rain and it's still the only way I like to have anything to do with morning times. It's a happy song that only makes me happy after the morning is over. Because basically, nothing can cheer me up or pull me out of a funk before 11 am.

Today's topic was "Mornings" for VEDA. So, here it is.

VEDA: Vlog Every Day in August

2010-08-01T23:55:00.000+09:00

Today is the first of August (I have 6 minutes of this day left!) and it is also the beginning of Ashley and Pham's collaboration: VEDA. Which stands for Vlog Every Day in August. Apparently in is too short to ride this ride. Poor guy. Maybe next year.

Anyway, I am participating in this huge video blogging extravaganza. And let me tell you, I do NOT feel like figuring out all the editing stuff for my videos. So, most of it will be uncut and unedited. Except for the fact that I took like 15 takes and said a lot of bad words. So, the final product is okay. It's a little longer than I had planned, but for me to talk to myself for less than at least 10 minutes is rough. Anyway, it's not all fancy pants or anything.

Another note, before you watch it (because you are going to watch it, right?), we do not have air conditioning. Have I told you this before? And I had to turn off the office fan in order to be heard on the video. So, it gets a little messy there, what with the sweat mustache and all. Forgive my perspiration. Also, I had to change my freaking location because Korea doesn't allow people to upload videos due to their "real name/ID" policy. Yeah, that's right. No anonymity on the Korean Internets. Luckily, it was easy to fix.

AND you can find all the participants' blogs, YouTube channels, and Twitters here. You can find my YouTube Channel here and my Twitter here. I'll post the first couple videos here, but most likely will turn out just posting links here, as well as Twitter and Facebook.

Not only is this week the first week in August, it's the first week of a 10 day cleanse I'm doing. So, if I'm all cranky and crappy in the next few videos, you'll know why! Enjoy the videos and make sure you leave lots of comments. Because I'm off the coffee and donuts for the next 10 days. Feeeeed me with your looooooove. Okay? Okay!

Summertime

2010-07-19T17:08:00.001+09:00

[credit]

My life, tomorrow, will errupt with activity. I will be teaching an English camp in the morning from 9am-12:50 pm, and then I'll be heading to work as usual from 2-9. The camp is 10 days long and I must have temporarily lost my mind, because it coincides with our summer break here at ELP. Which means that instead of a week off, I will have a week of teaching middle schoolers who can barely say their ABCs English. But I will have my afternoons free. And I will have a nice chunk of change in the bank afterward. I'm also this week catching up with my running plan. I'm living in week 5, but running week 4. I think I will sleep well. So, there's that.

Also, I wanted to tell you that last night I was propped up on my elbows, lying on my stomach in bed, reading Why I Wake Early, a collection of poems from Mary Oliver. And after I read page 43, I had to flip over onto my back, sling one hand over my chest, and let the tears soak back up into my eyes as I stared at the ceiling. This poem devastated me. Just devastated me. 91% of that devastation was from it's beauty and perfection. The other 9% of the devastation stemmed from the fact that I didn't write it first. Not that I'm capable of Mary Oliver quality. But whenever I read good writing, really good writing, there's some twinge deep in my chest. It's related to regret and I think it's a cousin of jealousy. But not quite. Anyway, back to being devastated. It was just that good.

It's the middle of summer, so I will share this mid-summer poem with you. Be careful. You might have to flip over onto your back and take a few deep breaths. I plan to live in this poem for the next two weeks.

Luna

In the early curtains
of the dusk,
it flew,
a slow galloping

this way and that way
through the trees
and under the trees.
I live

in the openmindedness
of not knowing enough
about anything.
It was beautiful.

It was silent.
It didn't even have a mouth.
But it wanted something,
it had a purpose

and a few precious hours
to find it,
and I suppose it did.
The next evening

it lay on the ground
like a broken leaf
and didn't move,
which hurt my heart

which is another small thing
that doesn't know much.
When this happened it was about the middle of summer,

which also has its purposes
and only so many precious hours.
How quietly,
and not with any assignment from us,

or even a small hint
of understanding,
everything that needs to be done
is done.

~Mary Oliver

P.S. I wrote this post instead of scavenging for my dinner tonight. Because sometimes, poetry trumps hunger.

The Gift of Watermelon

2010-07-13T12:19:00.000+09:00

I'm seriously beginning to doubt that watermelon is a gift.

When someone gives you a watermelon, sure, your first thoughts are, "How thoughtful! How lovely! How heavy." And then it's basically all downhill from there. Watermelon is a lot of responsibility. First, it's a hassle to get into. And second, where are you supposed to put it?

I am as excited about watermelon in the summer as the next person, but good grief don't give me one. The gift of a watermelon is really someone saying, "I think it's time you rearrange and clean out your fridge." If you do not rearrange and clean out your fridge, your watermelon will not fit in it. Even if you cut your watermelon into lovely lunch box size pieces to take to work with you for the millenia to come (because that's how much watermelon you now have), you have to put it somewhere. I like to keep some sliced up in a plastic Lock-n-Lock with a lid. But that Lock-n-Lock was probably already in use in my fridge. So, when I received the above watermelon, I had to empty out a whole bunch of things to make space for those cut pieces. And then, I still have the other big hunk of watermelon (I guess that's a fourth? Half of a half?) to store somewhere. In our fridge, I get to throw it in the bottom crisper drawer that is just deep enough to hold it.

And then there's the dilemma of how to consume the watermelon. I was only given half a watermelon, and it has turned out to be an inconvenience. I can't imagine anyone gifting a whole watermelon. That's just mean. I like to freeze some of it, but only so much because of freezer space and also, you must get out all the seeds. So, the gift of a watermelon is really someone saying, "Hey, you don't have enough to do. Pick all the seeds out of this with a fork."

Let's face it. You can only make so many watermelon smoothies, fruit salads, and watermelon-on-a-plate-let's-call-this-dessert before you are out of ideas. And let's face it, we are only two people. So, inevitably, we will watch this watermelon rot in our fridge. In other words, the gift of a watermelon is really someone saying, "You're a terrible person." And you believe it because you are such an irresponsible, uncaring, and insensitive person that you will let a wonderful, delicious fruit like watermelon go to waste sitting in your crappy fridge that freezes anything if it's too far back on the shelf.

Unless you believe that someone is in need of a serious fridge purge, needs a hobby that involves a fork, or is simply a terrible person, don't give them a watermelon. Otherwise, go for it.

A Year Ago

2010-07-05T23:59:00.000+09:00

{me, dad, and mom watching fireworks in Tennessee, July 2009}

Last fourth of July, I was with my family in Tennessee, watching fireworks outside while the sky was preparing a huge thunderstorm. It was Kenny's first 4th of July celebration and he seemed to enjoy it. I miss my family more around holidays. It makes me realize how important tradition in our family was, and still is, to me. I am staunchly against any changes made to our holiday traditions, even if I'm not there to witness or experience the changes. Perhaps I feel their continuance is some kind of insurance. Even though I'm not there, I can trust that things will go on the same as they always have, so if and when I do return, I can settle back down into my place there.

I often feel like my family is growing and evolving without me. And that may well be true. Even from this distance, I can see the ways they are holding each other up in love, supporting each other disappointments, and generally rejoicing in each other's existence. My family does all of those things for me, too. But sometimes I feel I'm outside the circle.

I know, I know, I don't have any right to complain. I'm the one who picked up and moved. I'm the one who decided to come back to Korea. I'm the one who is trying to make a life in this country rather than mine. If you said all these things to me, I would have to admit that you're right. No one forced me to make the decisions I've made. And the thing is, I don't regret my choices. Every day I know I'm in the right place. I know that I'm supposed to be with Kenny, wherever in the world that is. That feeling of belonging- of being able to belong anywhere in the world because I'm with the person who helps my life make sense- that's something worth following. I never doubt that I'm in the right place. I just doubt that I'm doing the right thing in this place.

I will always miss my family. I think until I have a family of my own to help me make new traditions, I'll feel like that puzzle piece everyone searched for but couldn't find because it fell between the couch cushions. I know that I'm missed at home. I can't wait to get there and see my sister's new house. I can't wait to just ride around in a car running errands with my mom and make her laugh so hard she can barely drive straight. I can't wait to sit with my dad and try to listen more than I talk. There are so many things I'm excited to do. And I'll get to do them at Christmas for two weeks. I am excited for Kenny to experience Christmas at our house, too.

{bursting with love}

I can't stop thinking that if I were doing the right thing, if I found a way to support myself in a way that nourished and enriched my spirit instead of draining it slowly, that I wouldn't quite wish myself home so much. Not to say that I think I'll stop missing my family. Nope. That ache will always be hanging around, waiting for the right moment to smart so intensely I can't breathe. But that ache is cherished because it means I was and am a part of a family that knows what real, unconditional love is.

This fourth of July, I watched two kind, generous, and loving people get married. As they start their journey together, I hope that I can start another of my own, too. One where I am brave enough to do what I need to do. To dig out my place in Korea, even if the shovel gives me blisters.

Good Earth

2010-06-24T13:23:00.000+09:00

Last month, we planted a few things in some good earth. In some good, free earth, I should say. The owners of a cafe and a strawbale house let us plant some veggies in two rows of their garden. And we've been looking in on them, but today we went and actually picked some things! We had enormous lettuce, a full-grown cucumber, and a ton of fresh basil ready to be cooked with some pasta!

Our two little rows: tomatoes, chili peppers, red lettuce, cucumbers, basil

Just picked basil! Yummy! It smells so good.

The great thing about this lettuce is that you just continue to pick the outside leaves and it continues to grow! We trimmed them down today and have an entire box of beautiful, tasty lettuce- way more than we can handle. So we got to share with the Mart Man. While we were in the Mart, a woman there was impressed with the size of our lettuce and the color, too. She said that we should buy some land and farm like this. We were both really surprised, because we didn't work at all for this stuff. We just put it in the ground, and it grew! But I love giving it away and seeing how much a small bit of gardening can provide.

We also picked one of our cucumbers. It was so crispy and delicious. I am still reading essays in Wendell Berry's book, The Gift of Good Land, and I am able to understand much more now that I've experienced the joys of producing some of my own food. (Even if it is on such a small scale.) I don't know. Maybe I'm getting all sentimental and idealistic with the essays on traditional agriculture and the giddiness of seeing our veggies grow. But I really think there's something enriching about producing rather than consuming. I feel good. And I'm thankful for this small bit of earth we've been given. It's giving back to us already.

Makeovers

2010-06-23T11:44:00.000+09:00

Let's review, shall we? Let's take a moment to remember the beauty of my big furry kitters.

These pictures were taken last Wednesday before I took them for their appointment to be groomed at the vet. And now, for the big reveal! Miso and Bo are sleek and slimmed down. They aren't suffering in the heat of summer, and we aren't eating as much fur with our meals. Just remember the positives, okay? And keep the negative comments to yourself, because the kitters read the blog.

It took me a few days to get used to their new look, and it took them a few hours to get used to each other again! They just walked around and sniffed and sniffed each other. It was pretty funny. Because they both looked so different and they smelled wonderful! But this time there was no hissing on either end, just curiosity and they slept together that first night in our bed. Which they have continued to do every night since. I love that they're more cuddly now! But I still miss my furry, fat Miso sometimes. But they seem happy and much more comfortable. And most importantly, we're not eating as much fur with every meal. Speaking of meals, I better go get one ready!

Getting Crafty

2010-06-16T17:03:00.000+09:00

So this is what I've been working on in the evenings. I've made my own cards before, but never thought about making them for other people to send. So, now, I am! It's so much fun and it gives me something to look forward to while I'm trudging through my work days.

Oh yeah, I hate my job now. Not necessarily this job in particular. It pays well, the schedule is good, the people are nice. But I am not cut out for ESL teaching. It's just not me. I'm probably hanging out until February and then the future is wide open!

I'm going to continue to make little sets of handmade cards to get me through. Let me know if you like them!!

Feline Dignity

2010-06-15T12:09:00.000+09:00

Aren't they gorgeous? Look at their lovely, long, soft, fur. OR NOT. Because that lovely, long soft fur turns into large, unwieldy tumbleweeds that crawl across the floor in every room, congregate in every corner, and attempt to get into all the food. I don't know how much cat hair I eat in a week, but I'm pretty sure it's substantial.

It's summer here. It's hot. And we don't have air conditioning. Yep, I said it. We don't have air conditioning. Korea in the summer is kind of like the South in the summer. Imagine living in Tennessee or Georgia without an air conditioner in your house. Now, we don't live in a house. We live in an apartment and we live on the 7th floor in a 12 story building. Which is good, because it keeps us cool. But we also live facing a gorgeous garden with an entire wall of windows on the veranda. We do have fans in every room, and although it's stuffy when we come home at night, it's not really that hot. But the kitters hang out here everyday and their fur has decided to mutiny. We brush them, we vacuum, we pick hair out of our mouths and noses.

Remember when we shaved Bo in the winter? Well, Kenny is convinced it's the only answer to the fur tumbleweeds taking over the apartment. And if I wasn't so damn tired of trying to cough up tiny hair stuck in my throat, and the cats hadn't begun having frequent hairballs (however, they are incredibly smart cats and only puke up their hairballs on the floor instead of the carpet! Thank you, darlings!), I would refuse. Because they're going to be so ugly. Just so ugly. And Bo's fur isn't even back to normal yet. And Miso is so soft and gorgeous and I love it that she's so furry. The other thing is that to shave them, they have to knock them out, and Miso gets so very sick afterwards. It's pitiful to watch. I almost can't bear the thought of it. Doesn't this photo just scream dignity?

But the HubbO has drawn the line. And honestly, it is hard to keep the house clean. So, I think we're shaving the cats tomorrow. And it's going to be a really sad day. I might cry a little bit. Let's take a moment of silence and remember how beautiful and lovely they are with all their fur....

Oh Kitters! I'm so sorry. I love you and I'm doing this for you. So that you don't have to puke hairballs anymore, so you don't have to chase fur tumbleweeds and eat them anymore, so the HubbO will get off my back about cleaning hair and eating hair and sleeping with hair and wearing hair. There's no turning back, my lovelies.

Week 2

2010-06-14T07:53:00.000+09:00

Well, Week 2 wasn't a total loss, but I'd count it as an almost-failure. Especially coupled with this weekend. I guess I kind of lost a bit of my momentum, really. Fixing lunch and dinners everyday before 1 pm makes me busy. And at first, I was really glad to be busy about making my life better, improving my eating habits, yada yada. But Week 2, I missed sleeping in; I stayed up too late at night; I allowed too many things to get me down. I ran out of time one day and we were forced to eat out. And it's not like we ate somewhere healthy. Then, Friday, I had one of those depressing days where I hated my body, my face, my hair, just a general day of self-loathing. And I knew I would mess up. I went on down to the Dunkin' Donuts, had a coffee, one donut, and a sandwich with two kinds of cheese! It was glorious. For about 10 minutes. Then, I just felt guilty. Also, I didn't run. Not once!

I'm really disappointed in some of the choices I've been making, but I want to get back on track this week. And because last week was a bit of a throwaway, I think I might push my No Ma'am Month on into July.
I am blogging before 8 am today, so I count that as a win. I have all my fruits and veggies ready for today's dinner, and even though I'm not making it out to the track this morning because I have to go to a kindergarten and teach (I do this once a week for an hour on Mondays), I still feel good about being up and getting things done.

So, hopefully this week I will be able to make better decisions and be proud of myself at the end of it. I'm not going to buy coffee, I'm not going to watch ANY TV at all, and I'm going to try to use my time wisely, and also do the things I want to do, instead of just sitting around wishing I was doing the things I want to do!

Mary Oliver writes, "Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?" in her poem Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches. And yes, Mary! I've been calling it a life. But from now on, I'd like to take deep, centering breaths and live my life.

Week 1

2010-06-08T23:29:00.000+09:00

So, week 1 of my Month of No Ma'am was pretty great. I was expecting to feel exceptionally deprived, but instead, I felt almost indulgent in taking care of myself!

No Spending: I did well with this. It was so much easier to pass up little shopping trips and snacks since I told myself no about anything that wasn't groceries. I did spend quite a bit of money at the little mart next to our house, but mostly because we've started eating real food everyday, and buying fresh fruits and veggies will always be more expensive than stocking up on instant noodles. Also, I realized I don't begrudge myself the spending when it comes to eating more delicious and more healthy foods.

No TV: I also didn't have any problem with not watching TV. However, I have decided that no TV is a weekday thing. Rather than abstaining from so many things all the time for an entire month, I've decided that moderation is a better choice in this area. On the weekends, Kenny enjoys watching TV and I'm not going to tell him he can't. I also started crafting again, and I enjoy doing so in front of the TV. I decided to put No TV in June because it was sucking up the time I could use to do something else. But because I am actually doing something else, I find it's much easier to turn off and stop watching when I'm finished with whatever project I'm working on. So, success in this area, with a little compromise where needed.

No Eating Out: I made lunch everyday for us and even prepared us both dinner boxes to take to school. There are three little boxes that fit in our carrier cases. So every day, I stuffed one of them full of fruits and veggies. I'm really a fan of carrots, watermelon, and grapes right now! This week, I've branched out to include apples and kiwi. The other had a half a sandwich and a banana or some cheese and crackers or something like that. And the final box was stir-fried tofu, or pasta with veggies, or some rice dish I'd thrown together.I was really so proud of myself for cooking everyday. It's something I'm getting more comfortable with and I'm learning how to throw things together quickly with what I have in the fridge. I'm also learning how to keep the fridge stocked with the things we need on a regular basis. However, we also decided that No Eating Out could be modified to be weekday only. On the weekend, we did cook our own meals, but ate out on Saturday for lunch. Again, this is mostly because this month is about making better choices for ME, not forcing Kenny to go along with me in everything. It's called No Ma'am, not No Sir for a reason.

No Excuses: Actually, I made a few excuses. I had a coffee on Friday, I ate out on Saturday, and I also watched TV while I worked on some handmade cards. But I'm okay with those. Mostly, I'm really glad that I'm learning to compromise and to keep on working to achieve my goals. Before, I would have decided the minute I drank that extra coffee on Friday that my entire Month of No Ma'am had failed, which would have promptly been followed by a shopping spree and a mindless TV marathon of giving up. But compromising is OKAY! I'm not perfect. I'm never going to do anything perfectly. But I'm realizing that it shouldn't stop me from trying really hard. I'm not going to get discouraged that I missed one run. I'm going to be encouraged because I ran twice when I planned to, despite the heat and not really having much extra time in the morning.

This week is going well, too. I'm getting more creative with lunches and dinner boxes, really loving the numbers in my bank account, and just feeling so much better about the way I'm spending my free time. So many times, I feel this nagging sense of guilt pulling on my ankle, whispering in my ear that I'm letting myself down, I'm being too lazy, I'm not accomplishing anything. But I'm learning to tell that guilt to SHUT IT. Because I've made a few boundaries and limits for myself, and they're working really well! I might decide to make No Eating Out except on weekends an entire summer thing. Or heck, an entire life thing. I'd like to be just that comfortable in the kitchen. And the running thing? Definitely something I'm hoping to stretch beyond the measley month of June. I'd also like to ultimately tell myself no about most things I want to buy. Before this month, I bought any little thing that caught my fancy because I could. And I looked and saw that my spending was just making me unhappy later. I've never been one for delayed gratification. But I think it's time.

I just feel good. What about you?

June is Here

2010-06-03T00:32:00.000+09:00

June is a very special month, my lovelies. Why? Because I am setting some limits and reaching some goals.

Welcome to June. This month I am telling myself, "No Ma'am!" in my most Southernest of accents. I was reading an essay last week that bowled me over. Wendell Berry writes, in his masterpiece Faustian Economics, "...our human and earthly limits, properly understood, are not confinements but rather inducements to formal elaboration and elegance, to fullness of relationship and meaning."

And I've been telling myself, "Why not?" for so long. I'm tired of that mentality because it's getting me nowhere. I'm fat, unhappy, and lazy. So, welcome to June! In this month, which is a completely reasonable amount of time, I will tell myself no. I'm doing this for a few reasons. One, I'm bored with being lazy. I'm bored with indulgence. I'm bored with "Why not?" Two, I'm ready to see what I can do. I'm ready to start functioning within limits I set and seeing what I can achieve.

So, onto the NO MA'AM list for this month-long project:
No Spending
No spending means, well, no spending. We are buying groceries and gas, along with cat and gardening supplies. And that's it! No daily coffee purchases, no little pens and pencils at the stationary shop, no impulsive online shopping. We accidentally saved a lot of money last month. And I thought, hey, what if we tried to save a lot of money on purpose? What could we achieve. I've been reading Ashley's A Story of Debt. I've really been inspired by her focus and intentional living. Although I don't have credit card debt, I do have a blessedly-interest-free family debt to my Papaw who loaned me a hefty sum for my Master's year in England. Turns out it's the best money I've ever owed anyone, but that's no reason to stretch this out longer than it has to. I want to really focus on making large payments more often and also, of building up an emergency fund. So, I figure if every few months we do a 'no spending' month, it might become our habit to save rather than spend.

No TV
I'm not a big television addict as it is, and that's mostly why I'm cutting it out altogether. Kenny and I usually watch TV when we eat lunch together. But I find myself completely vegging out in front of the tube on the weekends. And sure, it's a lovely time to rest and zone out for a while, but it's like a time-suck I can't escape. Once I watch one hour, the next four are sure to follow. And the weekends are precious time where I can order my days any way I like! Why would I waste them on stupid TV shows I've already seen and don't really enjoy? I will continue to watch 44 minutes of commercial free Glee once a week on my computer. I mean, Glee is quite addictive, but now that I'm all caught up, there's only one episode to watch at a time anyway. (I watched episode 21 right before writing this post! Love it.)

No Eating Out
Obviously this is a sub-heading of No Spending, but it deserves a little paragraph all its own. Because this is only June 2nd and I have quite a few more days to go through, I'm still ecstatic about this one. I've been getting up and fixing our lunch and then figuring out what to cook and pack for our dinners. Kenny and I both work through dinner because we go into work after lunchtime. We have cute little lunch boxes that I took like, twice before. But now, it's so much fun to figure out what I can use to fill up the three containers for dinner. Today I cooked a macaroni pasta for lunch with fresh onion, garlic, peppers, and a sprinkle of cheese. Then, I cooked rice and made Korean rice balls (ju mok bap) with dried seaweed (kim). I also fixed green salads with an olive oil and balsamic homemade dressing. The third container was filled with carrots, cucumbers, a banana, and fresh watermelon slices! I love dragging out dinner over my entire 2 hour break at school. I always see if I can make it all last until 5. I don't eat after 5pm anymore because it makes me so incredibly fat. Anyway, I'm trying out new recipes, shopping with more focus, and making my husband about as happy as it gets. He's always been in charge of meal times and now that he doesn't have to worry about it, he's a free man! Anyway, I'm having so much fun fixing our little dinners. We wasted so much money on eating out. It's actually incredibly cheap to eat out in Korea, but I wasn't eating healthy. And this way, I can be in charge of what goes into my body.

No Excuses
Tomorrow will be my second day of the Couch to 5K program. I started on Tuesday. I can't wait to get out there tomorrow morning. I've been complaining for a few months about my ballooning Belly and back fat, but I haven't done anything about it. I've made all sorts of excuses about how my work schedule had me eating dinner after 10 p.m., how the gym was too expensive and far from our house, how my clothes were stupid and nothing fit. But I decided that I was tired of making excuses for myself. I don't want to allow myself to be like this, especially after just last summer I was the thinnest I'd been in a long time and wearing stuff I wore in college. In 6 months, I've gained so much weight, it's stupid. Yeah, I'll always be a ChubbO Chubbington on the inside. My passion for food is insatiable. But with this No Eating Out, I'm hoping to take my passion in a different direction and train my body to want what's good for it. And running again is making me feel more confident and optimistic about my body. I'm tired of hating myself. So, I'm doing something about it.

If anyone wants to join me, just let me know! And I'll leave you with this poem from Mary Oliver, that says everything else I want to say. Summer's here, y'all!

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

2010-05-17T00:53:00.000+09:00

As you can see, I haven't completely given up on the good old blog yet. This is too much a part of who I am now, and also too much of what I talk about! I've made some changes and there are more to come.

The end of last week was pretty crazy. Kenny's grandmother finally passed away early Wednesday morning. So we drove to Seoul in the morning and participated in the three day visitation and then burial on Friday. I learned a lot. It was interesting. I also got to meet a lot of Kenny's family. They were all so kind to me, many of them were sweet despite the language barrier, and a whole heck of a lot of them can speak English. I really felt as though I was part of this family. It was a sad, but wonderful experience all at the same time.

It's back to work today, but there's a light at the end of the week because Friday is Buddha's birthday. Woot for a three-day weekend road trip with friends!

Anyway, thanks for sticking around. I'm back.

2010-05-04T00:46:00.000+09:00

I cannot talk. I am full up with rage. I just spent two hours telling you all about stuff. Babies, as you can see from the lone title in your Google Reader. And when I pushed publish, it loaded an empty page onto my website. I hit things. I threw a few things. I tried to find it. I tried to fix it. But it's gone. Two and a half hours of my life and my writing into thin air. Now, I have to cry into my pillow and try to get the angry cramp in my neck out. I don't know when I'll be back. This was big.

(I'm not pregnant.)

What the SCRAP Wednesday

2010-04-28T09:15:00.000+09:00

Kind of like What the Crap Wednesday, only it has to do with the ridiculous nature of The Never-Ending Wedding Scrapbook! It has been over a year since I've been married, and over 6 months since I started my wedding scrapbook, and guess what. It's still not done! But I did finish a few pages before we left for Korea in August, and I just put them in new sleeves because a lot of them got ripped when the Mumsie shipped it from home. So, I thought I would give you a hint as to how it's turning out.

This page has our vows printed on each side.

These are the lyrics to the sweet song Kenny's friends sang for us.

Inside the little pockets are the words we recorded that played as we washed each other's feet.

One of my favorite spreads.

The end for now. Still have the front page and last page to do!

Right now, I'm looking forward to getting started on a book of our Annapurna trekking in Nepal. Got all the pictures printed and bought the book. Now I just have to find some scrapping supplies in Korea!

What's Working

2010-04-20T12:31:00.000+09:00

Instead of complaining about all the things I'm not doing right at the moment (okay every moment), these are all the things I'm doing that are working.

This kitters hug is working for me. Not so much for the kitters, eh?

I'm getting up early in the morning. Now, my definition of early may not be your definition of early. By early I mean that I am getting up early enough to be showered by 9. And that's progress people! I got so tired of coming home to a junky house that I never felt like cleaning at night. Then I would sleep in late and not have time to clean up before leaving. There were always lunch dishes in the sink when we would come home from work, the bed would be messy, and my office desk a disaster. I didn't talk about it before, because usually when I talk about something before I do it, I just turn myself into a big fat liar. So I just started doing it. I get up in the morning with the goal of going to work with a clean house behind me. It's so nice to come home in the evening and relax with the HubbO instead of feeling guilty because we both have to clean up when we're tired and cranky and hungry. So, getting up and getting straight into the shower works. (I'm also much nicer to my husband post-shower!)

Doing work at work. I have the best work schedule a girl could ask for this semester. Every day I have a break from 3:30 to 5:20. I used to use that time to explore the Internet (many times believing I had come to the end of it), write emails to friends, read a book, or go out for coffee. Although I still sometimes go out for a walk with Saralyn and sit on our bench in the sun at the park across from the school, or run some errands during this time, I make sure all my work is done first. It is making me better prepared for class and that is making my classes go well. Not that I didn't prepare before. But I would oftentimes forget things and be running from class to office again and again, going to the copy machine, or waiting on the printer. And all of those things were a waste of time when I had a huge break to prepare! So, now, I'm focusing only on work first. When all my work is finished and I've got everything I need ready, then I'm free to do whatever I want! It also helps that Kenny's grandmother is still hanging on. We could be called to Seoul for her three day funeral at any moment, so I have to be uber prepared in case other teachers need to teach my class or if they have to welcome my students into their own classes. Doing work at work totally works.

Counting calories. I downloaded a calorie counting app on my iPhone, but realized it wasn't doing me much good since I couldn't just plug in kimchi bokkumbap or ddeokbukki into the thing. So this morning I got Kenny to download a calorie counting app from the Korean app store. I'm having to learn a lot of new words to use it, which is great too, but now I can get closer to knowing how much I'm eating. I'm also being extremely aware of snacking. I used to snack during every break at school, feeling very deprived if I didn't have something to eat every time I wanted. But now, if I must snack, it's once and one thing. I've also cut out my daily Iced Caramel Macchiato except for once a week. I can drink other kinds of coffee, but I don't. Iced Caramel Macchiatos are my favorite, so I don't settle for less. This is helping me sleep better at night, I think! And also helping me curb an extra 200-300 calories a day. Counting calories works.

The weather is working for me, y'all. Finally. I've gotten rid of the jackets and am simply wearing long sleeve t-shirts or a t-shirt with a sweater. Can't wait until I can fit comfortably in my new jeans! That's my everyday outfit for summer: jeans, t-shirt, light sweater, and FLIP-FLOPS BABY! I even painted my toenails red last night just in case flip-flop weather shows up unexpectedly! Warm, spring weather with blue skies works.

Tights that look like jeans. I bought two pairs of tights that resemble jeans at Uniqlo this weekend. I mean, I know they don't really look like jeans, but they're close enough and the right colors. And y'all, as long as The Belly is hanging around, these leggings are making my dreams of sitting and bending comfortably come true! I have a pair of jeans I can squeeze into (I have two pairs I fit well, but they have been retired for the gaping holes in the thighs!), and I do wear them. But by the end of the day I usually find myself in a bad mood because I'm uncomfortable for most of the day. So, leggings and all things elastic and stretchy work.

Those are a few of the things that are working for me. What's working for you?

Imagine All the People: Saralyn

2010-04-19T23:40:00.001+09:00

[This post is one in a series that gives you a picture of the people I love, the people who put up with me, and the people who refine my character by choosing to be in my life even after I take the last piece of chocolate. You can read the others here and here. (Yeah, it's a long-drawn-out-never-ending-whenever-I-feel-like-it-or-bother-to-remember-it-series.)]

I like to say that Saralyn got lucky because she was assigned the desk next to mine. But really, I'm the lucky one. Saralyn is my opposite. Perhaps that's why I like her and also why she interests me. She's interesting to listen to because she's never going to have the same perspective on something as I am. She's also the calmest, most together, laid back person in my life. Her refusal to allow unpleasant things or situations to ruffle her or undo the rest of her day is pure inspiration. I love having my ever-frequent freak outs in the next desk because she allows me to freak out, and then, she gets busy suggesting extremely reasonable solutions that I could have thought of if, well, I wasn't me.

I like her because she is straight-forward. When she says, "I don't mind. Either is fine with me," or "Whatever you think. I'm up for anything," she actually means it. Our friendship works so well because I'm all decision-making queen and hardly ever "don't care" which place we eat, what place we go, or how we get there. And she so rarely has her own agenda that when she does express a certain wish, I'm glad to oblige her. (Not that she doesn't have her own agenda in general. But I mean inconsequential agenda. Like which coffee shop we're going to or how many other coworkers I share the fresh-baked, still-warm, chocolate banana bread with.) I guess I like her because she helps me to relax by example.

Saralyn has also taught me more about teaching in the last 5 months than I learned from experience in the last year and a half. She is generous; she emails test templates, shares lesson plans, and takes the time to look at others' work. She is helpful; she listens, she thinks, and she takes the time to give solid advice. She is cheerful; she laughs often, she sees the bright side, she takes the time to encourage others to stick to their goals. I can tell she's an amazing teacher without ever having the privilege of sitting in on one of her classes. Also, she can do theoretical math on top of simple math and addition. So it's like having a human calculator with you at all times. This is a benefit when you function under Danielle Math.

I am already mourning the month of August, when I lose yet another Tim Horton's-loving friend to distance and that land of space and ice, although she tells me they do have summer in Canada (and a Prime Minister, not a President. Get it right or pay the price). She will be missed. I am afraid of who will sit in that desk next to mine in a few months. They have a daunting role to fill. Maybe I should start taking applications?

And of course, Saralyn likes my cats, and thinks they're cute, and talks to them in the little voice sometimes. That always helps.

2010-04-12T07:00:00.003+09:00

Lord help us all. It's Monday again. And Miso is feeling it, too.

chubbO does chiaksan: a photo essay

2010-04-11T22:00:00.001+09:00

Balance stone upon stone. One for my mother, one for my father, one for my sister.

Envy temple guardian's headress.

Look up.

Listen.

Tastes as fresh and clean as it looks.

Greet dragon.

Obligatory we were here shot.

...

Puppy face at the bottom of the mountain.

Surrender heart and go home.

~~~

We didn't climb very far. There was still ice on the top of the mountain, though most of the snow had melted, resulting in splendid, clear water. There were these stairs, though. And I thought my legs were going to quit and demand severance pay. We didn't get very far, but it was a beautiful day spent outdoors. And there were plenty of puppies to play with and snap about 50 photos of in 5 minutes or less. It took enormous self-control to post only two of those photos.

I'm remembering last weekend in the shadow of this weekend. Yesterday Kenny and I were called away from an awesome 2S2 meeting in Wonju. We drove to Seoul because his grandmother is extremely sick and expected to die soon. There will be a three day funeral at the hospital in a special room. We will not sleep. I will wear a black hanbok. And then, I assume our family will crash into a bit of grief and a bit of joy and a bit of relief.

2S2 Wonju- On a Saturday so all is right with the world!

2010-04-08T21:21:00.000+09:00

Come on out for an awesome time of games and drinks at one of the coolest places in Wonju. Cafe Namu is a straw-bale house turned coffee shop/ pub. It's a really cozy, cool place to hang out. Hope to see you there! By the way, we're still meeting at Holly's at 2pm. As usual!

When You Don't Need To Photoshop a Thing

2010-04-06T11:50:00.001+09:00

Happy Tuesday, everyone! (Or, happy Monday for those of you Stateside. Hi, Mumsie!) This is the first untouched photo I've thrown up here in a long, long while. I've decided I definitely need a white Jindo with a pink nose. This sweet face melted me into a puddle of goo which Kenny had to scoop off the pavement and haul to the car after our Chiaksan hike this weekend. More pictures to come! And more puppies!

Also, make sure to click on over to see the new April design! I took the header photo at Guyongsa, a temple at the bottom of Chiak Mountain.

The Books that Changed Me

2010-04-05T23:04:00.002+09:00

From childhood, where my mother frequently found me holed up in my closet with all my books stacked in a big pile, slowly reading one and putting it on another pile beside my Playskool oven and stove combo, books have been shaping me. (Alas, I never imagined this rather round and squishy shape being the end result, but I'm working on it, people!) So, when I read The Korean's Top 10 List of Most Influential books, inspired by this NY Times editorial, I made a mental note to make one of my own.

And surprisingly, I actually read my mental note a few days later. Usually those things get put behind large signs that say, "Drink coffee," "Feed the cats," "Shower." They get lost along with all my other mental post-its covered in reminders to pluck my eyebrows, mail that letter, and clean that spoon I found in my cup holder. But this mental note was not lost. Like Ross Douthat and The Korean before me, I'm also not listing my Top 10 Favorite Books. I'm sure the lists would overlap in a lot of places, but I'm going with my gut here. These are in chronological order, approximately.

1. The Bugg Books by Stephen Cosgrove

(Granted, a series and not a single book, but influential nonetheless!) My grandmother owned almost all of these "Topsy Turvy" books, that had two front covers and two stories that met in the middle. I would stay up late at night whenever I spent the night at her house reading a story, flipping the book over, and reading another. Every story starts with the same lines:

As you lay on a summer's day

In a cool and shady place,

Don't look up into the skies;

Instead look down and squint your eyes.

Squint your eyes so very tight,

And if you wish with all your might,

You'll find the land of More-Than-Small.

In this land live buggs- that's all!

These stories were just like the Serendipity books, also written by Stephen Cosgrove, and happened to be the first series of books I ever read my way through in the closet next to my stove. Each story contains a different moral, teaching children to share, to value fellow-bugs over money, to be kind, and to believe in the magic of the animal world. I believe that these books are responsible for my uber-sensitivity when it comes to animals. Believing that even small bugs that are insignificant to me (and all other furry animals for that matter) have their own struggles with good and evil and work so hard to make the right decisions makes it really hard to step on a spider without thinking twice. (Crickets are different, though. They have no moral compass at all, so a swift shoe swat is completely ethical in my view.) I hold Stephen Cosgrove personally responsible for the tears I have shed at even the slightest hint of animal cruelty, the breath-interrupting sobs at those humane society commercials, and the headache I gave myself trying not to cry when the boy had to push the ape and be mean to him in order to get him to leave and be free at the end of that Born To Be Free movie. These books definitely shaped the way I see the world.

2. On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I heard this book before I read it. A good friend in high school, Taylor Jones read this book to me while we sat in the hallway during 3rd period Latin. I was a teacher's assistant and he was in Latin II, but this class was Latin I because the other didn't fit into his schedule. So, most days, we ended up on the cold, hard floor in the hall. I was fascinated with Kerouac immediately. This book changed the way I thought about writing and using profanity in writing. When Taylor read, I could hear Sal and Dean; I could hear how every word fit perfectly, even the bad ones. For a Southern Baptist sophomore in high school, this was life-altering. I didn't choose to use "bad" language myself until college, and even now, I'm very selective about it. My thoughts on what it is that makes profanity profane began that day in the hallway at LaVergne High School.

3. Beowulf. This book changed the way I interacted with every text I came across afterward. Perhaps this is less the book, but more the teacher under which I read it and discussed it. This was the first book that I felt shift things on my insides, in my soul. I felt other books had perhaps influenced my thinking, but this one affected my heart. Maybe that's vague and perhaps it's not completely something I could ever explain. Can we ever fully comprehend the exact way a book becomes a part of us as we read it? I'm not sure. And I'm okay with that.

4. Nicholas and Alexandra by Robert K. Massie. For me, this book did for history what the Bugg Books did for animals. It made the people who used to live before me real. I just happened to pick it up while browsing through the basement floor of Shorter College's musty library. I really had no reason to be down there. All the literature and English major's books were on the second floor, upstairs, where the only bathroom I would poop in besides my own was located. I remember truly connecting with the characters that Massie resurrected and reading the letters between Nicholas and Alexandra, cherishing the way he called her his "wifey."Before reading this, history was hard for me to connect with, even in college. Of course, I had always connected with history through fiction (i.e. Faulkner's Light in August; Ellison's Invisible Man and Juneteenth), but this made me see real people as real people.

5. Wilderness and the American Mind by Roderick Frazier Nash. I was a junior in college taking a class with the brilliant Dr. Wilson Hall when I read this book. It was on his syllabus. Reading this book was my wake up call to the ethics of environmentalism. It is an interesting history of the way America's ideas of wilderness evolved over time. Even the LA Times calls this book one of the hundred most influential books in the last 25 years. Almost all of my ideas about what wilderness is and should be were born in this class, and are a direct by-product of this particular text.

6. The Collected Poems of Anne Sexton. This book had to duke it out with a number of Billy Collins' collections. Because I view Billy Collins as pretty much the master of the English language. Period. However, I think Anne being a woman had something to do with the way I connected with her poems. This collection of poems forced my heart up into my throat so many times. I cried over these verses, I agonized with these lines, and I felt for the first time that someone had looked inside my brain, rooted around in the depths of my darkest corners, and put what they found on paper in the exact words I would have used. Sexton helped me fully realize that good poetry is universal and how. Whenever I want to read good poetry, I reach for this volume. (Billy Collins is such a darn close second. And perhaps he changed the way I wrote more than Sexton ever would. But I think the way Sexton writes about sex and relationships as a woman pushes her up there, just a smidgen.)

7. The Poisonwood Bible: This book taught me that truth is not the same thing as fact. I found this book on the bookshelf of an 80-year old English woman. Her name was Shiela and she was living in Cornwall when Kenny and I visited her in January of 2007. I began reading it and when we went back to Exeter, headed straight for Blackwell's to purchase my own copy. (I was more eager to get my hands on my own because this amazing girl I attended Shorter with recommended it. And when something has the Joanna Burgess stamp of approval on it, whether it be books, music, or plays, it's worth taking the time to experience it.) This book confirmed so many things I felt about Christianity and it's war on culture that was (and is) so distasteful to me. I also read it during the time when I was discovering how much of our lives are woven into narrative arcs so we can make sense of them. How we turn our lives into stories. How truth resonates through even fictitious characters, places, and circumstances. And how sometimes the truest things never took place at all.

8. White Guilt: How Black and Whites Together Destroyed the Promise of the Civil Rights Era by Shelby Steele. Let me remind you again here that these aren't necessarily the best books I've read, but simply the ones that changed or influenced my thinking the most. This book doesn't necessarily provide very many answers for the continued racial tensions in America, but it does do a good job detailing what's not working and many of the reasons why. I think this book resonated with me because I did and sometimes still do tend to wallow in "white guilt." I almost always side with racial minorities or the weaker party on any issue, regardless of right or wrong. I just feel like the old white men have won so much and made the rules for so long and something in me feels responsible for that, even though I know it's ridiculous. This feeling has many unexpected consequences that I feel Steele illustrates clearly. I guess this book changed the way I think about power, the people who have it, and the people who don't have it.

9. Incandescence: 365 Readings with Women Mystics (Rereleased as A Little Daily Wisdom) by Carmen Acevedo Butcher. This reader definitely influenced my views on Christianity and what it looks like. It introduced me to the Mother in God, the passionate women who shaped our religion and yet so seldom are recognized or even heard of. The mystery of Christ has been lost. We are so afraid of the word "mystical" anyway. This daily reader from Carmen Butcher opened up a feminine side of Christianity that resonated powerfully within me. Her translations are incredible. I feel like these mystics are writing me a letter; my name seems to be at the top of every page, and I imagine their scrawling signatures at the bottom. I love reading of the strength, the vision, and the gentle humility of these amazing, suffering, and saintly women. The binding of my copy is busted and some sections of pages have fallen out. I keep the book together with a rubber band. I know I should purchase a new copy that isn't about to crumble or lose its guts, but I love this book. I love the underlining in it, the notes I made, the way the particular sentences take me back to the feelings I had when I first read them. This is one of those books that leads you down a path of personal revelation, resolution, and revolution. I love it.

10. The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy: This is one of those books that would also make it onto the list of my top 10 favorite books I've ever read. Reading it while in India was amazing. It, along with White Tiger, finished up the work that the Poisonwood Bible started. The narrative made India come alive for me while I was there. It also made my world so much wider. Roy's writing is perfection. I loved rolling her sentences around in my head. I used to think that Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko was the book with the most perfect word choice, the way her sentences lined up so neatly one after another, flowing into my world and showing me another. But I think Roy finally topped Silko.

There are so many more books that belong on this list. A few that didn't quite make the cut: A Light in August by William Faulkner; Turtle Island by Gary Snyder; The Gift of Good Earth by Wendell Berry; Bluebeard and almost everything else by Kurt Vonnegut; What We Say Goes by Noam Chomsky; A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers; Catch-22 by Joseph Heller; The Collected Poems of Charles Bukowski; The Journals of Sylvia Plath; Everything by Rumi; Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison; The Jungle by Upton Sinclair.

I am still being shaped, chipped away at, and refined by the books I read.

What books have made you who you are?

Good, Good Friday

2010-04-02T14:26:00.000+09:00

Death, be not proud, though some have called you

Mighty and dreadful, for you are not so;

For those, whom you think you do overthrow,

Die not, poor Death, nor yet can you kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but your pictures be,

Much pleasure, then from you much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with you do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

You're slave to Fate, chance, kings and desperate men,

And do with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,

And better than your stroke; why swell you then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally,

And Death shall be no more; Death, you shall die.

~John Donne: Holy Sonnet X

That is the Good Friday Morning reading in Following Christ: A Lenten Reader to Stretch Your Soul by Carmen Acevedo Butcher. (I know her!) And I thought it was so appropriate because the flowers on our veranda have been sick and weary of the dark grey skies and weather. Like me. But today, they seemed to perk up and behold the sunshine. A few more good, good things on this Good Friday:

You didn't really think I'd post two times in a row without squeezing in some photos of the kitters, did you?

Have a lovely, rejuvenating, death-conquering, redemptive Good Friday, y'all!

Correspondence

2010-04-02T10:26:00.000+09:00

Dear Self,

Stop making decisions that don't support what you want! The top five priorities in your life are:
1. Enrich your marriage by being present in every moment.
2. Write when you want to write. Stop allowing small obstacles to stand in the way of spending your time the way you want. If you want to write, sit down and write! Don't make a list of things you need to do first.
3. Study Korean. There are people who have been here far less time than you and are way ahead of you. Spend time not only reading and writing, but SPEAKING. Stop canceling or postponing classes with GeumOk. Those decisions do not support your desire to be fluent!
4. Be social, be kind, be involved. Don't just watch your life from the outside and wish it were different. MAKE IT SO. Everyday you have the opportunity to be helpful, kind, and compassionate to a room full of amazing coworkers. Do it.
5. Be active. Be intense and focused about physical activity in the morning before school. Be serious about making healthy eating choices. So far this week, veggies have prevailed. And you feel so much better! And your skin is even getting better! Keep it up so you can be proud of yourself and actually fit into your clothes. It will be one less thing to worry about when you make this a habit and it doesn't have to be so intentional. But for now, stay focused. Be intentional. Make decisions that help you, not hurt you. (P.S. Cookies hurt you. Just in case you were having your doubts.)

There you go, self. Clear. Simple. Now, when it comes time for the tiniest, most quotidian detail of your life, make the decision that moves you in the direction of these goals. Because this is where you want to go. Stop whining, bitching, complaining, being loud, stupid, and lazy. Live your life fully, with joy and INTENT.

All the best,
Danielle

Dear Weather,

Although it was a great April Fool's trick to give us two Februaries and no spring this year, I'm kind of over it. If it snows one more day, I'm going to have to take some kind of emotional health holiday and go somewhere warm. Where I don't need to wear socks and coats and more than two layers. Seriously. Stop with the rain and the cold and the SNOW FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Help a sister out and pour some sunshine on me. It makes me feel thinner, you know? Do it for me.
Also, tell Winter we're through. I broke up with him in January. Hoped he'd have moved all his crap out my place by March, but it's April and he's still calling me. Stop it.

Please bring Spring,
Weather Affective Disordered Wife

Dear Saralyn,

I cannot thank you enough for all the support you've given me over the past few months. Super duper congratulations on getting into stupid graduate school. Because now there's a sobering countdown going on. You'll only sit in the desk beside me for a few more months. And then what if some weirdo comes in and takes your place! And I have to sit next to the weirdo. And the weirdo doesn't bake chocolate banana bread (I just realized all my favorite Canadians have baked banana bread and it's always delicious. Why is that? Is Banana Bread Baking a requisite for graduation in Canada?) and doesn't understand my need to not have to share that banana bread with the rest of the teachers and also doesn't forward me all the templates he or she makes for tests. And what if the hypothetical weirdo doesn't let me copy every classroom strategy, teaching technique, and filing method shamelessly? And what if the weirdo doesn't like riding in the trunk of my car and makes waves every time all of us try to pile in there? And what if they don't keep stashed of Ice Breakers Sours in their middle desk drawer? And what if they get mad at me for losing my glue and my stapler and my calculator all in the same day and don't let me use theirs? Oh my God. Somebody call Philip, because I just out-worried him! But seriously. If I have to sit next to some deranged mentally unstable person, I'm blaming you.

No really, congratulations! Probably.

Love,
The Weirdo in the Desk Next To Yours

Dear Readers,

Forgive me for the blogging break. Do you still love me? Maybe I should start being all "prepared" and "organized" and "thoughtful" and let you know when I'm going to fall off the face of the Internet. Oh well. I'm back. Maybe. Sort of. Oh my back fat. I love you guys.

Sincerely,
Wonju Wife

The Blog Goes to the Dogs

2010-03-24T16:23:00.000+09:00

I am not dead. I am also still fat. In case anyone was wondering.
*Warning: this post is long with lots of photos. (Because my editing skills are on vacation. In a sunny place where it doesn't snow EVER.)

Good, now that we have all official business out of the way, I'd like to take this time to post an inane amount of pictures from my past two canine-inspired weekends. Kenny and I have the good fortune of having an awesome Mart Man. I think I've mentioned my Mart Man before. This is not former Mart Man, who was more like a boy and said nice things about my hair and gave me free things to drink from the Family Mart next to my old school in Gangnam. Nope, this is the new and improved Mart Man- married with a daughter who owns the Hyundai Mart next to our apartment building. He is AWESOME. He is kind, funny, and most importantly thinks I'm so much more lovely and wonderful than I actually am. And we all know how I feel about people who consistently overestimate my worth. Love. Mart Man even came to Kenny's art show opening with his daughter, who is a total strawberry.

So, when he told us that he wanted to take us to see some puppies (note: all dogs are puppies in my book. It makes them feel younger, okay?), I jumped out of my chair and did a "going to see the puppies" dance. Or, I just said, "Cool." I can't remember which, but both feel probable, so pick whichever one endears me to you more. Well, we ended up at a kennel for Siberian Huskies. I was a little nervous, because I tend to have issues with dogs in cages / small spaces / any kind of fenced in tiny area. But Mr. Cho is a true dog lover who cares for his dogs and even quit his job to be a full time breeder and handler so he could spend more time with his pups. All the dogs have huge pens with a separate little sleeping area and no more than two dogs are ever penned together. And the momma and puppies have their own little building to protect them from the elements a little more. Anyway, understand that these dogs are loved and cared for better than most children.

Digression: (Y'all, last night we watched this TV program on EBS about these "healing dogs," who help people recover from sickness, help mentally challenged patients improve their social skills, and assist the disabled. Well, one dog had been a healer for his entire life and they were retiring him. So they found him a good family to take him. One with kids to play with and plenty of space. And when his handlers left him there, I cried. I sobbed. I gave myself a headache. Because when his handlers left, he kept onlooking out the door. I don't know. This is how sensitive I am about animals. I can't watch Avatar because they kill imaginary nonexistent animals. Okay, maybe I could watch it, but I don't feel like crying right now so just back off.) End digression.

So, we hung out at the kennels and played with Bolt, who is still getting his show dog training. I had a great time with the ~~dogs~~ puppies. They get a lot of exercise, are well-cared for, and beautiful with sweet temperaments. I was thrilled.

These are 24 day old pups. Don't you want to squeeze the little puff balls?

45 day old pups. I squealed and cursed our wonderful, but small yardless apartment that keeps me from loving one of these pups full time!

Stop judging my face. This is how I communicate with the souls of the puppies, okay?

Mart Man's daughter gets a Husky Hug!

More Husky love.

Mr. Cho, the kennel owner is also the owner and handler of Royal Prince, the husky who has won a ridiculous amount of Best of Breed awards and Best of the Best awards in Korean competitions and International competitions. And it just so happens that he was traveling to a dog show (KKF and IFC) in Icheon and needed an interpreter for some guests from Singapore. Well, guess who knows Korean and English? And has a wife who loves puppies? Yup. The HubbO! So, Mr. Cho asked us to accompany him to the dog show and do you know what? I got up at stinking 5:50 in the morning and we were on the road by 6:45 am. Can you even believe that? Me neither. So, we went to the show where Prince won Best of Breed again. Mr. Cho said that he doesn't take him to many shows anymore because all the other Husky owners get kind of miffed at him because Prince shuts down the competition every time. It's amazing and it was really fun to watch him win. Okay, now, onto more photos from the show!

Completely focused and relaxed. Eye on the prize, baby!

Locking down another prize.

Fell in love with these cuties. Perhaps it's our ChubbO kindred spirits?

Who you callin' ChubbO?

~~Horse~~ Great Dane in the ring.

Preserving dignity for dogs getting groped around the world.

Hello gorgeous.

A brindle boxer shot for the Sisda. Reminds me of Samson!

Wait. Is this a good hair day or a bad hair day?

And I saved my favorite shot of the day for last. I had to comb through so many photos. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for paring it down, although my first goal was to post only 5 pictures. I'm only 13 over! (Maybe. That's calculated with Danielle Math, so no guarantees!) This bulldog and boxer interaction was probably the funniest thing I saw all day.

I now declare you this tall.

And, now, hopefully we'll be back to our more regular, less furry programming.

2010-03-15T22:49:00.001+09:00

I'm pretty sure that all of you were holding your breath for a new series. And so that you can all stop turning blue and purple, I give you Miso Mondays! On Mondays (when I feel like it, stop with the pressure and the obligation already!), I'll throw up a picture of Miso in all her glorious attitude. So, here we go:

Because this is a Monday face. This is how Monday feels, y'all.

(Also, Miso has stared intently at the screen during this entire posting process. I guess she's just making sure I don't misrepresent her. Or put up a photo of her licking her butt.)

Hope your Monday was better than mine! And Miso's from the look of it.

2S2 Wonju Rides Again

2010-03-11T23:48:00.000+09:00

Hey y'all. Sorry it's taken me so long to get this up here, but a new Dunkin' Donuts opened in town and so I've been a little busy, you know what I mean? Anyway, 2S2 is back! Last month we took off for the holiday because as an ajumma, I have certain familial obligations during holidays. Woot. Anyway, we're off again.

NOTICE: This month's meeting is on SUNDAY. Sorry about that. I know, this is practically grounds for a What the Crap Wednesday post. But on SUNDAY, I'll explain to you guys why it had to be on SUNDAY, and not on Saturday. Okay? Thank you.

Okay, aaaaand on to the good stuff:

So, to recap: Meet at Holly's and have a coffee and a chat. Head to the bus stop around 3 to go to the lanes we have booked at the bowling alley. Then, when we get hungry, we take a vote (but mine counts double because I'm now counting my back fat as an entire person) and go stuff our faces. Sounds good, yeah? So, if you're in Wonju or surrounding areas or basically in this country and have access to a bus, come on down! Can't wait to see you there! On SUNDAY!

[ a big chubby Thank You ]

2010-03-09T08:11:00.001+09:00

So, remember how this used to be ChubbO Chubbington? Before I moved on to Wonju Wife? Well, I haven't exactly stopped being a ChubbO, as we are all well aware. And because ChubbO's make amazing friends despite their donut-dependencies, I got one of the best presents EVER in the mail the other day. It was from my friend Bennett, who is a crazy, smart, and all-around strawberry to hang out with. (Yeah, remember how we're calling people strawberries instead of peaches here at Wonju Wife? Just a reminder: I don't like peaches. I loooooove me some strawberries.) I met him through my oh-my-god-have-we-been-friends-for-half-our-lives-already friend Melanie. Because they are crazy people who run marathons. Unlike me. I am one of those people who stands on the side of the road with a sweet tea in one hand and a funnel cake in the other while yelling for the crazy marathon runners. Right, sorry. To the point!

So appropriate, no?

Bennett found this book at a flea market, and of course, thought of me! I'm honored, actually. And the note inside was just as thoughtful: "Thought of you when I saw this book. Not that I think you are a ChubbO, but because of your blog. And because you are not good at sharing. maybe this book could teach you something." OH MY BACK FAT. He is so right. We all know I'm not good at sharing. Especially when it comes to food. This beautiful book tells the story of one hippo named Chubbo who doesn't like to share his pool with any other animals. I was amazed by the watercolors. Usually, I'm not a fan of watercolor, but perhaps Chubbo has changed my mind!

Chubbo getting comfy in his lovely watering hole.

Chubbo actively not sharing.

The illustrations are gorgeous and the story is touching. Besty Lewin, author and illustrator, writes in her author's note, "This is a fictional story inspired by my experience in Botswana's Okavango Delta with a real hippo who refused to share his part of the river with anyone else."

Thanks, Bennett! I love it. It's perfect. And I'm not sharing it. So there.

[ It's Vanilla Shake, Baby ]

2010-03-08T00:02:00.000+09:00

The HubbO and our new Kia Soul in Vanilla Shake. Isn't that a lovely name for a color?

It is entirely Kenny's fault that my hair is so stupid here. All he had to do was tell me it looked like that!

And this is just from the backseat area. Overpackaging much?

It took us almost two days to "unwrap" the present of our new car. The seats were all completely covered in plastic, along with the visors, the seat belt buckles, the gear shift, the small shifters on either side of the steering wheel, the door handles, parts of the doors, and parts of the floor. Also, the outside was covered with some sticky stuff, too. The shiny parts, anyway. Have no fear, dear Earth lovers! We recycled it all.

I probably don't need to tell you this, but I am thrilled with our new car. It is so nice not to have to wait on the bus when I want to go to work. It is also easier to stay a little later at work because I know I don't have to catch a bus. Of course, we're not swearing off the bus forever. It's practical on weekends and when we're not on a schedule. But the car is awesome. Oh so awesome.

[ what month is it? ]

2010-03-01T22:07:00.000+09:00

It's March already!
And because it's the first of the month, I think it's only appropriate to smother you with adorable kitter pictures.

Isn't she just lovely?

Bo is such a good cat now. He's become a little cuddler, too. He's much healthier. And happy. Can't you tell?

She stayed in this basket for a good 20 minutes. She was determined to fit in there, too. She's a ChubbO, like her mama!

So, there's that.

Also, I just thought I would let you all know that we haven't had to purchase toilet paper since we moved to Wonju at the end of August. And I'm pretty sure we won't have to for the rest of 2010. Because in Korea, it is tradition to bring a big fat pack of 24 rolls of toilet paper, boxes of Kleenex, or laundry detergent to housewarming parties. The toilet paper is significant because it's something you unroll. The Korean word for unroll, poolda ( 풀다 ) not only means to pull, but also it means to solve. It's a sign that everything will be solved and settled in your house. (I mean, when I sit in the bathroom for a while and then I unroll the toilet paper, I definitely have an overwhleming sense of resolution.) And in the case of laundry detergent, because you only use a little to clean a lot, it's a symbol for prosperity. I guess. That's what Kenny says anyway.

We haven't had any housewarming parties. But every time someone visits our house for the first time, they bring these gifts. Mostly, we get toilet paper. I'm loving it.

[ Make sure you click over to Wonju Wife to see the new March design! ]

[Oh yeah. I went to Jeju. LAST YEAR.]

2010-02-26T08:00:00.002+09:00

I've been meaning to write up our Jeju Christmas Trip,well, since Christmas. I blogged a bit about Seogwipo, an adorable art-inspired town in southern Jejudo over at ZenKimchi, while simultaneously raging about Magic Tea. But I have this picture. This picture must be shared with the world. Hopefully, someday, I will share the other amazing photos Kenny and I took while we were there. But this one, it deserves to find its home on the Internet. Here you go, Internet:

Isn't the resemblance simply striking? This is one of the many statues found all over Jeju Island. They are called dol hareubang ( 돌 하르방 ), dol meaning "stone" and hareubang being a Jeju dialect of "grandfather." They're basically thought to be gods offering protection and, some say, fertility. They are guardians.

I'm not sure what we're guarding here, but we're definitely happy about it. Also, I have to get a new coat. This one is just not flattering. I mean, it makes me look like a hareubang. And when was the last time you heard anyone giving a hareubang a compliment on his lovely figure, eh?